A question I hear so often….
I believe there are generally three types of guys:
1) passive 2) assertive 3) asshole
WE DON’T dig assholes (no pun intended..or is that really a pun?). We want REAL MEN! Individuals who are assertive, confident, strong (inner and outer), communicative, gentlemanly, exciting, unpredictable and make women feel wanted!
What we DON’T want (just as men wouldn’t either):
To be disrespected, smothered, overpowered, or mistreated.
Quality women know how to identify REAL MEN from ASSHOLES. And if she’s truly dating an asshole, then she’s probably not the person you want to date in the first place. Look, nice/passive guys don’t necessarily finish last..but assertive guys definitely finish before them. That’s because these men go for what they want.
So the real question is: How do you become more assertive?
1. Know your strengths
Spend time to reflect on what your strengths are and present those qualities.
2. Live it up!
The more passionate you are..the more traveled.. the more rounded you are, the more you’ll naturally have to talk about. You’ll come off as interesting and bound to have good conversations.
3. Follow through
If you think, feel, or plan something…make sure you complete it! No half-assed-ness!
4. Keep it light…enjoy yourself
Don’t sabotage yourself with lots of pressure. Think of it as meeting a new friend and keep it light. If it goes well, then great. If it doesn’t, no sweat off your back.
5. Say NO!
No need to always agree or give in because you think that’s what he/she wants.
6. Take charge!
How is a female supposed to know that you’re interested if you don’t flirt with her and ask her out? She might be feeling the same!
7. Be true to yourself
Why mold yourself into someone you’re not? Be genuine and make decisions based on your gut feelings.
Did you find these effective? What are some of your tips that worked well? I would love to hear them! As always, thanks for being my V’stars!
Vanae’s tip of the dae: When someone offends you, learn from it. Ever feel offended by someone’s comment or response to you? Sure, it’s natural to feel hurt…but step back and reflect. It’s not what he/she did, but what you can gain from it..whether it makes you stronger, changes you for the better, or solidifies even more so what you already stand for. Remember… you can turn anything negative into something positive!
You know….I’ve heard all this before. And I figure I’m getting pretty good at it. Except for two things. “Living it up” is hard for me to do. I can’t do a lot of traveling for lack of funds. But I do try to learn and do different things. I also find staying true to myself hard. I tend to have an adaptive personality. I don’t know if it’s from years of trying to “fit in” or what. I sometimes find myself in the middle of doing something with people and realizing that I don’t really like doing it. I’ve been working on that though. I dunno. This was just some mind vomit. For the sake of being real, I’ll leave it up. Glean from it what you will.
hey samuuel,
‘live it up’ means differently to each person. but it’s about you going for your goals, not letting things hold you back, to experience life and people.
basically CARPE DIEM!
but i know what you mean about adaptive. i myself ‘osmosis’ as i’m absorbing and morphing all the time.
thanks for commenting!
hello Sam, and Vanae;
What do you think about bad conscience when trying to live up to the ‘carpe diem’, and ‘try to get some excitement into your life, as often as you can thing’ ?
For as long as i can think, i had this bad conscience when i was doing anything else then worrying about my education/job/carreer.
I’m getting more and more demotivated in all of my ambitions, because i feel there’s a whole lot missing in my life. Things like travelling with friends, being spontaneous, taking risks, and looking forward to something that excites me.
The main prolem is, every experience i’ve ever made tells me, those things are bad, because somehow as a student i can’t balance my present wishes and intentions with working for my future life.
Actually i’m living for the future every day. If i’m not, i get bad conscience. How can I get rid of those feelings?
Good observations. I’ve seen women friends (I’m a guy) who are assertive and successful in their careers become quivering mice in their domestic relationships, where their partners dominate the relationships and emotionally (and more rarely, physically) abuse and take advantage of the women. It’s not just boyfriends or husbands. I’ve seen cases where late-teen boys, probably imitating the behavior they’ve seen in their dads or their moms’ boyfriends, start to act like assholes towards their moms.
It’s almost like the professional demeanor is a mask for the abuse and fear the women feel at home.
i’ve seen this too and it’s so unhealthy. guys have to be taught to respect others, esp females at a young age.
i’m sure people who are assholes, have deep issues that they haven’t dealt with, so they project and mistreat people.
Hi Vanae, I like where you steer your ideas here and the message you are portraying-bravo!
However (you might have seen this coming
), I hope to contribute some ideas or clarifications if I may.
“I believe there are generally three types of guys:
1) passive 2) assertive 3) asshole”
I just blogged about this, but the three types of male were, or are generally known as:
1. Alpha
2. Beta
3. Omega
Either can be an a-hole, but it’s usually attributed to the alpha male.
Real men? This is where it gets interesting and why I made the blog (it was a response to the hotalphafemale blog).
It was written to help us realize some of the misconceptions that many of us have about the different categories of men. I won’t go into detail here about that as you can read the blog, but a few things I’d like to mention here.
“Look, nice/passive guys don’t necessarily finish last..but assertive guys definitely finish before them. That’s because these men go for what they want.”
In my experience, nice guys usually do finish last as many of them are shy to approach a lady. The misguided thought that a guy has to approach a lady fuels his “last place finish” in the world of dating. How many great relationships are never to be because woman don’t make the first move? Sadly, we may never know, but I bet it’s quite high.
There’s a saying I use quite frequently: “Woman date bad boys, but marry nice guys.” This is the good news for the nice guys in the end. Many of the bad boys fall into the alpha (assertive) category, and based from what many woman have told me, they viewed as real men. Many latter realized that they were treated like garbage. My point is misconceptions.
“How is a female supposed to know that you’re interested if you don’t flirt with her and ask her out? She might be feeling the same!”
Exactly, and this is why SHE shouldn’t be afraid to let him know either. Why miss out on a possibly great relationship?
I really like your post and am only trying to contribute something that may help all of us understand better
Cheers!
Interesting thoughts, Bobby. I think there is a lot of truth in what you wrote, especially for women and men today.
As a female I would like to add that asking questions like ‘ do you like me?’ and ‘am i too old/young for you?’ are major turn offs.
don’t ask.
even if it’s killing you.
you will cast a ‘desperate’ light on yourself and the girl will only wonder why it is that you feel you are too old/young or possibly unlikable.
Also- don’t be shy about approaching a girl in person.
I am increasingly annoyed by the lack of ‘balls’ that guys have.
the worst that will happen is that she will have a boyfriend or not be interested. yes, that would suck but if the girl is interested she will be very impressed that you had the guts to approach her. not to mention a possible romantic story about how you met to tell her friends/family.
it’s worth it!
and don’t think twice about it if the girl has looked at you more than once. it means you have caught her eye.
Am I right Vanae? would you say that you agree?
right on sista!
in my previous article, i discussed ‘how do you feel about me?’. and you’re right…no female wants a guys without balls.
we want confident yet not-cocky men. ahem.
you know what i mean.
vanae
“Balls” and “not-cocky.” Ahem indeed.
Great pun.
Bobby I thought the same thing.
Back then, I would go out with my friends and hang back (Wing-Man) as one of them step up. While their talking, I would take a quick glance at her friend/s and introduce myself. By the end of the night I would always spit out this “I’m a bad boy, but a good guy when its convenient.” Not the coolest line, but I thought that was me to the ‘T’ and would keep things interest for the night.
But after getting engaged to my child-friend (she proposed???), my perspective change because she saw a guy who knew who he can become what he wanted to be. I’ll admit to my problems growing up and I want to get away from those days, but the persona keeps popping out at times. I’m not whipped when I say this, but she keeps me in check, because she smiles for both of us and when she smiles I begin to get that grin, then there it is… a smile.
People contribute to who you become. If you want a life where you can wake up to in the morning and smile to how bright the sun is, then find a mentor or a personal life coach (Vanae), who you can share things with.
Like Barack says “Yes We Can” its for a better us, we guys can “Change”. Sorry to get political on you, but thanks for reading.
A lot of guys may lack assertiveness, confidence and social skills . . . but the problem is at least as great among women. I find the attitude that it’s always the men who “lack balls” to be more appropriate for the culture of our grandmothers’ generation. I for one find it very refreshing and still all too rare to be approached by a confident woman willing to take the first step to engage me socially, whether out having fun or in the professional world.
I guess all I’m saying is that confidence and assertiveness is important both ways. Women like “real men” . . . real men like confident women.
As always, I’m just speaking for myself and my own experience.
I agree with You 100%, Girls always want guys to have Self Confidence. That’s why most girls fall for Mr. Wrong all the times. They marry the first guy that comes along. That just show you, they don’t have No Self Confidence in themselves.They think it is the only Guy on planet Earth. So, they marry the creep!
Thank you lfv
Bobbi, I appreciate your thougts here, thank you !
Dex, thanks for sharing that experience and insight. You make a good point!
I also agree that men like woman who are confident. I just wish many of them would be confident enough to approach the guy
Good point ifv
I know how hard it is to approach a total stranger and initiate conversation.
It can be awkward and nothing like in the movies. I have to remind myself to lock eyes and smile with someone who catches my eye because my first instinct is to look away like I’ve been caught.
That’s about as far as I can go. I believe it to be a mixture of being scared and of my slightly traditional/sexist view that the guy should do the approaching.
I guess I’m just trying to help the fella’s out here.
I know that I would like to be approached by a guy that catches my eye and with whom I have given my (perhaps lame) signal to.
I think that the subject of approaching another could be a subject of it’s own.
There are different situations which call for different forms of introduction/approachment.
u are doing a fine job in bringing out people from the dark…to realise wat the realism is..or wat the truth is.
few more point…if its apt…take it.
being honest
being a man of words…(esp when u keep up promises they simple love)
give surprises..
being humourous
thanks nishanth!
appreciate it.
V
Hello i guess the deal is that we´ve hope
persons can be as many ways but the fact that we focus in the person that we like all the thoughts of a future partner a strong man the perfect choice sometimes is because we don´t comunicate with that person.
suporting the idea of vanae im sure that the best is been fine with ourselves first.
see what we can ofert.
start to enjoy ourselve and meet me as i really am.
see what we want.
talk meet share recive.
respect ourself point of view as the space and choose of her or him too.
and keep in dialogue to keep knowing at each other.
never be afraid to recognize when we been mistaked
and act keep moving keep meeting
P.S. As long as you keep serching the “one” enjoy all that comes in your way and learn all you can
P.P.S. I´ll keep Dreaming with know more open people like you Vanae Thanks for this space
Hey Vanae i really liked ur advise im definantly gonna try 2 be much more assertive!
“When someone offends you, learn from it”.
Did someone offend you recently, Vanae? Your response is a great tip. Resilience is key to success in life and relationships.
thx this has told me something and now i realize that if someone is an asshole tell them their an asshole and to cry me a river
I think the myth that girls like assholes was created by guys who are angry at their situation. Attacking both the guys that get the girls and the girls themselves, implying they are stupid. i also think alot of “nice guys” aren’t that nice it is just that no one ever gets to see what they are really like.
Why do women love assholes? Without getting to deep into the psychology of women’s mind the simple answer is that women love challenges and there is attraction in the challenge. However I can bet that he did not start off as being an asshole, but demonstrated all the traits that the woman liked to see in a man, but turned asshole after she was hooked and fell in love with the bastard.
It can be tough to switch it up, i hear you guys. Being nice all the time you can find it hard to go on with a slightly harsh joke. I think you can be nice and still be assertive, confident, and that challenge she’s looking for. I’m phasing into harder, better, faster, more assertive but still an all around good guy mode as we speak haa!
Hello Vanae,
What do you thing about MONOGAMY?
Just from my own experience being kind and actually caring gets you absolutely nowhere with most women. Some girls are really into the “nice” guy but typically those girls are not very interesting. And Bobbi you are totally right about the, “do you like me?” comment. Which really sucks bc typically we are just trying not to waste time.
Just from my own experience being kind and actually caring gets you absolutely nowhere with most women. Some girls are really into the “nice” guy but typically those girls are not very interesting. And Bobbi you are totally right about the, “do you like me?” comment. Which really sucks bc typically were are just trying not to waste time.
a primary reason why women prefer assholes, is because he slamms her, in the bedroom. While most men don’t have that kind of rudeness or nerve. but, the “jerk” will make aggressive love to her… and, that’s why she keeps coming back for more…
not sure if i entirely agree with this one, seth. but we do like confidence, assertive men.
V
Girls like assholes because until they mature into full fledged individuals they can’t tell the difference between assholes and confident men. They just don’t know any better–since we all learn from our mistakes. Only the lucky ones find the perfect match on their very first try.
Also, there has been a lot of scientific studies on the “safety nest” effect of young girls who have a lingering instinctual mammalian need for a “father figure.” Not necessarily a protector, but a comforter. Someone who makes them feel safe where they can just let down their guard and just be themselves. Assholes will tell ya’ anything, and can often bamboozle unsuspecting or inexperienced young women into letting their guard down and then take advantage of them.
When girls develop enough savvy to avoid assholes, they eventually do find the nice guy with confidence–hence lending credence to the fact that nice guys do (in fact) finish last.
Nah! It doesn’t matter if you’re smart and ugly or dumb and sexy, all guys want is sex. Girls do not want sex.
When you whittle it down to the barest sense, it’s all about sex, anyway. Most of us gals aren’t as receptive to sex unless we’ve been abused, and led to believe that sex is the standard way to show someone (even if you don’t respect them) that you love them in one way or another.
I don’t care about formalities like dating, or awkward phone conversations, or ‘talks’, or anything like that, because I know where it’s all supposed to lead to, like a bundle of nerves all stacked together.
You people need to get your heads straight.
i dont know about u guys but in my society, girls actually brand guys as “bfs” and “husbands” and they are always complaining about the lack of good men when they come of age, i mean why complain when they were the ones who wanted to play the field. honestly, if u ever met such a girl i would suggest leave her its not worth it. and never look back, the moment u look back , u r so dead lol xD.
my advice is that never look for love let it come to u, then u receieve it. unless u are naturally good looking then its a different matter xD . u would probably disagree , theres always this chance. but dont forget thats also this chance that u might fail. to guys out there, if theres a girl u like, try to talk to her,never tell her “i like u, how abt being together”, u will never see her again xD . personally the best way is to be her friend and let her notice u. if she doesnt its her loss. theres plenty of fish out there xD
your advice as been helpful on more than one occasion. you’re the type of women I’m looking for so the things you say seem even more relevant. thanks again!
The girl falls for the ‘bad boy’ but marries the ‘nice guy’ or so the saying goes…
We ‘nice guys’ are seen as too “safe and predictable” to truly hold her interest for any duration. We exist to provide food, shelter and pay bills.
Either way you slice it, we were NEVER her first choice; only what she “settled” for.
Just one person’s experience – nothing more, nothing less.
100% Agree. They (I mean everyone) make it seem as a good new for good boys, but, instead of being a good new it´s like saying <>
Love you vanae
(the part was :
When i get tired of bad boys I´ll have to marrie with one from “The rest”)
<> I mean
Ok, not really in a place to comment concidering I’ve been single for 2 years now but I’m going to comment anyway.
I know alot of women who do love assholes. I also know that I can be confident when I want to, I’ve proved it time and time again. the worldly experience is something I’m working on, however my problem is that I have a life goal, I want to learn japanese and in a couple of years move to japan.
How am I meant to get a gf with a dream like that. “hi, I’m keith, by the way if you stay with me then eventually you’ll probably be torn between staying at home with your friends and moving to japan where you probably will flounder cos you can’t speak any japanese etc etc etc” it’s not the greatest chatup line, no matter how much you pretty it up. I can’t hide it from her either coz it’s a big part of my life, the dream has driven me through university.
I don’t really know how to comment on this, I only seem to attract women that are bad for me and every time I like a woman, I end up getting burned.
“There’s a saying I use quite frequently: “Woman date bad boys, but marry nice guys.” This is the good news for the nice guys in the end. Many of the bad boys fall into the alpha (assertive) category, and based from what many woman have told me, they viewed as real men. Many latter realized that they were treated like garbage. My point is misconceptions. ”
With a divorce rate of nearly 70%, this is not good news. Nobody wants to be settled for instead of with.
Please answer my question ….
hey i just like to say…. your completely right about the approaching thing if dont do it ur definitly gunna miss out and if you do do it you ether get 1 or 2 things… a great story about how you met and also show you have cofidence… or you get shot down which still show you have the confidence to at least make an attempt, and just let it roll off your back thou her loss not your!
Everyone wants to be loved and to be able to love someone.
Sadly, in the media-hyped/high tech world we live in, people assume real-life to be what they view on the T.V.
People can’t seem to grasp the reality that TV/movies aren’t “real.”
Women unrealistically expect men to be the exciting, rich, playboy on the T.V. show or movie screen they viewed the night before. Men unrealistically expect women to be the airbrushed, flawless, fake-boobed woman who never looks like she just woke up (even IF she did just wake up!) In a word … perfect.
These are unrealistic expectations on both sides of the fence and unfair to the person you just missed being in your life because you blew them off when they tried to approach you.
It runs over into marriage as well.
Unrealistic TV/movie expectations of a partner/marriage/life have contributed to many divorces.
We could all benefit from not letting the media (airbrushed Victoria’s Secret Models and medically enhanced Hollywood stars) set our standards for us.
Most of us will never be “jet-setting” types with fabulous houses in the south of France and you know what?
That should be OK.
Everyone has a heart and a soul (even when it seems like they don’t) and most just want to share their lives (to some degree) with those they love.
People have become unapproachable and this isn’t good for humanity. Love someone and let someone love you back (even if they don’t look like Eva Mendes or Brad Pitt).
Love is good for the soul. Companionship makes life less lonely and worth living.
BTW Vanae, I believe you are truly intelligent, witty and kind for providing your insight/helping others, which only adds to your beauty both inside and out. (Smiles 4 U)
You are a hottie (and I mean that with total respect).
Cheers!
Ughh assholes treat women like shit but yet they are like moths in the light women seem to crawl back to them and can’t say NO to them but usually the younger women in their early to mid late 20′s. Why do women like the assholes? Assholes treat people like shit including you the girlfriend. These men are douchebags that can get away with acting like a complete dumbasses, are usually abusive, like to talk down to you, think they are the shit, and rarly grow the f*** up. Why why why why why why why do women like the losers. These men are the loser garbage men. Yeah they might have some friends at the begining of your relationships but they typically start to lose their friends because they don’t f****** grow up and if their friends stay with them the friends are also assholes, douchebags.
I have a person that I work with that is clearly a douchebag, asshole and I always wonder why in the hell his now wife would be married to such a guy. I would not be one bit supprised if I heard him say she and him are getting divorced. Women I think get confused that asshole/douchebag does not = assertive. Assholes/douchebags are the angry men in life and they always get so pissed when their women ask them to do something, they will yell at their girlfriend/wives, like to make them cry they forget their wives birthdays, they would rather go out with “the guys” on important holidays such as valintines day. You really want a guy like that that is never and we MEAN NEVER going to grow up, always immature etc etc etc etc… assholes/douchebags are scum. Then you women wonder why eventually these asshole/douchebag men are at the end of the bar all alone, constantly drunk, pissed off at the world and likes to pick fights. These are such LOOSERS!!
Ughh assholes treat women like shit but yet they are like moths in the light women seem to crawl back to them and can’t say NO to them but usually the younger women in their early to mid late 20’s. Why do women like the assholes? Assholes treat people like shit including you the girlfriend. These men are douchebags that can get away with acting like a complete dumbasses, are usually abusive, like to talk down to you, think they are the shit, and rarly grow the f*** up. Why why why why why why why do women like the losers. These men are the loser garbage men. Yeah they might have some friends at the begining of your relationships but they typically start to lose their friends because they don’t f****** grow up and if their friends stay with them the friends are also assholes, douchebags.
I have a person that I work with that is clearly a douchebag, asshole and I always wonder why in the hell his now wife would be married to such a guy. I would not be one bit supprised if I heard him say she and him are getting divorced. Women I think get confused that they think asshole/douchebag = assertive. UGH NO Assholes/douchebags DO NOT= assertive quit the opposite!!Assholes/douchebags are the angry men in life and they always get so pissed when their women ask them to do something, they will yell at their girlfriend/wives, like to make them cry they forget their wives birthdays, they would rather go out with “the guys” on important holidays such as valintines day. You really want a guy like that that is never and we MEAN NEVER going to grow up, always immature etc etc etc etc… assholes/douchebags are scum. Then you women wonder why eventually these asshole/douchebag men are at the end of the bar all alone, constantly drunk, pissed off at the world and likes to pick fights. These are such LOOSERS!!
VERY INTERESTING PIECE, I’M GLAD I CHECKED IT OUT. THERE’S ALWAYS SOMETHING NEW TO GROW ON.
Hello to all. I am not a experienced dater and the last time I asked a girl out was like more than 10+ years ago. But lot of the times I see these male punk ass bastards with these fine ass woman and I always wonder how come I can’t be like them, is me or is it just that these woman like the bad boys? I’ve dated only twice in my 34 years of life and I’ve always treated them right but I got dumped afterfew months or even weeks. So now I think I ‘ve become more scared to ask because of rejection and well I can’t take rejection too well. I don’t like being getting hurt. I’ve had a bad child hood past where being hurt is not an option for me. Although I think over the years I have learned from others and learned to deal with emotional pain as well. I don’t have much friends here but I learned to live with that. It was hard but you adjust as time goes by. Now whenever I see woman get hurt I don’t laugh at it or applaud, I just say well she had it coming or she deserved it. My question is does that make me a bad person? It will be nice if someone could answere this question that has been lingering for so long. Thank you for letting me share this with all of you and taking your time to read this really long letter.
From hurting an confused
Ryan
ok im confused….im kinda like split personality type guy..something like ill be all sensitive and stuff like 1 on 1 but in a group of people or public ill act strong confident and stuff so i donno….and most girls like the guys who are assholes and flirt alot…..just saying :p
i swear nothing makes sense anymore?!?! i dont get it…lol how co
e girls go for the douchers that 1) disrespect them 2) are only in it for the sex then girls say they want a nice guy and date another doucher and whine about to there friends? lol i dont and never will understand women.. if anyone does tell me cuz this is frickin confusing hahaha
It’s all in the thrill
We date ass’ when we are young, I don’t know why but I think it makes us feel like we are rebelling. Really once we get older we want a good man, who will settle down with us.
Relationship Rant
” 4. Keep it light…enjoy yourself
Don’t sabotage yourself with lots of pressure. Think of it as meeting a new friend and keep it light. If it goes well, then great. If it doesn’t, no sweat off your back.
6. Take charge!
How is a female supposed to know that you’re interested if you don’t flirt with her and ask her out? She might be feeling the same! ”
Contradiction, much?
See, this is why men find women so confusing.
Women like assholes like fine wine. You have to beg for one.
If you have to do all the work in a relationship whats the point of having a relationship? If a woman just sits there and expects you to do all the work she aint pullin her fair share and doesn’t deserve respect.
The problem is not with women folks the problem is with men. You guys need to stop thinking with your d((((‘s
Most of the time you get shafted by a woman and for what? 1 Minute of joy? Not worth it imo. Not worth it at all if thats why your chasing a woman.
A woman would have to be very supportive to have any chance with me and be a match for me. I wouldn’t accept any woman who just sits there and expects compliments to be thrown at her in exchange for sex. Sorry hun just not that desperate for sex.
Women need to start putting equal effort into their side or they can spend the rest of their lives in abusive relationships. Men stop thinking with your smaller member and start thinking with a sense of pride and self respect. Any man who chases a woman and regardless if he gets her, he has no self respect. Period
haha Vanae you’re such a diplomat!
k….i knw wen 2 say noo….bt d thing witch sets me down is tht i cnt figure out hw 2 express my reasons fr sayin no…..n so most of d times i end just being silent n unresponsive…cn u pls guide???
Hey Vanae,
I love your posts, opinions, and general statements.
Especially regarding dating and relationships.
In my details, is my blogger website.
Id love it if you could read through my blogs.
See my opinions and thoughts on dating.
Other ones, music and social commentary you can ignore.
But let me know what you think, if you have time that is
And again. Love you’re post’s and opinions.
Very Insight.
Love from a major fan
Wow. What a read.
But I assure you that your rejoinder to the age old question is naive.
I’ve been witness to several instances where a girl is with an asshole and loves it. She denies it, of course. But it’s all a game. Women DO like assholes because they think they can change them. Once the first sign of weakness presents itself on his part however, she has him right where she wants him. Then she moves on to another guy. If she can’t change the guy, she falls in love with him.
As for all the guys on here who agree with Miss Vanae, stop trying. She doesn’t want to sleep with you.
a lot of women today, will go after these type of men. they are filthy pigs themselves, for doing so. that is pretty much the reason, why there are many of us good straight men left out there trying to meet a good straight woman with a good head on her shoulders.