Have you been in love? I mean, truly been in love? There is a clear distinction between ‘being in love’ versus ‘loving’ someone.
Then there’s a separate category of ‘infatuation’, which I’m sure most of us have experienced. I think it’s important to know the difference you and your partner because it affects long-term plans and it’s about honesty.
As we reflect back to our love adventures and past relationships, we can pinpoint our romantic tendencies. Remember those few who made our heart flutter, made us feel things we thought we could never feel. Thanks to V’star Sam’s comment, it made me reflect more on my past relationships to re-evaluate the ‘love’ that I felt in each. So I’ll share. Sam is right. As we get older, our definitions of ‘love’ and ‘being in love’ changes. When we’re young and naive, we question ‘is this love?’ then as we mature, we ask ‘am I in love?’.
I’ve had a few relationships in my life.
Jacky- First love.
You can say we were the Bella & Edward relationship of Twilight (minus the red-eyed vampires sinking-in-teeth & werewolves). It was a high school fairy tale of two young ones in love. Starting out as two virgins. Virgins to life, to what love is… Throw in ‘walking each other to class’, a little bit of ‘finding our identities’ and mix in ‘gang and urban war’. Just like the intensity felt between Bella and Edward, we went through the anticipation of seeing each other, the excitement, wanting to be with each other all the time, and eventually heartbreak. I think this is why Twilight is so popular. It truly depicts the teenage love- all the emotions and extreme highs and lows-lust, heartbreak, depression, excitement, companionship, and all the emotions that come with falling so deep. But as I look back to this high school relationship, despite how much I thought I loved Jacky during those times, as an adult I know that, THAT wasn’t true love. But that doesn’t take away the crazy emotions I felt during the relationship either.
Erick- Long term growing.
My longest relationship- 5 years (on and off). During this relationship, I grew up the most. From 18-23 years old, I spent most of my college years in this relationship, growing and evolving. I even have proof to show it. Recently, I found a box of old college essay papers that I wrote for my Communication classes. Reading through, most of these assignments required introspection, improving communication, and I mentioned him in every essay (which is an indicator that he was a big part of my life). At that time, I thought he was the one I was going to marry. Our families met each other. As you can imagine for a duration of 5 years, we went through a lot with each other. Stages of personal growth. Holidays. Romantic anniversaries. Loss of family members. Moving away for college.
Also in the box I recently found, was tons of Hallmark cards, photos of us, and little keepsake ticket stubs of places we went. Photo frames. Long exhausting letters to communicate how he felt. How cute. We broke up because I felt that I needed to move on to see more of the world and let him grow as well. Still this day, we’re still good friends and we’ll always have a deep connection because we’ve been through so much together and he’s my connection to my past.
JB- The Heartbreaker.
Ahh, the relationship, where you fall flat on your face, mistaking infatuation for love. Everyone has or will experience that one person who breaks our heart. The first time I thought I was close to love. The high you feel from meeting someone you have so much chemistry with. Holding hands in winter wonderlands. Head in the clouds, so high that you forget to ground your feet. Then, next thing you know it, you’re evolving your decisions, schedule around this relationship and you lose yourself. Yups, like you, I’ve been here. Done that. Lies. Deception. Being cheated on. And when I ended this, I went through the hard times, withdrawals but bounced back even stronger. Looking back, this relationship was probably more infatuation than actual love. Took me a few years and maturing, but I’ve forgiven him.
BT- Healthy & Nourishing Relationship.
Oh this great boyfriend. We share the passion for music and had a great balanced relationship of our social life and friends. BT is fantastic. Most of all, he has a BIG heart. A very mature relationship, as we communicated well, had great in-depth conversations about anything and everything. Lived together for short period in SF. (loved it!) The healthiest, caring relationship I’ve experience. I loved BT. He is a wonderful person, but reflecting back on this relationship, I wasn’t in love. Knew he wasn’t the one I was going to marry but knew we’ll always be great friends. So when I realized that he wasn’t the one, I was honest with him and let him go. Til this day, we’re very close friends and I really appreciate him being in my life.
Then there’s romantic journeys in between and after (like Vincent, the frenchman who made me believe that ‘love at first sight’ is possible). But that’s for another story.
So as you can see, there have been wonderful people who have entered my life. What I learned is that I loved these individuals for who they are, who I was with them and how I developed due to the relationships. Though the intense feelings doesn’t constitute what I define as the ‘truly in love’ today, it doesn’t take away the specialness of the experiences and feelings of each relationship. So I have yet to truly fall in love, but until then, I’m in love with every minute of life.
Would love to hear your story…how did you know you were in love?
Q. Hey Vanae, my ex girlfriend invited me to her bday party at a club/lounge. We’ve been broken up for about 3 months now but i don’t think im ready to see her with another guy. She claims she’s doesn’t have a new man or no one speical “yet”, but yet she’s staying at another guy’s house.
Should i even bother going? i’m normally not the jealous type, but this just rubs me the wrong way. I still care about her and i want us to be friend but at the same time i wish she never invited me. What should i do?
The Ex
A. Dear The Ex,
Why torture yourself? If you know you’re not over your ex yet, don’t put yourself in the situation where you might get sour. Be honest with yourself if you just want to be friends or if the possibility of getting back is still brewing in your mind. If you want to remain friends…I’d suggest not going to her bday party, or even see her (for that matter), until you’re completely ready to be platonic.
Staying on good terms with your ex is something most people want to do. But if you’re not ready, then you’re not ready.
How to decline: You can tell her that you can hang out down the road, but now is not the best time. She can wonder all she wants what this means (do you have another girl, are you not ready..etc), but it’s clear that you don’t want to hang out now.
Q. i was wondering if you could tell me if my ex boyfriend might want to get back together…he has a new girlfriend already.. and he tells her he “loves her” in myspace comments…
but him & i just recently started talking again and he was being really flirty and wanted to start texting me again.
so i’m confused.
Texted
A. Dear Texted,
Sorry hunny, your ex is trying to have his cake and eat it too! First of all, your ex has moved on…so how come you haven’t? The last thing you want to be is the sideline girl and get heartbroken all over again. Having him in your life is clouding you from seeing clearly of what he is doing to you? Don’t allow him to do that.
Think about..how you want to be treated and what ideal qualities you’re looking for.
Be good to yourself girl and don’t put up with shit like this.
Realize your self-worth and respect yourself, by cutting all ties.
Because the longer you have him in your life..the more clouded you’ll be and might not see a good guy even if he comes by!
You deserve the best…hell, you deserve CAKE …so move forward so you can get some!
I broke up with my ex about over a year now. It took me awhile to get over her, which got me really stressed out and depressed but through the help of my friends I was able to let things go. Back in February I got an email from my ex…she asked me if I ever tried calling her and I just replied by saying No. But ever since then I’ve been having dreams about her and in those dreams her and I get back together. Am I having those dreams because that’s what I want to happened or is it some other reason?
Dreamer
A. Dear Dreamer,
Remember your dream of that fried twinkie that did jumping jacks…then morphed into your mom? I’m kidding, but you know…dreams can be random. Dreams don’t mean anything, unless you apply meaning to them. It’s like that time that two my exs had opposite dreams of me. It doesn’t mean that one of my exs wants to kill me and the other wants to get back with me.
Dreams may reflect your sub-conscious, but you’ll never be sure since it’s your sub-conscious. Instead, focus on the present- your reality. The real question is “What do you want?”. You have the power to make your choice and any other decisions. And it sounds like you’re doing a good job of moving forward, so:
1. Stick to what is healthy for you.
2. Follow your gut feeling.
3. Consciously make your choice.
V’stars, have you ever dreamt of your ex? What did you make of it?
