I’ve been feeling really really depressed for months. It’s like my life just isn’t going the way I planned. It just seems like every time I try to be happy I end up with some kind of disappointment. I’m tired of feeling like a total failure at everything. I’ve been rejected by every college that I’ve applied to. My grades are slipping so far. I feel like no one understands me and I’m just sick of it. I’m sick of feeling like I’m not good enough all the time. I’m tired of being so shy all the time. Sometimes I just wish I had more courage to go and talk to other people. I’m just feeling alone right now, like no one cares about me and pretty much the only time I feel truly happy is when I’m writing. I just feel like I’m completely hopeless. Everyone always sees me as being this really shy girl. I just hate being labeled but it’s true. I’m so sorry I wasted your time but I just don’t feel like I have any place to turn to.
Feeling Down
A. Dear Feeling Down,
I appreciate you opening up to me. I remember going through the ups and downs of being a teenager. Sometimes it feels as if the world puts all its weight on your shoulders and gets heavier with each unfavorable event. As adults, we’ve all conquered obstacles and become who we are today. So remember that your growing pains during this time in temporary. Accept them and do the switch-a-roo on it to turn it into a more positive, evolving-you process.
I’ve written in the past, ‘YOU are the driver’, meaning you can always change the direction of where you’re going..where your life is turning. If you’re sick of how things are, you have the power to do something about it! Understand what’s weighing you down and unblock what’s holding you back from being happier. So don’t focus on the negative….don’t look at the bright side but DRIVE YOURSELF TO THE BRIGHT SIDE!
Here are ways to feel better about yourself:
1. Ask yourself for deeper understanding
a. When did you start feeling down? What’s causing it?
b. How come you feel as though you’re not good enough?
c. Did someone set-up this ‘good enough’ standard or is it yourself?
d. What can you do to feel like a winner?
2. TAKE ACTION! Do what makes you happy
If you don’t like the way things are, CHANGE IT! You always have the power to change yourself. If you don’t want people to think you’re shy, then be more social! People won’t know how great you are until you talk to them. Thank goodness for the internet, there’s tons of resources (including mine) of how to build your self-esteem. If writing makes you happy, then write more. If traveling makes you feel complete, then you know what you should do.
3. Appreciate your strengths
Don’t be so hard on yourself! You’ve got great qualities! With a help of a close friend, write a list of all your great traits. A friend can always give you a perspective that you don’t necessarily see. Feel grateful and confident that you carry these qualities.
4. Laughter and inspiration
Go to a comedy club. Laughter is always a great remedy to feeling down. It releases chemicals in your brain to make you happy. Watch feel-good movies such as ‘Amelie’ and this video of, The Last Lecture.
5. Release those negative thoughts with deep breathing
Most of the time, people aren’t thinking about you that way. When you get negative thoughts, take a deep breath, fill your belly, inhale all the negative and exhale to release it from your body & mind. Remember, IT’S ALWAYS LOUDER IN YOUR HEAD.
6. Build good energy by exercising
I love going for a brisk walk on a trail or the treadmill when I’m feeling tense or down. The exercise will give you a good natural adrenaline rush and work in good energy. Plus, you can take this time to think through how you can improve the situation or your thoughts.
7. Do something good for someone weekly or daily
When have you ever done a positive thing or helped someone out and felt angry? Nopes. That’s because when you’re helping another person, you’re connecting with a soul and filling your heart & theirs with good energy.
8. Spend time with good people who make you feel good, especially people who motivate you
Loved ones, especially family members, are supportive and great people to share what you’re going through. Their past experience and understanding will help you with more clarity. Also, being around good energy is contagious. Like last night, when I had dinner with my girlfriends! We stuffed our faces with Vietnamese food and laughed about our stories for 3 hours.
9. Talk to a coach or a counselor/therapist
Most importantly, you should definitely reach out to a coach or therapist. They will help identify the root of your feelings and behaviors. Their trusting space will allow you to share everything that is on your mind and liberate your thoughts. A coach or therapist can offer a new perspective and plan so that you can become happier. It’s healthy to have a professional help you get to the next level.
If you would me to be your personal life coach, contact me (above). BY THE WAY, you have until midnight today to donate at least $5 for the chance to win an-hour coaching with me! The money goes to the Leukemia & Lyphoma Society! Donate here: abpubcrawl.com/vanae
Remember, you are the driver and you are ALL THAT. My close friend told me, “A preacher once said this simple thing, ‘You can be bitter. Or you can be grateful’. I choose to be grateful and wonderful.
So V’stars, What do you think? What do you do to make yourself feel better?
Q: Hello Vanae, I’m kind of the guy who has lots of hair on my body so wondering… is it a big problem to be hairy?
-Hairy
A. Bonjour Hairy,
Like any other physical traits, it boils down to preference. Some women don’t mind lots of hair. Some women can’t stand it and others LOVE it (because it shows masculinity). It also depends on culture and where you live. For some cultures, it’s natural and accepted to be hairy.
Personally, I prefer men who are not amazon-ian (you know what I mean) or people who are clean-cut because it shows that they take care of themselves. No matter what, you’re going to attract a variety of women carrying their own preference. Ultimately, it’s about how YOU feel about it. Be comfortable with it or if it bothers you, then you can do something about it (trim, wax, laser removal).
Vanae’s tip of the dae: Trim! Goes for both women and men. No matter how hairy you are (gorilla or not), make sure you trim & groom down there! Yes, we do care! No, it’s not gay if you trim. It’s clean. Makes you look bigger. It’ll be worth it.
What’s your preference?
———————
Update: email from a V’star
“Hi Vanae,
A buddy of mine also wanted to say THANKS for the advice you gave him. Earlier this week, my friend was a little concerned about a new girl he was dating. His dilemma..was that he’s a bit hairy…he didn’t want to scare her off with his “ape” hair..haha. So he asked me, “What should i do?”. I told him: “SHAVE that monkey hair bro!” haha Then i said, if you don’t believe me, check out.. Vanae.com.. =) 15mins later he calls me back and his problem was solved..haha. He mentioned that you had a post there called: “Do women like hairy?” Perfecttttttt =)”
There are always two sides to the crime of cheating:
1) You’re the victim
2) You’re the perpetrator
In this article, I want to share how to deal with cheating whether you’re on the receiving end or the person doing the cheating.
Cheating is not forever! When I say ‘not forever’, I mean, the pain doesn’t last forever…the cheating tendencies aren’t forever…
Recently, I received a letter from a young gentleman who has been cheating on his long term girlfriend and asked me if there was any hope for him since he no longer wants to be disloyal. I believe people can change. I believe people can be aware, learn and grow into a more honest person with themselves and with their partners. Hence, once a cheater DOES NOT mean always a cheater.
Look, the fact that he is reaching out and being proactive towards changing, that’s a great first step! Sometimes, people slip and make mistakes. Often times, cheating is the bi-product of an unsatisfying and/or unhealthy relationship. Not to say, this excuses his actions..it’s STILL WRONG! He needs be honest and end that relationship ASAP.
Most people I know who have cheated, only did it once and sincerely regrets it. Vowing, never to to cheat again. They saw the pain and harm it did to their significant other and couldn’t take it back. Most likely, they lost a great catch only to be alone to reflect on the mistakes and LEARNED. So here’s how to deal with it from both sides of the cheating pole:
IF YOU HAVE BEEN CHEATED ON:
1. Confront and reflect
Yes, it’s painful. With this healing process, dig deep and see if there were any factors or things you could have done differently. What was missing in the relationship? Could you have done things differently? Take all these into consideration, so you apply your growth and what you’ve learned to future relationships.
2. Heal
Bottom line is, you two weren’t meant for each other and that’s OK! Cut all ties with your cheater-ex so that you can fully heal and potentially establish a friendship much later on. The faster you accept it and release all the negative energy, the faster you’ll survive the break-up. There are people out there who are more deserving of the wonderful-you.
3. Open to trust again, just be cautious
I know it’s natural to close up and not trust anyone after all the hurt. But resist! You’ll limit yourself if you shut people out! Take your time to know someone new and open to someone who deserves your trust.
IF YOU ARE CHEATING AND WANT TO CHANGE:
1. Be honest with yourself and your partner
Realize that you’re hurting your significant other the longer you hide this. Let them know as soon as you can, so the both of you can start the healing process. Understand that if you’re going to work it out and stay in that relationship, earning back his/her trust is going to be near impossible!
2. Learn and better yourself
Reflect and understand why you cheated and how that affected the both of you. Learn and vow not to make those same mistakes!
3. Don’t rush into a relationship
Don’t get into a committed relationship unless you’re truly ready and he/she is someone you can focus on. Many couples rush only to find out that they’re not compatible and the honeymoon stage is over before it began!
While it seems like you’re gaining more with double-crossing, you’ll actually lose everything in the end!
REMEMBER: Be mindful of other people’s hearts as you’d like others to handle yours!
What do you think?
This is a guest article written for Amped Asia.
Please Stumble this article if you liked it! (button below)
How did you celebrate your New Year’s Eve? I was disco-dancing with my good friends in SF. It was a super dance.a.thon!
You guys have written in, called in and connected with me and I HEARD YAH!
With this new year, there’s going to be great changes to my YouTube show and to Vanae.com. (Especially more advice for my lady V’stars). My new video coming tomorrow!
Here’s some red goodness for your New Year’s celebration: Elmo the PIMP
Love yah,
Vanae
In the last 2 weeks, you’ve been requesting this topic: ‘Should I go for my friend’s ex?’. This is very tricky area! Personally, I don’t believe in sloppy seconds and plus my girlfriends and I have very different taste in men. Hence, I will never venture into jeopardizing my friendship with any of my girlfriends. Love interests are a dime in a dozen!
You wouldn’t want to jeopardize your friendship. Let me tell yah…most people you are/will be interested in are not worth messing up your friendship… UNLESS you truly believe he/she is really THE ONE.
Here’s what you do:
1. Weigh out the consequences. How close are you with that friend? Is it worth it? If so…
2. Out of respect: Talk to your friend about how she/he feels about you dating their ex
3. Once you get ‘approval’, then go for it!
4. Keep in mind, that even if your friend gives the green light, that doesn’t mean your interest will reciprocate the feelings
What do you think? Have you dated a friend’s ex?
Vanae’s tip of the dae: Friendships (especially close friendships), lasts a lot longer than love interests! So give it much thought and consideration and be sure to talk to your friend before charting in nasty territory!
Something I love to do when I’m at a restaurant is to identify couples having their ‘first date’. Often times, I can spot it from a mile away. Here’s what I usually notice:
*how close they are to each other -their personal space
*how they move their hands when they speak
*how often they smile and if they smirk
*how engaged they are in conversation
Last week, I spotted a first date was when I was at a New Orleans themed bar/restaurant. To my right, was a tall curly haired guy chatting away with his date. I immediately knew it was a first date because she wasn’t sitting very close to him. Another give away was that she was asking him ‘getting to know you’ questions. And it was very obvious that he was really attracted to her.
How and when was the last time you spotted a first date? What did you notice?
