You’re laying in bed next to her. You glance at her plump lips and now, you’re getting aroused. YOU WANT HER. She looks at you and makes eye contact. Then she tells you…”I’m not in the mood”.
WTH!
I recently received this email:
“Dear Vanae,
I love you on your site and youtube!
Me: 29 Male NYC. I am married, unhappily so. We both have 2 totally different sex drives. I want it all the time, while she is happy with once a month quickie. She also likes to play dead a lot in bed. What I want to know from you is should this be a deal breaker? Or stay comfortable and unhappy…since a woman with a high drive like mine may cheat!
My friends tell me to find a lover…a single woman who does not care or a married/attached woman who is in the same situation.
I have not been single in years…don;t even remember how to be single lol
I need your view PLEASE!”
Dear Sexless in the city,
Seriously, you DO NOT want to cheat on your wife. Trust me, extra-marital affairs just makes things really fucked up. Not only that, if you think you’re not getting sex from your wife now..wait til she finds out that you cheated.
Intimacy, romance and sex are very key to keep a passionate relationship. Make your marriage and sex life work by tackling the root. Find out answers to these questions:
Did she have a lower sex drive before getting married?
Is it an issue of her being tired? bored? insecure? lack of attraction?
Knowing the answers to these will be a good starting point to addressing this. In the meanwhile, communicate with her! In general, tell her that intimacy makes you feel closer to her. Give her verbal compliments. Most of all, talk to her about it and let her know that you want to make your romance/intimacy better.
Vanae
cool and somewhat strange blog
I like it though … it something totally different. There is one thing that annoys me about your blog. I just don’t think it’s fair that you receive a lot more comments just by posting a picture of you.
anyway keep up the work who knows maybe one day I’ll need sexual advice
welcome welcome!
My friends tell me to find a lover…a single woman who does not care or a married/attached woman who is in the same situation.
I can’t tell you how wrong your friends are. You need to find out the reason/s for this situation through communication and assurance to her on how much you love her. Vanae is correct I believe.
Ooops, sorry Vanae, I think I hijacked the advice :O
i love it. keep on giving.
bobby, how did you upload a photo to your comments?
Addressing the problem is best cuz whatever the issues is will just spill over into a relationship with another woman. The lack of intimacy will still be there and the guy will be back at square one again and have even more heartbreak after the divorce if he decides to sip a little from some other woman instead of flat out talking with his wife about the problem or boredom in the relationship. So yeah kind of obvious but maybe not always easy to do: address the issue calmly, firmly.
im in the the fith grade and i like this girl nameed Riley Morris and my last name is norris thats pretty cool but let me get to the point. i like her and she likes me so i think because all my friends that hang with her that she kinda dose.i switch clasess and i have every class with her axept advisory [homeroom] math and exploetory and the only class that i sit by her in is science.we talk alot we are really good friends and i just wanted to know what i have to do so that she can get more interested and that we can go out and stuff
Vanae has a value that says: you must be faithful. If you are not happy, and you can live with yourself while having an affair – then have the affair.
If the guilt would bother you seriously, then do not have an affair.
Being faithful is a “value” at the end of the day – a value which you must consciously decide to stick with – or not. Not just because someone else thinks it is right or wrong.
exact-umundo!
In reply to the Sexless in the city situation: I agree with Vanae, never be unfaithful to your wife, because it will definitely be the end of the relationship and it will destroy you completely, which will be very hard to recover from. Be faithful to your vows! Let me just throw this in by saying that masturbating should not be used as a quick fix, because it involves some degree of unfaithfulness when you’re fantasizing about another woman. The question is how soon after will you go from fantasizing to actually having a real affair? That’s just my personal opinion.
Dude, obviously you’re stuck between a rock and a hard place, but there is still hope for you. Don’t be pressured or let your frustrations lead you to making a mistake that will cost you big time. How true it is that whatever you sow is what you’ll reap.
Start sowing good seed and instead of quickies start building attraction and sexual tension throughout the week all the way up to the moment you make your move with your wife for some amazing sex. Learn how to please her (by communicating with her and learning techniques from successful studs, lol…) and take that attitude of wanting to please her before you get your rocks off. I don’t know if that’s the your problem, but if it is you’ll get amazing results.
Vanae gave you some great advice and there are a lot of unanswered questions that needs an answer to before your problem will be fixed and the only way is to communicate with your wife. Who knows it may be a thyroid problem or another medical reason that causes her to feel tired all the time, which lowers her sex drive and nothing personally against you.
Hang in there and you be the hero by taking the effort of saving your marriage. Don’t be such a wimp and give up so quickly. Yes, I know easier said than done (been there done that) and we all fail sometimes and I guess that’s why brand new days were created.
Love you,
Lee
yes!
V
make an affair ? I think it’s a wrong way… hahaha..
better u try be more romantic, I think maybe she had a problem, maybe about she’s job or something, try to figure out, if u can help her to solve her problems , than u’ll see …
woman can keep her problems for years.. hahaha
so just figure out. If she still worried bout her problems than maybe it make her mood bad for ( u know what i mean )
Dear sexless in the city,
Im confused here, whats the issue, you were saying that your woman has high sex drive and that she might cheat, is that right?Or ar you contemplating to find an excuse to cheat.Man, either way you lose,
We man tend to have ego as big as the universe,look in the mirror and ask yourself this question, is it me or is it her?
Are you bored with her,marriage is like planting a seed to your favourite plant or taking care of your favourite pet, it needs nurturing and a real lot of work and of course love.
i dont mean to tell you what to do with your life man, cause whatever you decide will have implications good or bad.
The word value is overrated,till its loses its true value.If you still value and honor her work and build your marriage,nurture it most of all never give up on yourself and your love one. Love wins all
Talk to your wife. Get counseling. If you can’t worok out some common ground in your sex life with your wife, then you need to decide how important your wife is to you. If sex is more important to you than she is, then get a divorce. Don’t screw around. If your wife is more important, than buy some KY and start stroking.
the best way to save your marriage is to have good communication and understanding with each other.;;:
eveyone should not always resort to divorce when there are misunderstandings. everyone should always save their marriage.;~~
I’m going to go out on a limb here, and express how I would address the situation.
Yes some people can have a healthy relationship with no sex at all… but that is not the case here, sexless is a man who is looking for intimacy in the relationship, and she (for whatever reason; we will get to that later) does not. From what I can tell from the limited information given, this is not/will not be a healthy relationship if something is not done about it.
I would first talk to her about it. I don’t mean take her out to dinner, give her flowers, and wine then talk… no~ Don’t do that. Talk to her about it in a comfortable place (maybe your home, bedroom, living room… whatever). Be truthful, express yourself, your needs and how you see this as a problem. Then ask her about her “drive”; why is it so low, is there anything I’m doing/could be doing differently?
You’d be amazed at how many people I have known in this situation. In the end, after talking about it, for many reasons things have worked out. The couples sex lives picked up, and with a boom.
There can be many reasons for a low sexual drive. She may just not have experienced the tops of the top, she may be in to “different” things (ever thought about exploring your sexuality together?), and more. Now I’m not telling you to go out and get some silk rope, paddles, and a whip… 0.o …but there are many MANY books (both in store and online) many you can get for free about sexuality, sexual expression, passion in the bed, all that stuff. Maybe during the talk you have with her, you could talk about exploring together some time.
The bottom line is; you want to get her drive higher, but not push her there. Let her find her way to a higher drive, with your assistance. Find ways, talk about ways, and explore them.
Oh ya~ I may be an “unconventional” lover (D/s, ext…) But I would never tell anyone to seek out a “behind the scenes” lover. Cheating on your wife will not do any good for the relationship!