ASK VANAE FRIDAE
Q. Hey Vanae,
I’ve been hanging out with this hot guy recently and I’m getting frustrated that he hasn’t asked me to be exclusive. I mean, I know we’re a really good match, so what is he waiting for?! It’s so frustrating!!!
Frustrated
A. Dear Frustrated,
Have you noticed that when you first meet someone you’re truly interested, you start rushing into things? You’re thinking, “”What the heck, I know I’m a great catch, why can’t s/he see this?” or “He won’t find anyone better” and it keeps playing in your head? Obviously, he getting to know that but you can’t expect to lock him in, if he doesn’t know or trust you yet. Especially to the alpha males and females, often times our problem is rushing to seal the deal. And this, my dear, turns people off…quite frankly, will turn people away! (I’ve gone through this).
Seriously, take your time! You’re not going anywhere and your great qualities are here to stay! Real confidence is when you don’t have to sell yourself and just enjoy the company. Let them find out for themselves. It’s a lot more fun discovering, then being told, right? I wanted to share a great article by David Wygrant because there’s really good points in on the topic of ‘selling yourself’ and he hits it on the nail.
Though his article below is aimed at females, I definitely think males benefit and can relate from this as well.
REMEMBER: As Carolin Dahlman says, “You’re the buyer, not the seller!”.
TIRED OF TRYING TO SELL YOURSELF
Let me tell you something…
Whenever I walk into anyplace with the thought of potentially buying something whether it’s a new car, audio equipment or a computer I always walk in and look at the salesperson as they are about to start their spiel and say, “You can’t close me. I am not somebody you can ever close. So you don’t need to give me the spiel. Let me figure this out for myself. You can hang out with me for a little bit, and if I like you I’ll probably give you some business.”
Much like a salesperson, I’ve found that many people are just trying to “close the deal” when they approach the opposite sex. Instead of trying to sell something to the opposite sex, however, they try to sell themselves.
Life is not about selling yourself. This isn’t a negotiation. When you approach someone to whom you are attracted, you should never go up to them and list the “ten reasons why you should date me.” Dating is about getting to know someone. Life is about being intrigued, not being sold.
People want to do business with people who intrigue them. They want to do business with someone with whom they can imagine being friends and someone who makes them feel comfortable. So you don’t have to sell yourself so much! I’ve seen it all…
People will really go completely over the top when trying themselves. They are trying to negotiate a date from someone rather than just relaxing, having fun, enjoying life and being fully present.
Life is not about negotiations.
Life is not about selling yourself.
Life is about presenting the best version of yourself based on who you are and your confidence. Whenever I run into someone who is trying to sell themselves to me, I’ll look at them and say, “Let me ask you a question. Why are you trying to sell yourself so much?
Let me get to know the REAL you and get to like you for who you are. Let me get to know not just the good parts of you, but ALL the parts of you! Then I’ll be able to make an informed decision when it comes down to whether or not I want to hang out with you.”
So don’t sell.
You might run into somebody like me, i.e., somebody who can’t be closed! So when you meet someone, don’t try to close them. Just get to know them. I have lots of friends and a great network of contacts, and not one person I know is someone who ever tried to close me.
They just got to know me.
V’stars, let me know what you think?
Great article!
thanks seb! good to see you here.
I’ve deffinatly been on the other end where the person was trying to rush into things way to quickly. Instead of giving me time to figure out what the person was like for myself they insisted on telling me all of their great qualties.While they might of had the intention of trying to impress me, it came across as being a bit arrogant and all it really did was scare me away completely but at least I learned a lesson out of it
exactly, i can’t stand arrogant people.
ignore him for a few days. Do not talk about yourself and talk about him… just like any guy (like myself) he would love to talk about himself.
I stopped talking about my self and won a few dates
Why does this sounds like a damn “GAME.”
“don’t talk to him for a few days?”
Ya know when you hear people say things like “i’m tired of all the games” or “im not up for playin the games” THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT WE ARE SAYING.
How hard is it for peoples to be themselves???Thats what we want to see… Its when you play a game and “score” the catch that makes relationships fail, ALL too often.
Simply put.
After two or three months we can see RIGHT through to the real you and because of your lame or whack ass game, we NO longer want to be with you.
BE YOURSELF. He’ll come around, and hey, if all else fails; no love lost.
Good luck with everything Frustrated.
This is the perfect time for Gym Class Hero song- MySpace Mistress to kick in.
good article
Great piece. I couldn’t agree more and won’t sell myself. Why is it, then, that so many women — even smart, thoughtful, sensitive women — allow themselves to be sold instead of engaging in the give-and-take of getting to know non-selling men? Is it easier? Are the rules more clearcut? Are they flattered and just go with it?
Why dont you ask,
I hate the fact that the boys are expected to make the moves on the girls, take the initiative and go ask him..
V,
U?
“You might run into somebody like me, i.e., somebody who can’t be closed!”
not sure what your question is, dear.
V
Hurm that means a lot. I’m actually a marketing major so selling yourself is almost a routine thing for me on top of that i’m president of one of my organizations so i def have to keep a good face on at all times. It’s rough to represent a whole group of people without trying to touch up the rough edges so that no one will see them. that’s one thing i have trouble with i can’t always voice my opinion completely because I’m trying to hear all of the members and sell myself as the face of the organization… HELP
so, if you had to some this up in a question, what would it be?
Good advice Vanae!
thanks evan. how are yah?