ASK VANAE FRIDAE
Q. I am in this situation now where me and ex, we broke up months ago, but the thing is, though we broken up, she do not want to lose me, therefore she came out with this thing called – No string attached relationship’. What it does, we behave like couple but there isn’t any title whatsoever..We are just close friends. Now I am in this dilemma, where I do love her still and she does love (I think), I want to move on, but yet I am afraid if I did, and she later she decides to come back to me? What can I do?
Confused
A. Dear Confused,
I’m sorry to say my dear, but despite that fact she doesn’t want strings attached…she’s stringing you along! Follow your gut feeling. If you want to move on, then let go. Often times, we get scared to let go because of the unknown.
The unknown if we’ll get back with our ex.
The unknown if we’ll find love again.
The unknown where this new path will take us.
But you have the power to transform this exciting unknown into your own path and ultimately your destination. The new path will lead you where you need to be. Absolutely take this opportunity to think about what is good for you…let go and start walking.
By the way, EX are titled EX for a reason: They need to be X-ed out of your current romantic life. Don’t get caught up if it’ll hurt your ex’s feelings, because no matter what, everyone’s hurt a little in the beginning. Then you’ll get over it and move on with your life, as you did from previous relationships.
Vanae’s tip of the Dae: Don’t let anyone string you along. Ask yourself of what is good for you and head in that direction. Your heart will thank you for the liberation!
V’stars, what do you think? Have you been in this situation? What was the outcome?
AMEN!! I am so sick of talking to my friends who refuse to let people who are obviously no good for them go. Move on people!! I simply cannot understand why people want to live in misery because they are afraid of the future.
in this situation, someone will always get more hurt than the other. from how i see it, she needs you more than you need her. do the right thing and ask for some time apart to move on. at the moment you’re making things more difficult for each other.
btw… i <3 vanae!!!
This is a tough issue for me because based on a lot of other relationships I have had in my life I know it should be best to make a clean break and go separate ways with an ex (here comes the but..) But…it is sometimes very difficult to just move on and drop someone out of your life immediately. Breaking out of the routine you established as a couple can actually be hard to do. I say this because sometimes the friends you have are also still friends with your ex, the clubs you belong to, the activities you do may all be associated with your ex. As I move through my life I also find that what I personally get out of a relationship changes as well; I value certain aspects of the friendship that were not nearly as important to me when I was younger and reistablishing the roots you planted with your ex are not always easy to establish again..
Letting go this time for me has been difficult because I don’t feel I have someone close I can confide in. For me, my ex was that outlet, the purge valve that kept my sanity at certain times and without her I let my feelings and thoughts get bottled up in my mind and things start to get worse (mentally).
I’m stubborn and maybe I am just postponing the inevitable because I still want to hold on to these certain aspects that I spoke of and am afraid of establishing new friendships elsewhere..
Maybe out of desperation I am willing to put up with the pain and hardship that a continued association with an ex brings.
I guess I realize that I’m scared of being alone, especially being alone with my thoughts.
I started off this passage disagreeing that it always is best to make a clean cut with an ex. As I sit and write this I am starting to agree more and more with you fundamentally. Its possible my arguments are really weak and I’m taking the easy way out. Maybe its time make this clean break in my life as well.
As I get older I find it more difficult to entirely block out feelings for someone that I have cared for dearly, I guess that’s really my point here.
Expressing my feelings and thoughts in this forum may help me get over my ex, and it surely doesn’t hurt to try.
This song will will give you the complete answer to this dilemma. Click my name above to hear the song.
Cesar Here Again! If you get an annoying banner on your screen when you are hearing the song, just reload the screen again to refresh the link.
Now! On a more positive note listen to this song to brighten up your day. We are all here to offer our support.
Yo Confused:
Regardless to how you feel, or think, do as Vanae says, BREAK ALL TIES! EPECAILLY if YOU broke up with her first. This no strings thing is an immature, selfish ploy, to string you along until she finds someone else. Some people date like monkeys swing in trees: they won’t let go of one branch until they have a firm grip on another.
Another thing to consider: there are some who are egotistical, manipulative, and seethingly vindictive people, who will not allow any one else to have the last word on anything. She may be setting you up for the “okey doke” to fall in love with her, again, agree you’re together, again, let others think you’re together, again, make it appear everything is fine, again; then lower the boom and break it off with you!
So, if she is indeed of those aforementioned types of people, break camp, I can guarantee she won’t be half as nice and compromising as you are; she’s going to make sure your life is miserable for a while, and hurt you far more than you hurt her.
Sorry, I didn’t meant to hijack this message string with my loonnggg comment, after re-reading it, I realize I went from commenting on Confused’s issue and turned it into something all about me. Sorry.
Yo Glen, don’t trip dude! It’s cool to share your experiences. Hopefully, that’s how, you, and the people you’re sharing with will learn. Let’s say they don’t agree with you. If they they have half a mind, and not a total box of rocks upstairs, they should get something usefull from what you’ve said.
I’ve had an ex ask this of me — emailing me asking to be FWB 10 days after the breakup in response to the 4th time I politely asked her to give me space to heal because I was in love with her and incapable of being friends for several months, and it wrecked me. How I viewed it was her asserting “Jonsi, I don’t love you. I was never serious about you. I never wanted a relationship with you. You aren’t worth pursuing a future. But even though you love me, can we still f*ck while I go on dates with other guys until I meet someone who I think is better than you?” Irrational? No. There is low self esteem in thinking that way, but in application, it’s pretty much what she was asking. I’m sure she didn’t intend that, but that does not negate what it actually meant in application.
Why would I let her, or anyone, do that when I was in love? I deserve a hell of a lot more than that. Sure, I faced those questions: was this her way of trying to come back? What if I had said yes? Was she just confused? Screw those questions. I am worth fighting for. She broke up with me. She was trying to take advantage of me and manipulate me.
To the op: no contact isn’t for everyone, but there is a difference between talking every couple of months and spending multiple days a week together. You have two options: (1) hang out in a pseudo-relationship. There is LOW probability this will bring her back to you. (2) Cut the strings and tell her: “you don’t get to keep me on a string. You either think there is a future with me, or you don’t, and I expect you to dig deep down and be fully honest with me.” There is also a low probability chance she will come back to you if you do this. But there is a HIGH probability you will heal and find someone else if you do this.
Just because you do not want to lose someone doesnt mean you are trying to keep them on “strings”. Sometimes you can genuinely love someone and want to spend your life with them, but there is something about you that they cannot get over (aka, temper, etc).
A lot of times people are just scared of being alone. They are immature and will string you along so they can find a replacement. Do not feel bad to let them go.. What wont kill them, will only make them stronger.
As long as to consenting adults are willing to go through this kind of set up then it is up to them.
The decision is falls up to you if you’re willing to play this game and if you’re thick as a crocodile’s skin.
Remember, as long as NO ONE ELSE would be affected by it then by all means go for it.
Bim, I would agree, except it is clear he IS hurting right now. Living a life with authenticity and integrity means asking for what you want and expressing how you feel. Passive or passive aggressive behavior is manipulative behavior, not consensual behavior. There is nothing consensual about refraining from saying “I am still in love with you,” or on the other side, “I want to stay close to you, but deep down, I do not see a romantic future with you.” They would only be consenting if they honestly communicated with each other. Now, I agree with you — by all means, go for it — but that means telling her how he feels, and asking her to be fully honest with him.
LOL this post makes my memory bank work in high gear