Recently, I was talking to a friend who’s in a relationship, which he knew it wasn’t going to last long-term. She’s a good person, but she wasn’t the right one for him. Sad part is…she has no idea.
People are in denial about their feelings. The line gets blurred between being dishonest of where the relationship is going versus just being complacent to see where it flows. If anytime you’re in a relationship and it dawns on you that it won’t work out long term, you need to be honest with your partner. Last thing you want to do is lead your partner on, causing more pain (than you were hoping to avoid).
Now, if your partner knows the certainty or uncertainty of a long term relationship, then at least they can make that decision to stay or accept that it’s a short-term thing. Otherwise, it’s leaving your partner in the dark and keeping that person in your life in selfishness.
It’s one thing, when both people have decided to enjoy and live out the fun relationship even if it’s short term. It’s another thing, when one person knows it’s going to end soon, yet leads the other person on.
Think about this: What if the roles were reversed? Would you want the other person to let you know if s/he knew it wasn’t going to work out long term?
Vanae’s tip of the dae: Be true to your partner, but more importantly…true to yourself. Be with someone you really care for, not just for the sake of being with someone. I’d rather be happily alone than lead someone on.
V’stars, have you been on either sides of this situation? How did it turn out?
Vanae
I was left in the dark of the relationship. We were introduced to each other by mutual friends. She initiated the relationship because my friends told me she was interested and asked about me. We were dating for 2 months but we were never officially bf and gf. From the outside it may look like we were official. We spent the night at each other’s house 3-4 times a week, held hands everywhere we went and introduced each other to our close friends. I was the first person she would call in the morning, my calls and texts were answered promptly and vice versa. Things were going fast then most relationships I‘ve been in but I was feeding off her pace. Then one week my calls were answered later or until she got home from work then to never being returned. I even dropped by to see her in person a couple of times and asked “What’s new I haven’t talked to you a few days?” A question that’s broad but at the same time I didn’t want to go into the “where are we in this relationship”. Of course she replied that she was busy with her career (she owned her own shop). I wanted to give her some space and not be aggressive but how hard is it to text or make a quick call, right? Everything ended with me left in the dark. It’s been a month and I’m still battling with not knowing what happened or if I did something wrong.
Kris
You couldn’t have said it any better Vanae. I was lead on by an emotionally unavailable man not once, but twice (same guy). I took the bait and ended up getting hurt, lost my confidence and self-esteem. The worst part is that I work with him, so I saw him everyday. Now that he has moved away, (the company allowed him to work remotely-in fact in your neck of the woods) it’s been easier for me to start the healing process. I ended it with an email to him before he left that I could no longer be friends (I just don’t believe in going back to friends status after you’ve been intimate). He chose not to respond. I have my good days and bad days (when I tear up), but in the long run I had to make the best decision for me.
Thank you for your website-your advice has been a source of strength for me.
hey doll.
thank you for sharing.
it shows your strength for moving on and realizing what’s best for you.
HIGH FIVE! you deserve someone who deserves you.
hugs,
Vanae
Kris I am a dominant, attractive male – listen to me.
Be direct, bring her flowers, tell her she’s adorable n tell her u miss her in ur life. Make statements and appeal to her emotional state of mind and not her logical one. Be romantically aggressive and reassume the role of the man she was once attracted to
Thanks Naren
I like your advice.Lately I’ve been going back and forth whether I should persue her of let her go and move on. At the same time there hasn’t been a day where I haven’t thought about her.
Hi Naren, Do you think your advice to Kris would apply to a reversed situation? Where the woman is deeply missing a certain man in her life that has moved away, but said he would keep in touch? It’s been 2 and a half weeks and I’ve heard nothing yet.. we definitely had a great connection on many levels, and I didn’t want it to just fizzle out and die. I really really liked him alot.
Thanks – Deb
Deb, I too am curious what dominant, attractive naren would do…
As someone who once made a major move to a brand new and far away land… It could be that a considerable bit of time, energy, and effort has gone into becoming established and comfortable in the new surroundings. Big moves are often stressful and the priorities often shift… learning and adapting (and even surviving) may take up more time than was expected. It’s so often that life gets in the way.
But nothin’ wrong at all with a friendly hello from you to this absent friend asking about what’s new and exciting on his new adventure.
I agree that it always important and only fair to be honest and up front in a relationship. After all, your partner can’t read your mind and mixed signals are no fun. You’ll have more respect for yourself if you treat the other person the way you’d like to be treated.
I really like this one girl who I thought was a great girl. At first she was really into me and went out to a couple of dates. Then there was one time she brought her friends along and I thought nothing of it other than it was nice to be meeting her other friends. I took them out to a nice seafood place and enjoyed their company. From that day on she started to be more distant from me. I try to shrug it off and not be too pushy and stop calling or emailing her.I guess that her friends didn’t like me too well. In this relationship, I have always been the one emailing and calling her suggesting places to go, planning everything out and basically doing all the work to make sure we have a good time. She never once called or email back to ask where I’ve been or how I’m doing? Its been a couple of week and still nothing. The moral of the story is if you notice a girl not interested in you for whatever reason just toss her to the curb because she is not worth your time. If she does nothing for you than its time to move on and forget her.
For the first time in my life i saw the person i was with as the person i wanted to spend my life with (i am 32 years old). TO bad she did not see it that way. For 7 months we where inseparable. What changed who knows. 6 months later i still have no clue. Monday we go out have a great time. Tuesday she comes up to me and says i am moving to California i miss my brother and my gut tells me you are not the man for me.Every woman i talked to and explained the story too, is boggle by this and tells me, she was just leading you on. a woman does not spend 7 months with some one and then from one day to another says you not the man for her. I honestly think it was something her brother said. I never meet him but according to her sh is a pathological liar. If so why would she want to be part of that.
I wish there was a way of knowing the signs before the other person doesn’t see long-term. Intuition may be our best bet here. It as if there are specific criteria to follow to get the “perfect” relationship, which grows from there. It boggles my mind on the specifics. Either way, every relationship has something to teach us about ourselves and the world around us.
hey, i’ve watched few of your videos and it was helpful. thanks alot. it really helps me when it goes to the ‘penis’ thing. ahaha. by the way, ive readed your post talking bout knowing when its not going to be a long term relation. i wanna ask you something bout that. i really hope that you can help me to solve this. see, im with my girlfriend for almost a year now. but the thing is, i dont really like when she keep asking me these question, “what if we’re not together anymore?”. its not that i dont care bout the issue. i know that she cares bout that. but why does she keep on asking me the same question each time that i called and talked to her? i dont really get that. its not that im complaining or what. i just want your opinion on that. THANK YOU SO MUCH! i love all of your videos
keep up the good work! GO VANAE 
p/s: sorry for the broken english
Shafee
Coffee dates first bro. Save some $$$.
To Marco:
My own personal experience, my ex was exactly like that. One day I was her world. The next, I was like society’s scumbag. I never figured out the reason for her change of heart. But from my vantage point, I just learned to accept that women can be fickle. There are too many reasons to explain it but I rather keep it simple and accept the fact that a woman can completely change her feelings the next day. They love you deeply one day and then hate you. Worst yet they become apathetic. And I swear to you that this person and I were in love and meant for each other. She just decided one day I wasn’t the one. I noticed that a third party was involved where her personality was different. It sucks because I had question marks for 3 years until i decided I needed to stop or else my head would explode.
Kris, you’re not the only one. I’ve been in the same situation. Someone broke it off with me. We weren’t officially together either but we hung out and held hands. One day, he just told me things weren’t working out and it’s not because of me. He wouldn’t tell me what it is.. I really want to know so bad, but I guess I won’t ever. It sucks and it’s very unfair
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