There are always two sides to the crime of cheating:
1) You’re the victim
2) You’re the perpetrator
In this article, I want to share how to deal with cheating whether you’re on the receiving end or the person doing the cheating.
Cheating is not forever! When I say ‘not forever’, I mean, the pain doesn’t last forever…the cheating tendencies aren’t forever…
Recently, I received a letter from a young gentleman who has been cheating on his long term girlfriend and asked me if there was any hope for him since he no longer wants to be disloyal. I believe people can change. I believe people can be aware, learn and grow into a more honest person with themselves and with their partners. Hence, once a cheater DOES NOT mean always a cheater.
Look, the fact that he is reaching out and being proactive towards changing, that’s a great first step! Sometimes, people slip and make mistakes. Often times, cheating is the bi-product of an unsatisfying and/or unhealthy relationship. Not to say, this excuses his actions..it’s STILL WRONG! He needs be honest and end that relationship ASAP.
Most people I know who have cheated, only did it once and sincerely regrets it. Vowing, never to to cheat again. They saw the pain and harm it did to their significant other and couldn’t take it back. Most likely, they lost a great catch only to be alone to reflect on the mistakes and LEARNED. So here’s how to deal with it from both sides of the cheating pole:
IF YOU HAVE BEEN CHEATED ON:
1. Confront and reflect
Yes, it’s painful. With this healing process, dig deep and see if there were any factors or things you could have done differently. What was missing in the relationship? Could you have done things differently? Take all these into consideration, so you apply your growth and what you’ve learned to future relationships.
2. Heal
Bottom line is, you two weren’t meant for each other and that’s OK! Cut all ties with your cheater-ex so that you can fully heal and potentially establish a friendship much later on. The faster you accept it and release all the negative energy, the faster you’ll survive the break-up. There are people out there who are more deserving of the wonderful-you.
3. Open to trust again, just be cautious
I know it’s natural to close up and not trust anyone after all the hurt. But resist! You’ll limit yourself if you shut people out! Take your time to know someone new and open to someone who deserves your trust.
IF YOU ARE CHEATING AND WANT TO CHANGE:
1. Be honest with yourself and your partner
Realize that you’re hurting your significant other the longer you hide this. Let them know as soon as you can, so the both of you can start the healing process. Understand that if you’re going to work it out and stay in that relationship, earning back his/her trust is going to be near impossible!
2. Learn and better yourself
Reflect and understand why you cheated and how that affected the both of you. Learn and vow not to make those same mistakes!
3. Don’t rush into a relationship
Don’t get into a committed relationship unless you’re truly ready and he/she is someone you can focus on. Many couples rush only to find out that they’re not compatible and the honeymoon stage is over before it began!
While it seems like you’re gaining more with double-crossing, you’ll actually lose everything in the end!
REMEMBER: Be mindful of other people’s hearts as you’d like others to handle yours!
What do you think?
This is a guest article written for Amped Asia.
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A tough one, Vanae, but you nailed it. On either side, you’re right that it’s less about obsessing over the other person and all the toxic feelings. They’re ultimately dead ends. While harder, it’s more about taking time and being honest and open with yourself — who you are and who you want to be with. Thanks.
exactly. high five!
this is really great topic and nice advice from u V and I totally agree with u
thanks shady!
oh I forgot 2 say something , for the first seconds I thought u was talking about cheating in the exams LOL
1. Be honest with yourself and your partner
Actually, this is one of my tenants for a successful relationship. If people would follow it, there would be no cheating at all.
i totally agree. honesty is KING or QUEEN
I agree that you don’t have to hang on to toxic feelings, and I think that most people are capable of forgiving. The problem is that it’s the forgetting part that prevents people from moving past cheating, and it’s pretty hard to forget even with the best of intentions.
It’s really hard to find out when somone cheats on you. You are very right that you need to cut off all ties and not obsess about it, I mean why feel bad about losing somone whowiuld do that to you??? Thanks Vanae:)
The 3rd should be first “Don’t rush into a relationship”
That is the most important rule!! To many rush in before they are truly ready for many reasons all of them wrong!! Seeing each other or dating is NOT a relationship. committing too fast to a exclusive is very bad as it has not allowed the people to understand or really “know” the other. A person just dating someone no matter how long without an explicit agreement cannot use the “cheat” card as they are only dating!!
This is true. Once a cheater is NOT always a cheater. I cheated on my ex. The girl I was with for over 5 years. After doing so, it DID NOT feel good. I realized how much I hurt her and never knew how it felt until when it was actually done to me by a girl I truly loved. Since then, I never cheated on another person again. My first cheat was my last cheat.
I just caught my girl in bed with another guy last night. she was drunk and she wasnt thinking. i really like her but i just dont think i can trust her anymore.
is there any point in trying?
If a woman would get to a point where she would let her man ‘cheat’ with a woman they both agreed on then she would be one powerful bitch!
And–no doubt– be a beautiful, wise, spiritual and enlightened woman.
I know that is too much to ask for in today’s female media-savvy population but it should be something that a special woman who seeks never to be hurt again to strive for in her lifetime.
You might discover what is true love.
Hey, I think you made really valid points in this.
I’d also like to mention, that the significant other of the the person cheating, should NOT go after the person they cheated with, whether or not they knew.
I was cheated WITH and I got hurt, I can assume other people who are cheated with get hurt too when the person who cheated with them decides to be done with them. I agree from one of your videos that people with significant others are off limits, and there really is no excuse, but sometimes three people can get hurt in those situations.
I cheated on my ex with a girl. It turned out to be for the better and I love the new girl. I cheated on the new girl and I have come to realize that the new girl that I’m going out with is really the one for me. I won’t ever let her finde out I cheated. But. I vow to myself and my desist father I will not cheat again and that seems to work for me. And simply learning from this and treating my new girl with the utmost loyalty and respect and moat importantly. LOVE.
My Best friend had a relationship with a girl, I looked like they were perfect for eachother, they matched right away, but both were a bit foolish, what made them break up was that they didn’t talk to eachother, when something happened. Many times I had to fix it because both were stubborn. Till then at a party one got drunk and went on kissing another. After what there was quiet period for 1 month, after what, it was breakup time. My suggestion is that the MOST important rule in a relationship is communicating, talking to your love about everything. That’s how comes trust and how people actually understand eachother.
Somebody please help! I cant stop crying.
Things havnt really been great with me and my boyfriend.
Hardly ever see him, and feels like im the one making an effort all the time. But, last night, i ended up sleeping with someone else, and now i feel really bad. And i mean reaally bad! It’s made me realise how much my boyfriend actually means too me! This is the 1st time i have ever cheated..on anyone! Somebody pleasse help me¬ I dont know what too do!
I understand it wasn’t your intention to do what you did.Is because the love you have for your boyfriend. Its hard to deal with stress or rejection so could do anything wrong to avoid that. Dont 4get that once a cheater always a cheater so make sure that you cheat again because at the end of the day the guilt is going to be with you. Work hard on your relationship.
Do what you feel comfortable with. That’s how I feel with my gf. I don’t want to tell her bc it will destroy her and I’m and just so stupid for doing it in the first place anyway and I love her. From now on love your bf and be there for him. Take this as a learning experience and learn from it. Do not repeat it From now on show him the trust loyalty and love you need to share with him from now on. And start fresh
and vow. Never cheat again
I remember you saying that if life is a continuous learning process, then being imperfect is a prerequisite. Since we are imperfect, there is something missing from us or our partners. So Cheating begins when you start looking for that something our partners don’t have. And I definitely agree with you that people change.