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Hurah you are back. I am going to a BBQ Friday night with someone I like and have seen before, going to a memorial service with another lady I like and the one I asked to dinner and she said yes I saw at a Starbucks and she seemed like not as excited as she was when I asked her out but we did not set a date except soon and I would call but I just got her message when I called. I might have to actually call you because alot of times I get so far and then I reach down grab my ankle and just jam my foot in my mouth and screw it up. I am dating like a mf but don’t seem to be getting anywhere. A while back I just straight out asked could we be f buddys to someone and they laughed but never answered. I am doing way better since I have been trying to apply what you suggest. Glad you are back. Who is Frank?
Welcome back!! Good video.I have that windows messenger with the intergrated camera but I never used it. Wish I could take pictures like John Coyne. One thing at a time.
hey martin,
glad to hear your updates.
enjoy the dating. don’t worry too much about the destination. have fun! i know you are!
Vanae
Upfrank? That could be a new dictionary word Vanae! Quite Cute Actually!
Like they say, “Policy Is The Best Honesty”, Ooops! Did I Say That Wrong?
Sometimes you have to be “Cruel To Be Kind”, so it’s best to get straight to the point to avoid the person being “Strung Along” by not being “Upfrank!”
That has always been my policy, and I must say that I can always determine if someone is not interested in me.
Save Your Pride and Move Along!
BTW Vanae! You didn’t happen to meet a Frank in Costa Rica? Ahmmm! I wonder!
aha no Franks in Costa Rica.
there’s a way to communicate clearly and directly without being a bitch or asshole.
but yes, a guy should be able to read the signs in the first place. (that’s my next video)
Oh My! The real Dr. Tran!!!
And yep girls, just slap us directly with the answer!
Men are very very direct people, we like direct answers, indirect answers don’t work on us. hints and twisted words don’t work on us, we are very simple beings and we can’t read minds (only Mel Gibson can).
And I concur with the others, what’s up with(in?) Frank?
maybe i do have an imaginery Frank somewhere in my mind
Dr.Tran, Dr.Tran!
Wasn’t aware that you were gone…WELCOME BACK! I’ve been dying to see your vacation photos since the day you left!!!
Sarcasm aside – welcome back to Cali
Now, I can see why guys would like getting the direct answer better since, like wissam said, men are very simple minded and are not as socially savvy as women. So many men want women to give them directions and the right answer. Verdict: LAME! Guys should get some brains, balls, and…cough…class.
It’s hard to picture women wanting to be direct with men, though because as vanae said, women don’t like to be confrontational. Women find it harder than men to be hurtful, which is a quality I love about women.
OK, but let’s say the woman DOES end up being direct and telling the guy, “Thank you, and I’m not interested in you like that. Not to say that you are not attractive to someone else, but to me, you are not sexually attractive. Let’s be friends/fuck off.” Pretty direct, right?
Well, if the guy is not socially savvy enough to take the hint in the first place, I’m not sure that he would be mature enough to take the direct approach well, either. At least, that’s what my kooky imagination is telling me.
It might be likely that he will ask her, “Why don’t you like me?” (as in “let’s argue so that I can be around you a little longer before I lose you in the real world and my fantasies, and if your argument is inaccurate, which I know is inaccurate and does not deserve my respect, I will show all the ways in which you are wrong. You will see a different side of me, and thus, you will like me. Case closed.” -Signed, Creepy Chode) It’s sad seeing guys depend on women for happiness and not realizing that there are millions of women to choose from around any metropolitan area. And if you’re from the rural areas, there’s at least four girls around you – one to the south, north, west, & east.
Although, it’s equally easy to picture a guy saying, “OK. Thanks for your honesty.”
I like the traditional girly answer, though – it allows the guys to save face…only if they would think a little
(1) It doesn’t mean the woman is not sexually attracted to the guy. Women use men for sex too. (2) Guy’s aren’t simple minded. We just prefer to be direct. And this goes both ways: when guys are vague and dishonest with women, the woman will argue, try to convince him otherwise, keep calling, complain to all her friends, etc. And it’s because men ARE socially savvy that this is a problem. I don’t interpret it as “oh, she’s sweet. She’s being dishonest with me to spare my feelings and let me down easy.” I take it as “I value and respect her, and am being honest about my feelings and intentions with her. I understand she doesn’t want confrontation, but at the very least, don’t I deserve honesty?” The answer, of course, is YES, which is why I’ll drop any woman that hems and haws like a bag of bricks from a bridge.
I don’t believe being vague and dishonest is socially savvy. I view it as socially immature and juvenile. I view it as selfish, equivalent to “I don’t want to risk saying something confrontational that could hurt your feelings, because then you might say something that could hurt my feelings.” Really, that is what avoiding a potential confrontation is all about. It’s not about sparing their feelings, it’s about sparing your own; that is not sweet and it is not sensitive: it is selfish.
The best breakups I’ve had, the ones with the least drama and pain, the ones where I’ve remained friends (after some space), have been when the woman told me “I want to be honest with you because I value you and respect you and think you are awesome, but deep in my gut, I’m just not feeling it.” I value their honesty and it allows me to embrace that we are not right for each other much more soon, so if we run into each other we can be cool: no bitterness and no ulterior motives.
Ultimately, any woman (or man) who refrains from telling it how it is, is doing you a favor. Who wants a relationship with someone whose communication style is passive or passive aggressive? I want someone who is assertive.
Vanae completely agrees here. fuck yeah.
another score for John
It’s funny how things can be looked at from all these different angles.
I can totally understand why you would want a woman and people, in general, to be honest with you. If they lie, it can be a pain in the rear and can create all that drama. That’s an awfully selfish, too, though don’t you think?
But whether a woman tells the truth, a socially savvy lie, or a plain old lie, shouldn’t a man be able to handle that? Does he really need to go off and fret because the woman is being herself? I think a woman following her feelings and staying true to her way of thinking is an enjoyable form of honesty.
You make it seem like a woman’s urge to only hint at her feelings is a huge problem like the ebola virus – it must be stopped! lol
To me, at least, it is just one woman telling me that she is not interested. One out of a couple billion in the world (I’m a romantic so that lady living on the Euphrates has just as much of a chance with me as my next door neighbor haha), and I’m supposed to be weak with her and pursue her like she is the only woman in the world? Maybe in time, but by that time, this topic wouldn’t even be an issue
I’m quite the windbag, so I will go on…
Your first argument – women need chemistry much more than guys. The foundation for chemistry is attraction. If she doesn’t want to sit on your face, she does not find you to be attractive. If she does, even if she is “using you,” deep down she finds something attractive about you because a person never does anything they don’t truly want to do. Although, what they want to do will change from day to day, which would lead to buyer’s remorse.
Secondly, being insincere and a liar is, you’re right, not being socially savvy. And neither is being honest all the time. I know a lot of honest, could walk into church naked without reprimand type of friends, and they absolutely suck at socializing
One of the best known socialites was Benjamin Franklin. And frankly (haha), he talked more like a woman than a man. He is said to have never uttered an offensive phrase because he knew that if he wanted cooperation, making people feel bad would be a bad way to get it. Now, either Benjamin Franklin was the luckiest guy in the world and he never met anyone that pissed him off, or he learned to keep certain thoughts to himself to further his interests.
I agree that Ben Franklin was successful in his approach to these matters, perhaps because he BALANCED the virtues of wisdom, logic, and honesty, with empathy, tact, and diplomacy.
I also believe Ben Franklin had the sense of humility to proactively accept the consequences of his own words and actions, and not expect or demand others to respond appropriately to his set of ideals, even with reprobates. An example, be we male or female can ALL learn to heed and apply.
I agree that Ben Franklin was successful in his approach to these matters, perhaps because he BALANCED the virtues of wisdom, logic, and honesty, with empathy, tact, and diplomacy. I also believe Ben Franklin had the sense of humility to proactively accept the consequences of his own words and actions, and not expect or demand others to respond appropriately to his set of ideals, even when dealing with reprobates. An example, be we male or female can ALL learn to heed and apply.
I completely forgot how much I love that intro bit of your videos. The part where “vanae.com” comes across with the music and everything! It has been far too long.
i love itz too!
HAHA I just LOVE that Dr.vanae thing
I’m gonna agree and disagree with Jonsi.
You assume that men are direct because they are socially savvy.
Men who are socially savvy are neither direct or indirect. They just say what they feel, they just say it how it is. They mean what they say and they say what they mean.
In Vanae’s video, I wouldn’t say the man is socially savvy. He’s so unaware socially unsavvy that he doens’t pick up on the subtleties of her communication.
If he was socially savvy, he wouldn’t have the talks depicted in the video in the first place. He’d just lead her thru the emotions he wants her to feel… and allow her to react/respond accordingly.
He wouldn’t have THAT kind of talk.
interesting, khiem.
how do you think a socially savvy man would have handled conveying these messages? break down the process..curious of your thoughts here
Bravo. lol
Most of your advice is good but how about advising women to approach a guy for a change. I don’t know any guy who would not be completely stoked by this and if they were raised properly would not assume by this that they would end up in bed straight away.
Personally I refuse to believe women are serious about feminism until a few things happen:
1 Women ask men on dates. It shouldn’t always be the mans job. You come across as thinking all the woman should do is smile and flirt and be dissapointed if the man dosn’t make a move. If you want equality do some of the hard part yourselves. Dating must be so easy for women, if anything goes wrong – blame the man. He didn’t ask you out or he chose the wrong restraunt. Do nothing then blame the man for not doing everything right.
2 Women happily go out with guys who are shorter than themselves. I don’t know why you girls can’t do it but please get over it. Us shorter guys need lovin’ too.
haha awesome video..! Who were those other people that Dr. Vanae was commenting on?? They were really HOT