ASK VANAE FRIDAE:
Q. Hey V,
I really liked this girl I met. She was beautiful and smart and I wanted to take her out and she gave me her number. Well, over the winter break I would call her and she would never call back and the few times we did talk she would cut our conversations short. …I am going to be honest with you V, I feel now that I don’t want to have anything to do with the guessing game garbage and games in general that go along with relationships. I feel a little better knowing that you care. Where would you suggest I go from here V?
A. Hey dear,
Of course I care! So do your friends, so reach out to them as well. =)
A person lags or doesn’t return your calls, most likely because that person is not interested. And that’s OK. Not everyone is going to be your match. Just as I’m sure in your past, you’ve turned down some females because you didn’t feel the same. Most people won’t be your match but the few who are…will be well worth it. So don’t take it too personal. This is called ‘dating’.
It’d be easier if people would be straight up and tell you if they’re not interested instead of leaving you hanging. Unfortunately, many people have trouble telling that there’s no mutual interest. This doesn’t necessarily mean that she is viscious and wanted to hurt your feelings. Sometimes, people avoid confrontation or having to reject people by not returning calls or texts. Sometimes, they do it because they don’t want to cause any ill feelings or just plain- don’t think it’s worth their time to explain. It’s always easier (not exactly right) to avoid rather than confront so it takes a truly mature person to tell you straight up.
What does this mean for you? On an awareness level:
What about it bothered you? Think about what and how that felt. What is your gut telling you? Is it rejection? Is it that disappointment? Something else?
If it’s your EGO or anything else..address it.
What to do next? Move on.
Understand what bothered you. Alter your thinking/behavior. Accept it. Your matches will be few and great experiences ahead..well, there’s plenty to look forward to. Life is short. You’re valuable. Move on so that you spare your time for someone who is deserving of your time.
What do you think?
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Your answer is especially helpful, Vanae, because it prompts us to step back and ask why the situation seems difficult, why it matters that she’s not calling back, and finally why she’s important int he first place. Maybe she’s hot, maybe the chemistry in even a first meeting seemed dizzying, or maybe there was some other click. For me, a big part of putting the response of an individual woman — any individual woman — in perspective is to remember that she’s not the only one out there for me. That’s not to minimize her specific hotness, chemistry, etc. But it’s to appreciate the abundance of different, amazing possible connections out there. Yea, I know that bumps up against a certain romantic idea of finding “the one.” A revelation for me, though, came from stepping back from a fixation on one woman to appreciate the how many ones were possibly out there for me. That’s another, very cool romantic idea.
exactly! you got it!
V
Wow good looking out!
Hi V!
Wow, that was just what i needed to hear. Thank you.
super welcome tony@
What I usually do in this situation is leave a message, text, or email saying “So you’re playing hard to get… I see how it is. You know, I really dislike flaky people. I am a very busy person and I have things to do. So if you do decide to give me a call back, I’ll see if and when I can fit you in to my schedule.” Most of the time it works, sometimes it doesn’t. If it doesn’t I brush it off, and I realize there are other people out there.
hey calin,
why do you this approach works sometimes, and not at others?
i feel that this approach is feeding into ego and using bait to get people who wasn’t your match in the first place.
thoughts?
“It’d be easier if people would be straight up and tell you if they’re not interested instead of leaving you hanging.” -
Your advice is right on Vanae!
I think this is the meat that’s missing from the plate.
I was recently put through the “Dating hoops” because my female friend believed that I should be dating. After a couple of awkward get-togethers between myself and the lady in question, we both agreed that we are friends. The important part is that we were honest. -
The meat on the plate
meat + honesty= a good burger
=D
V
I agree that the match may not have been good from the get go, but I feel that this approach shows confidence. If you think about it good looking women are constantly being hit on by men. I think you’ll agree with me on at least that much. Therefore, I believe there has to be something that sets you apart from the rest. One of the ways to set yourself apart is confidence. All I’m saying is that from a glance women see me as average. In other words I’m just another one of those guys that asks for your number. Then when I leave the girl the message, she begins to think that maybe there’s something more to this guy. It basically gives me another chance and allows me to rely on something other than my looks. If the girl doesn’t call me back then she just wasn’t attracted to me, plain and simple, and I believe that there has to be attraction for any relationship to function properly.
Something very similar happened to me recently, i tried calling and txting this girl I started to like (we work together)she didn’t reply or call back. I can live with that but what bugged me is that she tried to act like nothing happened straight after when I saw her next, plus she told me a couple of weeks before that she liked me (we always playfully flirted with each other), in two different situations, I didn’t know if she was joking and was kinda stunned, my feelings for her obviously grew from there. But I kinda came to the realisation that she was just playing with my head, thus helping me move on, which I have thankfully.
Hey V
Hey! vanea well i gota question to ask you. say theres a girl and you work with her how would you be able to ask her out without causing any problems or awkwardness…
i just started talking to this girl about a month ago. from the beginning she loved me. everything about my conversation my looks my lips we even kissed and had a great time 1 night. but now throughout the days she really dont call and text no more like she used too. am i being too nice or am i shortly bt slowly running her away. also do i start getting mad or press the issue or does that make it worse…
Yeah it does hurt to get rejected…ignoring someone is a very bad thing in my opinion because it never brings closure. I notice girls do this a lot and though it happens to a lot of people this is reality. The best thing to do is not let it get to you. Something that helps is date as many people as you can because its called dating and your not in a relationship or anything so if one girl ignores you than you have plenty of other people to hook up with.
Hi Vanae,my situation is similar to the topic but not entirely the same deal.I have been talking to this girl from another school close to mine(we’ll both be seniors in high school this coming fall) and we started talking online around the beginning of this year.We’ve talked almost every single day through messages but only 1 or 2 at most usually and every once in awhile we wont talk for a couple days but thats about it.We’ve gotten to be really good friends and have another friend in common that I didnt know about until just before school let out in june.Anyways,I guess this has to do with overthinking things as well,but I keep getting the feeling that we should talk like everyday.We both have talked about what we like,dislike(and we have alot in common,she’s even gotten me to like a couple things I didnt think I would at first).But is it bad that I seem to like her a little too much right now when we cant meet in person anytime soon it looks like?And is it bad for me to worry over something as little her not writing back for a couple days?Thanks for the input,very appreciated.