Last week, I did an episode on trust and believing what your significant other revealed about their sexual history. Inevitably, this spawned the discussion about sex partners ( and sadly, some guys had very sexist thoughts/expectations of women). One male even commented that he wanted to know how many people she’s been with so that he can protect her. Now, I’ve never heard of this reasoning before..so I’m surveying you to get your thoughts on this topic.
First off. we all know how important it is to honestly talk about sexual history with your mate – about sexual practices, STIs, safer sex, birth control, etc. So this talk is standard and it’s essential. Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way…
Game Dae Wednesdae is: Does it matter to you about your partner’s past sex rendevous? Whether it be the number of partners, what they’ve experience, how long ago? If so, why? Also, what is your age? and I’m not referring to as a curiosity. When I say matter, I mean, it really matters to you.
I have a theory about this and will see if it’s true according to our v’stars.
Yes I think it matters. Not simply just because of STD’s and things of that nature but the other things that go along with it. I’m a guy so I already know most women will have baggage, and I’m okay with that. So wouldn’t it be fair to at least let me know “you” after a certian ponit in the relationship? And on a personal note the whole number of sexual partners thing I kinda get. Being a Virgin (I’m 18) myslef I want to know how many guys my partner has slept with, because in my mind every guy that she has slept with, the guy sort of hads too when they have intercourse. I don’t know just my two cents.
For me this doesn’t matter really at all. The only thing I ever want to know about a partner’s sexual history is STI’s (have any or ever had one; such as the clap, crabs, etc), On birth control (yes/no and what kind), and your biggest sexual fantasy (I like to try and possible fulfill their current fantasies if I can; even I have limits Vanae lol).
Also (sort of a sexual type question) I like to know if they have kids…
For me that is the only info about sex history I need or want to know. Other than that of course I want to know the basics, of fav position, preference of position, etc…
There is no need to need the number of ex’s or what they used to do with their ex’s, really I don’t want to know anything about a woman’s previous partners in any sexual manner. To me that is none of my business and I really honestly don’t care.
To be perfectly honest no couples should ever ask those questions. They are nothing more than ways to bring trouble into a relationship. Think about it, jealous guy/girl knowing previous history, not a good idea. A guy/girl with low self esteem hears about your grand numbers or adventures, they’ll think they can never live up to those expectations and be always thinking about your past lovers. Say you are in a relationship with a virgin or you were her first, if she asks about previous partners…there is no redemption for them, they’re gonna think for 1, they weren’t your first and know that, 2 is they will hear of your previous amount and can get scared, etc…. So in my opinion I really believe knowing a partner’s sexual past beyond that which is required for health and personal well being is not need and is nothing but extra problems for a relationship.
For the record as Vanae knows, I’m 25 for all the rest of you out there lol ^_^
…..So I just thought that to post all this with no evidence or background I sound like I’m full of hot hair. So for first let me say I study anthropology and psychology, now I am no where near Vanae in in the intimate knowledge foundation of relationships, but I know psychological profiles and symptoms and more.
As for any sort of proof I will give 1 example from my own life. My most recent ex, who I is atm that grey area girl, but that is a whole different thing. So I was her apparent first BF, kiss, and sexual partner. She demanded on knowing about the privy information about my sexual past. After finding out she became more insecure in herself and her ability and looks, etc… not to mention she would through my own past in my face during a fight to try and anger me or make me feel remorse or loose self esteem.
I do have another background piece of a friend who was a virgin yet his fiancé wasn’t and he knew, but never the details. One day he asked for the details and after it is all he talked about. He eventually cheated on her multiple times to try and make it so he had the same number and got more experience so he could make her forget the past partners…..
As a closing note, there can be one upside to knowing all the extra details of each other’s personal history. Though it’s not true for everyone, it’s mostly for the people of more eccentric behavior and one uppers. The good that I have ever noticed is that in cases (if you are like me) it will only drive you to one up all the past partners, make it so I’m the one they think about only, strive to out maneuver past partners and going even more extreme and want to be their only sexual thought.
I agree with most of the comments made by Elliot. There are only a few things that I want to add on to.
First of all, I am very conservative person. My expectations are for someone who I plan to date long term or serious relationship. As a result, I have my own limits.
I do not need to know every details about my partner’s sex life. But I need to know as least a ball park of sexual partners she had. I mean like over 50+ is a bit more than I can “personally” accept.
Second, as Elliot mentioned, I need to have some sort of medical proof of free from any forms of STDs and also whether she is on the pills or not. There is nothing to be ashamed of. And with sex, I expect mutual exclusive right. If someone believes that its okay to see other people while dating, I am “absolutely” not okay with that.
Other than that, every other information, I consider as “private and personal” matter that’s just for myself. I also do not like the idea of making sex videos and pictures. I consider serious sexual relationship a very private matter. That’s all I can add.
This is just for Vanae for data collection purpose:
About me:
Age 24, Straight, Asian, Male, Third Culture Kid (originally from South East Asia), Eldest Kid, Graduate degree, Work in Banking Industry, New Yorker (for the last 7 years), Buddhist, ENTJ, Horoscope (Sun: Gemini, Venus: Taurus)
My three main personality attributes:
Communication, Leadership, Persistence
Relationship History:
3 stable long term relationships for the last 7 years
What I look for in my partner:
Communication, Honesty, Ambition
Someone I can connect on a spiritual level.
What I want from Vanae?
Teach me to become the Mr. Right to attract high quality woman for long term relationship
I do want to know about her sexual history. In general, it does not matter to me. We’ve all had different experiences and “phases” in our life that shape who were are today, and what matters to me is who she is right now, when with me.
If a guy has had 5 sexual partners and his new gf 50, that does not mean anything; however, it might mean they are incompatible if that difference reflects how they socialize when single, outgoingness, etc. It might reflect incompatibility if one person is highly conservative, and the other not, or if one person used sex to gain esteem or the others esteem was too low to not even be able to flirt. For these reasons, I think that a large difference between the number of partners *might* indicate incompatibility. It is therefore important to discuss as part of “knowing” someone, who they were, and who they are today.
That said, I find it completely irrational to assume someone with many partners is more likely to cheat (if they have always been faithful.) The risk I see is more that the less “experienced” person — and let’s be real, the number of partners you have does not make you experienced or better at sex unless your few sex partners were vanilla — will want to catch up. This is where sharing things like your most desired sexual fantasy, and acting on them, can help. You have to make that person feel that they are welcome to have the same experiences with you that anyone else did, that they are just as desirable, satisfying, and kinky as anyone else you have had. If you can make them feel that way, I don’t think a discrepancy in number is a big deal.
I wouldn’t say its a deal breaker for me, but I do date “veterans” seldom and cautiously. Its a giant red flag that the person might have serious problems holding together a long-term relationship or isn’t going to be exclusive. I’m 32.
The concept of a threshold “big number” seems short sighted — one should factor their age, how many years they’ve been together with previous long-term partners, and what their parents relationship was like. Oh, and if you ask always multiply by two
Yes it does matter.
Now I would not accept someone who has more than 25 partners. Maybe even 20 is too much.
I can understand that when we are younger we all wanna experiance this, we are not sure what we want, even who we really are inside and we try to figure it all out.
We can try differnt partners looking for better sex, or maybe different races or different sexes in some cases. But after few partners it should change.
My age is 24. I had 5 sexual partners.
and if women didnt was sleeping with random guys that even worst. Or if she liked to have friends and some benefits from it
I dont wanna create family in the future with that kind of person. We just dont suit each other.
I believe what’s done in the past should stay in the past. Now if she brings it up than yea go ahead and ask but don’t push the issue. I am a guy and I don’t think I would come up forward and say I slept with 100 woman. If we feel both comfortable talking about it than sure why not. All in all i think if your relationship is in good health don’t but the issue and talk about it. Aas long as she or he is faithful to you that’s all it matters!!!
It does matter to me but not in the jealous type of way that most guys likely consider it. I actually look for adventurous sex in a partner. The girl I’m seeing now has been in a three way with 2 guys. I like it honestly because it says she’s adventurous in ways similar to me. I still want to have sex outside somewhere, still want to have a 2 girl and me three way (which she is totally willing to do), and a few other adventurous sexual escapades that only a girl like this would be up for. I could get these things by being single but she really is amazing so I don’t want to let her go. The fact that she’s okay with these things (and wants to have sex with an asian hottie almost as much as I do) makes me think she might just be the one.
Number does matter to, again in the same way. I want a girl who has had at least 10 partners. Anything before that and.. Idk, it’s just not the same. They don’t have the same views / attitudes toward sex as I do if partner number is less than 10. Call me… dirty but I like a girl who has a slutty streak.
I have some pretty dirty fantasies and I sometimes act them out. I also plan to be a male stripper. I need a girl who indulges herself in the same way. And anyway, trust me, they are the best sex.
To be honest the girls that I can “see myself with” have had between 15 and 35 partners before me. The other girls who have less than 10… well they’re boring or too immature.
Oh, and I’m an adventurous 22 yr old.
Everyone has alot valid points on this issue. And it just goes to show that every individualhas their own expectations about what they gotta know. Though on a “need to know” basis, knowing about how many sexual partners, your gf/bf has had in their life isnt a matter of judging them, but either out of curiosity, or a tool to find out whether they have STI’s or any other health concerns that could affect you.
Birth control and contraception are very important to alot of people. both for those seeking children, or not. I am 22 years old and have been having intercourse for 6 years. And having had previous girls who have both pregnancy scares, and telling me to get checked for an STI, make those matters exceptionally important.
After these scares i politely ask my partners, without sounding accussing or impolite, whether they have any infections or not. And the only time i will ask about old partners is merely out of curiosity and not a jealousy thing. Alot of the time im not phased either way whether they are exceptionally active or a novice sexually.
As everyone knows, sex can both be an expression of a deeper emotional connection, or for sheer pleasure and fun, i personally prefer to sleep with women who are my girlfriend, or even sleep with girls with the future sight into a relationship “try before your buy” lol, but obviously not so crudely put.
I am fully aware i am repeating alot of points that have been made, but the main point is, my current sexual partner and i have both a physical and emotional connection, and we are both happy divulging information about our pasts without fear of judgement or persecution.
We use it as a tool to not make the same mistakes as we did and previous relationship, and potentially try new things. Whether it be sexual positions, or locations of intercourse.
Really the key thing i think we should all remember is that we shouldnt make judgements on how many sexual partners our lover or partner as had, but use it as a tool of education about the person you are seeing, and an important thing is to get the chemistry to a comfortable place where you can openly discuss these issues, and if need be, get sexual health checked, or have your relationship blossom as best as you can.
Enough rambling haha, everyone has good points, though it would be good to get some female perspective on these comments
I am 30. if she had serious bf’s.. that is ok with me…
But. it is kind of painful sometimes to know all the truth… I would prefer not to know…. for example, what i feel disgusted about that she was with THAT specific guy, which I know and consider him disgusting… If she was with another guy I know, but not THAT one – it would be ok… I do not care… But THAT disgusting guy … or no!! I feel dirty …. \:-) does it make any sense for you and fit into your theory?
27
STD’s…matters.
Sexual history. Not so much. Not my biz.
Being Sexually adventurous. Matters.
But I know that sometimes knowing can really dig into you when you care. No one is special on that one. It just depends on the rules you live.
Sexual history doesn’t bother me so much. But seven, it’s ok. twenty-seven, it’ll make me unsure about where this relationship will going.
I’m 23, from China. I have to say that some of the questions i don’te really get or just don’t know how to explain myself. Maybe coz i never face those situations.
Diseases matter i think. It is irresponsible of someone knowing their issue and still go out to have fun.
well, this is the first time i got here and leave a comment. I saw you in a video and i think you’re pretty cool.
Learning English for a couple of years. Still no good.