ASK VANAE FRIDAE
Q. For as long as i can remember, i have always had this natural instinct to want to help others no matter what degree of troubles they may have…What i’m trying to say is that i’ve fallen victim to my own heroism and not really establishing myself as friend from not-friend i guess.
My friend is one of the sweetest girls you’ll ever meet and has a heart of such great compassion for others. My story is pretty much, she’s the stereotypical beautiful girl next door (not literally) with all the troubles in the world on her shoulders and you cant help but want to do something about it.
i already know its not meant to be but i cant help but want to save her.
Hero
A. Dear Hero,
You have, what I call the ‘hero complex‘. The constant urge to fix ‘beautiful yet broken individuals’ to save them. People do this to validate their value to others, but mostly, to themselves. But often times can’t distinguish love versus with the compulsion to fix.
So you’re saving all these females, but let me ask you… Who’s saving you? The answer should be …YOURSELF.
I understand.
You feel that you’re genuinely helping -or- it’s a good challenge to conquer.
When I was in high school, I use to attract these lost souls and wanted to help them see the light. They end up as ‘projects’…with the goal to fix and save. But trust me, I didn’t end up with love…just a lot of heart-ache.
See, THAT was the HERO COMPLEX, which is finding value in helping others, in the expense of sacrificing your own well being. I realized that people don’t need to be saved, because that’s just short-term. People need friendship and mentorship to guide them in the right direction. So this means, you don’t have to date these kind of individuals. So, is it worth your time to be friends? Be true to yourself of your intentions.
REMEMBER THESE POINTS:
- Save yourself, before saving others
- If you’re not grounded and you fix others, you have the ‘hero complex’
- You want to fall in love with people for the right reasons (you truly love them) not because you want to fix them
The TRUE question is…How do you define your value…to yourself?
Vanae’s tip of the dae: You won’t find self-worth and value in others. It’s within
YOU.
V’stars, what do you think?
Great answer. I have heard it called Captain Saveaho syndrome. Your TRUE question is a good one and no easy task to answer. I can barely grasp the question but I will be thinking about it. To me its like the questions “why is the sky blue” “how does electricity work” “what is love” “why is water wet”
“how far does the universe go” “how can it never end”
You are such an encouragement to me thanks for your positive website. I told my friend about it yesterday and he liked it. You rock Vanae!
captain save-a-ho, haha. i haven’t heard that term since high school. guys used to say that alot.
=)
keep it strong, and keep it rockin martin!
I have this complex…
what will you do now?
become clark?
yes and know your limits and strengh !
yars
do what you want i wish i had this complex i someone to help and fix me
Deep breath. Yes, you’re right (again). This is a tough habit, if not to recognize then to break. But your laying it out helps. Thanks.
Dear Hero:
Take Vanae’s advice and don’t be, as we used to say in the hood, a Captain Save-A-Ho. I know because I used to be one of those co-dependent guys, and all
I got out of it was screwed, and not in the good sense. Females that need saving are leeches that will bleed you dry,leave you to die,and take off with the next sucker that can better meet thier selfish needs.If you feel the need to help someone,
work with a charity in a position where you don’t neccessarily have to get emotionally involved with the people until you can get help and get a handle on your co-dependenc tendacies.
But can’t there truly be just a natural want to help someone whether its to the opposite sex, a loved one, or a random stranger. I make the common mistake of lending out my only pen just before tests. I grew up knowing hard times coming out of a 3rd world country, so any help meant that you would return the favor as a debt gratitude towards the other person.
I pose this question: What about political offices?
The officials are set there to help the nation, while in exchange for their help is this ruling power over us in a sense. This is where so many governments end up being looked at in history as a double edged sword. One edge is to enforce justice, while the corruption install themselves over that justice to be come lawless.
I don’t know where I was going there? I guess people can see it as a “Gift and Curse,” thanks jay-z for the help.
This is so inspiring! =)
thanks Marivic!
=)
Trust me when I tell you It feels really horrible when you realize that someone has taken you on as a sort of charity case or project. People don’t want to be saved… they want genuine friendship and understanding.
It’s ok to be compassionate and want to help people. It shows that you’re a great person but it would hurt the other person to know that you’re only befriending them because you feel sorry for them and not because you actually just want to be a friend…
Well unfortunetly she can’t please everyone. Like you said “genuine friendship and understanding”, something so many seek, and so many never find. And so many of these people tend to want to cling to that type of person who is out to lend a helping hand. And many of them can be serously emotional wrecks. So throw a sparky do-gooder like Vanae infront of these people and HO-LEE SHIT!!!!! I wouldn’t really want to try and take that on, unless it was going to be my career choice. How many needy emotional people can one individual really try to befriend and comfort. I don’t want to sound stone cold here, but my advice to these people would be to just chill out, and not to take shit personal – if someone doesn’t want to be your buddy, hey tough shit, don’t take it personal, suck it up and move on, ya know….
hi van, how are you doing ? You look so beautiful, just wondering are you still single ? I’m Vietnamese by the way
It´s true, what Vanae says… sometimes is difficult to be another way, not to be too generous… Someone may help him self, when saying No!, try to have dialogues not asking about the way people feel, try to be with funny people with interests, hear them and talk about that… Try to say more NO when asked to do things… anyway when someone is asking himself this… is in the right path because is tired of feeling that way, just try to do the changes with less suffering possible, the rest will arrive.
I use to be like this, and people pleasing. I found that it was just bringing me down. You can’t help others until you help yourself first; your no use to anyone if you are of no use to yourself.
I’ve fallen prey to this Hero Complex and I have it till recently… as what you stated which all turned true.. I KNOW jolly well that I am not truly in love with them but only want to save them.. in expense of myself.. to the extend I was known as the guardian angel .. and I even took it as God’s mission for me.. Man was I so mislead…@_@
Only then I was finally slapped wake by a good friend..but I still have it in me~ just that I know when to step back now
I am a 26 years old virgin, no girl wants to be with me, and when I ask each possible girl what’s wrong with me – they can’t answer this, they don’t see any minuses in me, and I don’t understand what the hell. I remember when I was a 4 years old boy or so, we lived in a house and during summer time some older girls where coming to our place to take some goods of our garden. One of these girls always was begging me to help her out to collect these goods, and I couldn’t say “no”, then others started to ask me for help, couldn’t reject them either. But now I understand, I was helping them out, which is good…NOT! NOT GOOD! Because I wanted to reject all of them, but it’s (was) in my nature not to make people suffer, so I was going against myself just that others would be happy, that’s right, even if it meant my unhappiness. Well, it’s painful to realize this, but I am the one who made myself unhappy and unwanted by the opposite sex. I couldn’t say “no”. A simple word like this (actually, the LACK of it) can make your life a living virgin-hell. Damn, I guess I am unique in making fictional terms…oops, sorry, I’m thinking highly of myself again, well, what do you know, I am a hero (yeah right). It’s not sex that it matters for me, even though I want it just like everybody else, it’s the fact that nobody wants you, JUST because you go against yourself for the other’s sake. This means that you don’t respect yourself, you don’t respect your needs, so how come others respect them if you don’t? Damn, and how much pain I endured just to know this little thing, it sucks, but no reason to complain now, have to change this.
One more thing, heroes in the movies make all these sacrifices for the sake of others, they hide their true personality under a mask, yes I know that a good percentage of them get a girl, BUT…not in real life (with a critically small percentage of them). Save yourself, and by doing so – others will also be saved, it’s NOT selfishness, so don’t be afraid. Well, actually I am the one who must follow this advice first. Difficult…damn it. Oh well, in real life, the words “hero” and “jerk off” are synonyms
P.S Vanae, sorry for writing all like this, I am just pissed off a little. It’s just painful to realize that I am the one to blame for all this crap, not others, especially in this condition. Thank you.
I can’t be a hero. I am too
busy eating donuts.
VFF