“Throw your heart out in the name of your life purpose, even when you don’t know what will happen. Sometimes it will break, and then there is growth.” – Karen Kimsey-House

It is so easy to shut down your heart and promise yourself after a devastating heartbreak, to never FEEL that again. I know, I’ve been there a few times. Being numb and going through the motions. Sometimes being so jaded and guarded with your armor and you don’t even realize it.

I want to share this beautiful article with you, Disrupt Your Life in a Good Way, Pt. 1: Don’t Fear Heartbreak… It’s Growth by Karen Kimsey-House. She writes:

“I noticed that we human beings expend an inordinate amount of time and energy protecting our hearts from shattering. The cost? We become armored and narrow and stop evolving. In fact, the only way we can evolve is when our sense of what we know and trust is destroyed…Staying static doesn’t work because everything is always evolving and changing around us. If we attempt to avoid going with the flow, we meet with resistance or begin to fold into ourselves. We’re either expanding or contracting, living in the flow in an affirming life or stuck in a diminishing life…

We all must make an important decision: Will our heart be shriveled and closed, or open and bruised?…Fortunately, the human heart can be shattered over and over and still recover. The heart is the most amazing construct in the universe. It’s an ever-expanding, infinitely heal-able and resilient learning instrument. Yet we tend to protect it like it’s a fragile, shriveled thing. It needs to break — it’s the only way it grows. Experience helps too, but heartbreak has really taught me the most.”

So true. It was from my devastating heartbreak that I grew the most – extending my understanding of self, what I want in the next relationship, how to contribute to a healthy relationship, lessons gained and how this helped me refine my being.

I know that with each time that I allowed myself to open up to love again, I feel those butterflies and those intense emotions of being alive. I can feel again. And heartbreak sometimes comes with the territory. But boy, did it feel great to FEEL. And my heart heals, became stronger and my soul became wiser.

So perhaps you’ve shielded your heart because at some point a love gave you deep disappointment.

Perhaps you felt that were wronged in the past and never wanted to trust again.

Perhaps you locked your vulnerability away to survive, like this woman mentioned in Karen’s article, “a woman who had become so hardened and so calculating that she couldn’t let anyone inside. She talked about how hard it had been to make it in a man’s world, about how she had learned never to let her underbelly show or to let them see her sweat. She started to shake, then cry, then wail. Her heart was breaking because she realized the worldview she’d concocted for survival had cost her more than it was worth… and it was now shattered. One at time, we each went up to her and touched her gently to let her know we were there. She cried for a long time… years, maybe decades, of armor melted off of her.”

Just remember how resilient you are.
How resilient your heart is.
And remember what you’ve gained from vulnerability.

I’d rather be alive, then be a walking emotionless-shell, jaded and blinded to opportunities. Wouldn’t you?

To read the rest of this beautiful article, click http://huff.to/J2QCCC.

One of my v’stars asked this question earlier today, “Vanae, why do you feel the need to be famous?”. And I think this is a great question. Not because it inquires about “my need to be famous” but more that it triggered my feelings around fame and popularity.

I reference people with these terms all the time: celebrity, popular, famous and fame. Especially in the blogosphere and internet marketing world.

But when people reference me as a YouTube celebrity, expert, famous or anything alike…I cringe. (internally and sometimes it shows on my face as awkward)

One, because I think those words are pretentious. (Notice this hypocrisy?)
Two, I have never felt comfortable with those words.
Three, I don’t see myself as any of those words.

Sure, I’m aware of the popularity of my webshow episodes…

So I grew up in an immigrant Vietnamese family that taught me values of being humble, modest and appreciate the small things since we grew up poor. My parents demonstrated amazing work ethics and what sacrifice looks like. So throughout my adulthood, I strive to be humble, grateful, balanced and allow myself to be ME.

So I deflected compliments growing up and learned how to accept them in my adulthood.
Maybe there’s still reminisce of this…hence the reaction when I hear these “fame” words.

So with the brand I have built, it came organically. I didn’t have a master plan in 2006 nor would I have ever thought I’d be doing what I do today. Never in a million years. Back then, I knew I was going to use some type of mass media to reach people, but know exactly how or what about. But I knew that was in my heart – to positively impact as many lives as possible.

So years later of passion, hard work and branding. Here I am, lucky enough and grateful to run a business being ME.
You
So should I own these words of “star” or “YouTube celebrity” or the like? Shrugs.
I’ll let others use those words if they choose to.
I’m just…Vanae.
And maybe, just maybe….one day I’ll stop cringing.

PS- I realize that I love starting off sentences with “So…”

PSS- I love genuine people. There’s no bigger turn-off than pretentious, big-ego people. I hope to meet less and less of the latter as I navigate the dating and internet marketing world.

We want to be seen, don’t we?

From our contributions at work, we want our management to acknowledge our hard work.

From our achievements, we want our parents to give us positive reinforcement and tell us that they’re proud.

From our existence in life, we want others to see us as we’re standing in the middle of a crowded bar.

We want to know that we exist and there’s value in our existence…if not, then are we walking lonely creatures?

And then…the times when we do feel acknowledged and seen, boy, doesn’t that feel amazing?

So what great timing of an article I just read by Pamelah Landers, especially with the conversations I have been having with friends lately and a “common” wanting from clients that I’m working with.

I want to this article, Really Being Seen, written by Pamelah Landers which really resonated with me and I’m curious of what reactions the article stirred up for you. Share your thoughts!

Vanae

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Really Being Seen
written by Pamelah Landers

Have you ever really ‘been seen’? What does this mean?

Being seen, to me, is being acknowledged, understood, listened to, encouraged and supported in my endeavors, my passions, my desires.

Who really sees you?

This is the million dollar question, isn’t it?

The truth is, it isn’t the job of anybody in your personal life or business life to COMPLETELY “see” you. Expecting that is a set up for disappointment. It’s a huge barrier to intimacy in personal relationships. If you are angry with somebody who isn’t seeing you the way you want to be seen, you may want to release the blame. It’s not their responsibility. Do you know what I’m talking about here?

In Caroline Myss’ material on “Anatomy of the Spirit,” she says that the lower three chakras are ‘tribal’. When you start moving into claiming your own ‘heart’ chakra energy, you need to individuate from the ‘tribe’. The tribe doesn’t like your individuation because their job is to keep you safe. Their role is violated, according to them, when you separate from ‘tribal traditions’ or accepted tribal behavior. The tricky piece is that in order to individuate, to claim your purpose for being here, you have to step outside accepted tribal behavior.

This leads to ‘not being seen’ by your family of origin or community where you grew up. It’s not their job to see you. Your family’s job is to keep you safe, according to their rules. I know many of you grew up in non-safe families. That’s for another newsletter.

The point is that it isn’t anybody else’s job to really, completely see you: it’s not the responsibility of your lover, partner, husband, wife, parents, siblings, children, or bosses or even best friends. They will see you to their own level of self-acceptance and comfort. Does this make sense?

For years, much of my adult life actually, I was really angry that my parents couldn’t see me. After all, they raised me! I blamed them. That blame put me in the vicitimzation role. Because ‘they couldn’t see me’ I dimished myself, gave my power away to them with my anger and thus put me on the student path of my hands’ Jupiter markings – powerlessness and being a victim. Then I hid behind that anger as a way to not get myself into the public eye more. Believe me, this is not a successful strategy!

After many therapeutic hours, including feeling deep grief and anger, mostly through sobbing, I was able to eventually move internally to release the blame and anger. I find myself now in a good relationship with my parents, accepting they can’t see me at my complete expression. I know now that it’s not their job, nor was it ever. It’s such a relief to all of us because I no longer approach time with them expecting a role they can never fulfill.

“The minute I heard my first love story,
I started looking for you, not knowing
how blind that was.
Lovers don’t finally meet somewhere.
They’re in each other all along.”
? Rumi

Many of us spend most of our lives searching for our other halves – as if we are incomplete until we find “THE ONE”. And inevitably, this hunt sets up expectations that bring disappointment that then becomes misery. Familiar with this process?

We become jaded and doubtful. “So where is this THE ONE person?” or “This relationship was supposed to be the one”. Worse, we lose sight of ourselves and the beauty of life itself.

I have learned from my personal journey of love, and from the gift of Vipassana, that I’d been searching in vain for my other half, when it’s been with me all along.

The fact is…I am whole. And YOU ARE complete and whole just as you are.

Too often, people seek coaching with me because they believe there’s something inherently wrong with them… Don’t seek coaching to fix yourself. You’re not broken. We are human … we are designed to be imperfect. Coaching will work best for you when you seek it because you love to learn, and to evolve into a more conscious individual, with inner fulfillment, and stronger connections to others.

People seek businesses coaches, not because they think their business sucks and think it’s inherently messed up. People seek business coaches to expand their business, expand and evolve. If we take the same approach to dating and personal development, we can also expand and evolve this compassion and space, and share that tremendous growth in your mind and in your heart.

Find that love within yourself and in the community. Because when you take yourself off this pointless search for love, when you understand and trust that the love you seek from your future partner has been with you all along, you’ll naturally take the steps in the right direction.

Can you imagine being so focused and meditative that you could allow a major itch on your body just away without scratching it?

I just got back from an incredible journey of 10 days of silent meditation- Vipassana course – in Joshua Tree, CA. It was the longest 10 days of my life -intense, challenging, emotional, painful, peaceful….life-changing. What is Vipassana? It is the original teaching and gift of Buddha to see and feel things the way they are- help eradicate misery and develop more love and compassion. It’s for any one, from any religion, from any background.

This 10 day meditation camp/course consists of:
- Waking up at 4am and meditate throughout the day til 9pm (of course, with breaks and meals in between)
- Working in solitude though you’re surrounded by others
- No talking, no cell phone, no internet, no music, no writing- NO DISTRACTIONS besides your own mind
- You are served fresh, delicious vegetarian meals every day
- You live in a modest environment
- It is a donation based course (you can offer to donate for the next students and/or volunteer)

The concept is that misery is a part of life. But when we react to our emotions, it brings more misery to us and those around us. Simply put: When an event happens, our mind interprets it and emotions come up and surface as sensations in our body. If we are able to notice these sensations as they arise and just observe them, not letting them manifest into a verbal or physical response, then we can hold equanimity = peace.

And what better way to believe in something, than to actually experience it in our own body as the ultimate truth, rather than what we were taught is in a book, a teaching or because someone said so.

What led me here?
Beginning of this summer, I had a conversation with my soul sister, Vaishaili, about wanting to slow down in life and taking this summer to focus on my spiritual path- to be more conscious of my actions before and after. She said to me, “I know the perfect thing for you and it won’t cost you any money.” Who knew that what she was about to suggest to me would send me on a deep diving journey and would become a life-changer for me.

What I gained for Vipassana?
- There’s a lot things I can go without or less of (meat, luxuries, dinner, beauty products)
- How I am responsible for my own life, misery, refuge and not to seek that in others to save me
- How my childhood has impacted my behaviors as an adult, but it doesn’t have to be the master of me
- How having compassion for my exs gave me even more peace
- How important motherhood is to me. I had a lot of images of me being a mother
- How technology, email and modern life is such a distraction
- How without those distractions, I had the biggest surge of pure creativity
- My roomie, now wonderful new friend, Jacqueline, and I are planning to serve & volunteer somewhere in the world

My favorite parts of this journey:
- At 7am, after meditating and a great breakfast, I would take a stroll in the wonderful cool desert.
- Before the evening meditation, getting to see the sun set in the desert. So many brilliant colors in the sky.
- The awesome fresh, healthy vegetarian meals that were served. The healthiest meals of my life.
- Image of future me meditating, wrapping my arms around my belly. I was 8 months pregnant and my baby was smiling contently in the womb.

Best Practical tips for First Timers (esp for the ladies going to Joshua Tree):
- When you’re doing the group meditation for an hour and your body is getting tense (your stomach is growling or your digestive system is making noises)…Don’t fight it. Let your body work itself out and make it’s sounds. Everyone’s stomach is going off. It’s a freakin’ orchestra in the meditation room.

- If you have to share a bathroom with others, don’t be embarrassed about poo-ing. It’s natural. Just be courteous and get this

- Bring sunscreen (esp if you’re at Joshua Tree)

- Bring shampoo and conditioner. This may seem like a no-brainer, but I wanted to be minimal and use my organic face wash for my body and hair too (just like Dr.Brommers soap). Wrong. It dried out my hair, made it oily and I’m sure half of my hair fell out.

- No shoes required- all you need is a pair of flip flops. Be comfortable. You’ll be taking your shoes off all the time anyways.

- Don’t bring make-up. Waking up at 4am, you’ll be miserable enough not to care. No one else does. Plus men and women are separated, so there’s no need to impress

- Bring light colored comfortable clothes. No one cares that you wear your pajama pants to group meditation. In fact, I loved it because it was soo comfortable.

- Though there are gong bells to let you know when meditation starts, you should bring your own alarm clock or borrow from the center.

- On the Day 4 is when you really start Vipassana – meditation where you can’t move at all. Also, the schedule of the day changes a little bit for this day.

- SURRENDER. Don’t fight any sensations or thoughts. Just let go and surrender yourself to the process. You’ll gain a lot from it.

What gifts and lessons have you gained from vulnerability?

We often times lose ourselves in a relationship, or a job or a phase in our lives, losing the feeling of our feet on firm ground.

Do you wonder why you overcompensate?
Need the approval of others to be your own stamp of approval?
Catching moments where you’re asking yourself “Am I enough?”

Well, today I was able to connect with my inner goddess and she said “You are MORE than enough”. I wanted to share this with you and remember this in times when you are in self-doubt, in pain or feel catching yourself taking all the blame….be kind to yourself, heal and remember that

YOU ARE MORE THAN ENOUGH.

Here’s the first episode of Review Wednesdae, where I review dating sites, products, books or services. In this episode, I review my two favorite things: OkCupid.com and the book, Essential Spirituality by Roger Walsh.

What do you think of OkCupid.com? Your thoughts on Essential Spirituality?

Paul is a dating coach on the East Coast, focusing on building the relationship between men & women through genuine connection. I like his philosophy in helping people and might be doing another fun interview soon.

Let me know what you think of the juicy advice we talked about and what questions you’d like us to answer next time.

How would the world be with more of your kindness? Let me know what you think of the video!