Vanae: Your Relationship Guide

Many of you have been asking me about intimacy. How do I talk sexy? How should I…? How do I get my girlfriend to…?

What I like about hanging out with my friend, Noah, is that our openness and lack of taboo topics = super interesting conversations. When we talked about what one shouldn’t say during intimacy…he shared this hilarious flow-chart. I thought you’d get a kick out of this:

What NOT to say during sex

Click to enlarge http://www.comicvsaudience.net/images/flow_sex.jpg

What would you add this chart?

Vanae’s album of the week: The Firefly by The Frail. My friend, Daniel, is the singer of this uber-cool band from SF. Definitely one of my top SF bands and it’s for good reason! Fun electro music that is delicate yet so funky that it makes you dance in your underpants. Yes, I like to rhyme sometimes. Take a listen to their FireFly EP Sampler on their myspace and get their tracks so you’ll be dancing in your undies as well! http://www.myspace.com/thefrailsf Perhaps you’ll be moving to their music, as you make your sexy moves tonight.

You know…that song that makes you feel so sexy when you’re listening to it. Your body can’t help but move to the beat…gives you that tingle. A song that may not be sexy or romantic to others, but to you…it’s total SEX. Below are videos of my sexy-tune It’s Not Over Yet…specifically the covers by The Klaxons and also Goldfrapp. Same song. Two hot covers. What’s your sexy-tune?

I receive a decent amount of emails and voice messages from teenagers/young adults who deal with low self-esteem and/or depression. Many due to classmates judging them and not being able to communicate with family so they feel like outcasts. I try to help these young people tackle root problems and have faith in people again. In all of this, it makes me think about my own high school years and the challenges of growing up.

See, I grew up in San Jose, a community of transitioning and assimilating first born Vietnamese Americans. Every topic was taboo, especially sex. So as you can imagine, being among the first of my friends to be sexually active, I didn’t have too many people to turn to for answers. I definitely couldn’t talk to my parents. So there I was at the age of sixteen, doing my own research and opening up dialogue with my high school friends.

This was the start of when I became passionate about sexual health awareness, communication, sexuality, and dating advice. I was always an open book and some high school peers would place judgment on my openness. I didn’t let it bother me, as I rised above it. Today, I run a non-profit organization to save young minds from being left in the dark about sexual health and empower them for leadership in social change.

Going through high school may be the toughest times for people. You’re going through puberty. You get heartbroken by your crushes. You get pressured to keep up good grades and have to deal with your parents. For me (and I imagine it would be the same for many Vietnamese Americans), there’s an added layer of cultural identity (american vs. vietnamese values). But high school isn’t the only tough phase we go through in life. Hard times come and go as we get older, but this is how we learn and become better people. But no matter what, you should not project negativity or be quick to judge. Yes, our views and thoughts will always change as we grow. And though you may regret what you did…you can’t take it back and the harm has been done. Sometimes, it may create deeper scars than you know. So be mindful before you place a judgment.

What were the obstacles you dealt with growing up?

Vanae’s tip of the dae: One person can make the biggest impact in the world. Whether positive or negative..you make that choice!

Vanae’s album of the week: The Day I Turn To Glass by Honeycut. This magnificent and soulful SF band is under Quannum Projects! This album has been on repeat in my car for the last week! Not only are they are fantastic musicians, but they’re good guys too. I got to know them when they played at my Rock for AIDS Awareness concert in 2007. You can purchase this great album here:

You never know what you have in common with someone until you open up. Last night, I called back one my v’stars (subscribers) because he wanted some advice. In the course of our conversation, I found out that we both related on something deep: our loss of a father and brother.

Had he not reached out to me, i would never discovered this. Many people don’t know about my loss. Those who do, are surprised because I’m an optimistic person and wouldn’t think I have tough times. But everyone has their pains and obstacles. I did and do. I accepted the pain. I chose to not let that control my life. I chose to LIVE LIFE FOR THEM. You might not be able to stop bad things from happening to you, but you always have to choice on how to deal with it. Open up.

It was the first time that I met someone I could relate to about my dad and brother. It was a rush of emotions and IT FELT GREAT. We had an hour conversation about reading, the challenges and the current journey dealing with loss. As much as he thought I helped him, he also helped me.

What I’ve learned about getting closer to closure:

1. Don’t keep things bottled up
If you do, it’ll explode just like a volcano. Open to someone, whether it be a close one, a professional (therapist) or me. You’ll feel a substanial release and learn more about yourself

2. Express
Document what you are going through by writing or drawing. Write down your thoughts every day, so that you can reflect back and see your changes. Be proud of how you’ve progressed. If you’re more of a visual person, then draw!

3. Accept the pain and loss
Whether it’s a death or a break-up, dealing with loss is a process: accepting, dealing, awareness, open, and being positive

Vanae’s tip of the dae: - Reach out and open up about your deepest thoughts and sorrow, you’ll never know how someone can connect with you. This will help provide closure for you.

How did you deal with loss? Who did you open up to?

Vanae’s album of the week: Timeless by Sergio Mendes
You can check it out here:

Sergio Mendes is one of the classics of bossa nova (Brazilian Samba Jazz). This album is a fabulous modern hip hop twist to bossa nova classics! It’s great music to boost up your mood, feel appreciative or to contemplate to.