Q. Hey Vanae, my ex girlfriend invited me to her bday party at a club/lounge. We’ve been broken up for about 3 months now but i don’t think im ready to see her with another guy. She claims she’s doesn’t have a new man or no one speical “yet”, but yet she’s staying at another guy’s house.
Should i even bother going? i’m normally not the jealous type, but this just rubs me the wrong way. I still care about her and i want us to be friend but at the same time i wish she never invited me. What should i do?
The Ex
A. Dear The Ex,
Why torture yourself? If you know you’re not over your ex yet, don’t put yourself in the situation where you might get sour. Be honest with yourself if you just want to be friends or if the possibility of getting back is still brewing in your mind. If you want to remain friends…I’d suggest not going to her bday party, or even see her (for that matter), until you’re completely ready to be platonic.
Staying on good terms with your ex is something most people want to do. But if you’re not ready, then you’re not ready.
How to decline: You can tell her that you can hang out down the road, but now is not the best time. She can wonder all she wants what this means (do you have another girl, are you not ready..etc), but it’s clear that you don’t want to hang out now.
Q. I recently became good friends with this girl…we have common interests, get along great, and have same outlook in almost everything in life. I like her a lot but she has a bf for 5yrs. Her bf has recently cheated on her with another girl. so this girl i like, slept with me. This is happening frequently now between us. I like her alot, she knows how i feel about her, but i want something more than just a booty-call. What should i do?
Booty Call
A. Dear Booty-call,
Sticky, sticky situation, ay?! What to do about this chick, who’s cheating on her cheating bf with you? Sounds like that girl is taking revenge on her bf by hooking up with you. This, my dear, is what I call a cross-fire. Not sure of what she’s really doing…You’re caught in the middle and it’s not a good place to be.
First of all, you are helping her cheat. Again, you are the OTHER MAN helping her cheat!
Second, it’s challenging moving from bootycall to a serious relationship, let alone that person suffering from being cheated on.
What you should do?
Tell her exactly what you want! You’ll know her true intentions and what she wants from her response. If she’s not on the same page…GET OUT OF THERE. As if your house was burning down! Save yourself because if you stay, you’ll just be a sideline guy who just got burnt BIG TIME!
V’stars, what do you think? What would you do?
Vanae’s tip of the dae: Be honest with yourself in what you want and tell the other person. Don’t be afraid to bring it up to the other person, because if they felt the same, they’ll want it too. If they don’t..Fuck ‘em. Your time is better spent, playing pool or spending time with someone who does feel the same! You deserve to be with someone who deserves to be with you.
Q. I am in this situation now where me and ex, we broke up months ago, but the thing is, though we broken up, she do not want to lose me, therefore she came out with this thing called – No string attached relationship’. What it does, we behave like couple but there isn’t any title whatsoever..We are just close friends. Now I am in this dilemma, where I do love her still and she does love (I think), I want to move on, but yet I am afraid if I did, and she later she decides to come back to me? What can I do?
Confused
A. Dear Confused,
I’m sorry to say my dear, but despite that fact she doesn’t want strings attached…she’s stringing you along! Follow your gut feeling. If you want to move on, then let go. Often times, we get scared to let go because of the unknown.
The unknown if we’ll get back with our ex.
The unknown if we’ll find love again.
The unknown where this new path will take us.
But you have the power to transform this exciting unknown into your own path and ultimately your destination. The new path will lead you where you need to be. Absolutely take this opportunity to think about what is good for you…let go and start walking.
By the way, EX are titled EX for a reason: They need to be X-ed out of your current romantic life. Don’t get caught up if it’ll hurt your ex’s feelings, because no matter what, everyone’s hurt a little in the beginning. Then you’ll get over it and move on with your life, as you did from previous relationships.
Vanae’s tip of the Dae: Don’t let anyone string you along. Ask yourself of what is good for you and head in that direction. Your heart will thank you for the liberation!
V’stars, what do you think? Have you been in this situation? What was the outcome?
Q. i was wondering if you could tell me if my ex boyfriend might want to get back together…he has a new girlfriend already.. and he tells her he “loves her” in myspace comments…
but him & i just recently started talking again and he was being really flirty and wanted to start texting me again.
so i’m confused.
Texted
A. Dear Texted,
Sorry hunny, your ex is trying to have his cake and eat it too! First of all, your ex has moved on…so how come you haven’t? The last thing you want to be is the sideline girl and get heartbroken all over again. Having him in your life is clouding you from seeing clearly of what he is doing to you? Don’t allow him to do that.
Think about..how you want to be treated and what ideal qualities you’re looking for.
Be good to yourself girl and don’t put up with shit like this.
Realize your self-worth and respect yourself, by cutting all ties.
Because the longer you have him in your life..the more clouded you’ll be and might not see a good guy even if he comes by!
You deserve the best…hell, you deserve CAKE …so move forward so you can get some!
Q. For as long as i can remember, i have always had this natural instinct to want to help others no matter what degree of troubles they may have…What i’m trying to say is that i’ve fallen victim to my own heroism and not really establishing myself as friend from not-friend i guess.
My friend is one of the sweetest girls you’ll ever meet and has a heart of such great compassion for others. My story is pretty much, she’s the stereotypical beautiful girl next door (not literally) with all the troubles in the world on her shoulders and you cant help but want to do something about it.
i already know its not meant to be but i cant help but want to save her.
Hero
A. Dear Hero,
You have, what I call the ‘hero complex‘. The constant urge to fix ‘beautiful yet broken individuals’ to save them. People do this to validate their value to others, but mostly, to themselves. But often times can’t distinguish love versus with the compulsion to fix.
So you’re saving all these females, but let me ask you… Who’s saving you? The answer should be …YOURSELF.
I understand.
You feel that you’re genuinely helping -or- it’s a good challenge to conquer.
When I was in high school, I use to attract these lost souls and wanted to help them see the light. They end up as ‘projects’…with the goal to fix and save. But trust me, I didn’t end up with love…just a lot of heart-ache.
See, THAT was the HERO COMPLEX, which is finding value in helping others, in the expense of sacrificing your own well being. I realized that people don’t need to be saved, because that’s just short-term. People need friendship and mentorship to guide them in the right direction. So this means, you don’t have to date these kind of individuals. So, is it worth your time to be friends? Be true to yourself of your intentions.
REMEMBER THESE POINTS:
- Save yourself, before saving others
- If you’re not grounded and you fix others, you have the ‘hero complex’
- You want to fall in love with people for the right reasons (you truly love them) not because you want to fix them
The TRUE question is…How do you define your value…to yourself?
Vanae’s tip of the dae: You won’t find self-worth and value in others. It’s within
YOU.
I broke up with my ex about over a year now. It took me awhile to get over her, which got me really stressed out and depressed but through the help of my friends I was able to let things go. Back in February I got an email from my ex…she asked me if I ever tried calling her and I just replied by saying No. But ever since then I’ve been having dreams about her and in those dreams her and I get back together. Am I having those dreams because that’s what I want to happened or is it some other reason?
Dreamer
A. Dear Dreamer,
Remember your dream of that fried twinkie that did jumping jacks…then morphed into your mom? I’m kidding, but you know…dreams can be random. Dreams don’t mean anything, unless you apply meaning to them. It’s like that time that two my exs had opposite dreams of me. It doesn’t mean that one of my exs wants to kill me and the other wants to get back with me.
Dreams may reflect your sub-conscious, but you’ll never be sure since it’s your sub-conscious. Instead, focus on the present- your reality. The real question is “What do you want?”. You have the power to make your choice and any other decisions. And it sounds like you’re doing a good job of moving forward, so:
1. Stick to what is healthy for you.
2. Follow your gut feeling.
3. Consciously make your choice.
V’stars, have you ever dreamt of your ex? What did you make of it?
Should i get tested for STD and all that other good stuff even if my boyfriend and i are out first lovers? We both practice monogamy btw =)
-S
A. Really happy to hear that you guys are practicing monogamy! I always think it’s a good idea to get tested for STIs (formerly STDs) and HIV to know you’re starting on clean slate. Along with the STI/HIV tests, during the routine check-up, it’s the other body parts that you should exam too. For the ladies, it’s important to get your breasts examined for any early signs for Breast Cancer & PAP smears (click here to find why it’s important). For the fellas, you should get your prostate exam.
The procedure for all of this doesn’t take long, doesn’t hurt, and doesn’t have too cost much. Plus you have the support of your boyfriend to go with you. Trust me, getting tested with your partner and knowing your status will make two closer.
V’stars, how was your experience getting tested for any of these exams?
