she looked at me with her big brown eyes and said “$185″. my heart..sank!
“what?!”, i replied.
earlier this afternoon, i went to the city hall to turn in my signed fix-it citation and payment. instead of accepting my $10 payment, the cashier corrected me saying i owe $185 (because of overdue charges). there was no way around it. i had to pay…and i did.
photo by PIEZ
i left the city hall feeling bitter, for sure. i mean $185 could have saved 36 starvings kids in africa (well, not really, but you know what i mean). after 3 minutes, i said to myself “ok, i can choose to be bitter and let it ruin my day OR i can take this lesson learned (about procrastinating) and move on!”. so i decided on the latter. instantly, i felt better.
i’m sharing this story because bitterness and choice applies to many situations in life, especially after a break-up! at the end of a relationship, you can be bitter and wallow in it OR accept it, learn and move on. every person enters your life for a reason and when your time together is up, appreciate what you shared. don’t let bitterness taint the good memories and experiences you’ve gained. remember, it’s always a choice!
well, at least leaving a relationship can leave you with good memories whereas paid parking tickets just leave you with a lighter wallet. ha!
how to overcome bitterness after a relationship:
1) don’t take it personally
it’s not you. it’s not him/her. most relationships have an expiration and it ends when its suppose to. most of the people you’ll date…won’t be THE ONE. and along the way, you’ll make mistakes, have great experiences, feel all the emotions and grow. remember, it’s the journey, not the destination.
2) it’s not the end of the world!
in fact, it’s just the beginning! there’s plenty of wonderful people are out there, who you’re going to meet! the experience will get better and better and richer along the way.
3) be optimistic!
think of the positive things you’ve gained from the relationship and move on. the faster you move on, the more your heart will open for a better match and new friends.
4) move on and be civil
after you move on and heal, but sure to loop back later on make sure you’re on good terms with your ex. trust me, it feels great to be on neutral or positive terms with your exs.
when was the last time you were bitter? how did you over come it?
City hall assh#$s, I freaking hate em. I am not Bitter … I am not bitter… I am not bitter
“Chi kiu” . . . Chinese for eat bitter. Learn from living.
haha well you know I just came back from africa this summer from feeding widows and orphans and you will be SUPRISED how much you can do with a little amount of money…
Hmmm WEll since you asked..
I graduated already a while ago, but recently ive decided that I want to change a direction and pursue a professional school. So Im have been intensely preparing for an exam (its tomorrow by the way! ha!)
anyways… So i started going to this new library in the milddle of town. One thing i immediately realized was that there were SO many korean high school kids… who were kind of obnoxious and loud. It was bearable studying there as long I studied with ear plugs.
Over time, I started feeling that the librarians were giving me dirty looks here and there, and I just decided that I was parnoid.
This one day, while i was studying, this old librarian runs up to my table and pushes it 2 feet away from me, saying that she had to get by, and my table was in the way. I was confused but i proceeded to adjust my chair, and she says “SOME PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY USE THIS LIBRARY FOR WHAT ITS FOR HAVE TO GET BY, INSTEAD OF IT BEING A STUDY HALL FOR YOU PEOPLE!” I was really shocked…. I asked her what she was talking about? Why she was being so condesending and what she meant by “you people” She said “YOu know what I mean.”
Ive had a blessed life, I havent really dealt with racism before, so i guess this situation just caught me totally off guard, i was just a deer in headlights.
She came around and.. I said… “im not in high school, Ive never had a study session here, what did i do wrong? she couldn’t answer me and just walked away.”
I dont know.. but after that incident I just really couldnt stay there.. I was on the second floor.. and just went downstairs to gather myself.
I was sitting there.. thinking about all the things I could do. I could get her in alot of trouble…I know that there was no reason for her to say any of those things about me.. I have always studied alone, and Ive always been quiet. I mean i tried thinking about things from her perspective.. and I could see how she could be angry and “asian kids,” for all fustration that they caused her. But.. still that didnt make me feel any better…she still didnt have any right to treat me the way she did. She only picked me out of a crowd bc I was asain.
Then I just stopped. I started thinking about America and all that it stands for. Maybe its bc ive gotten older.. but ive started seeing more of a polarization with people groups. And Its more and more understandable now. After that moment I wanted to be so angry at all “white ladies.” Ive never had thoughts like that before.. but at that moment I wanted to be SO ANGRY and White women.. but I knew logically that all white women were not the same way.
I see how there is so much hate in america. Between people groups, between cultures… even just within relationships…
and I started to see… that hurt begats hurt.. it just passes it on and on and on….
and only love begats love…
I can take all of this…and hate white women for the rest of my life.. but decided to choose to love her.
If i could see her again.. I would say… I forgive you for the nasty things you said to me.. but what you said is wrong, and im sorry that you have so much hate in you.
Forgiving her.. even freed my heart to love.
There are times when im really tired, and i remmeber the situation and I get realy Angry..but then I have to catch myself.. and remind myself that I choose to love.
If i choose to pass on the hatered that she passed on to me.. it was just eventually hurt somebody else.. and the cylce wouldnt end.
choose to end the cycle. Love is A choice.
Bitterness just is a cancer that eats away at your soul.. you can be all you want on the outside.. but who you are begins to degrade until you are numb to feel and love honestly.
allen–
Nice post. Thanks for sharing your experience. Thanks for your work in Africa. And thanks for realizing that not all people from a certain group are the same . . . that’s a lesson that bears repeating.
Good luck with that exam tomorrow.
hey allen, it was lovely to read your story. raising above negative moments and opening your heart…that’s where it’s at. and i’m so glad you shared that with us.
=)
how long were you in africa? i’m planning to travel there in 2010. would love to hear your stories.
vanae
tom, thanks for adding support and community feel.
=)
vanae
Ya know, I had something to say until I read that story. Now I can’t remember what I was going to say. But, that’s okay.
The fact that it’s all a choice, though, is something I can get behind. And I’m glad you were able to make the correct choice there Allen. Forgiveness is the key to opening your heart to love.
Choose love, choose life. I like it put that way.
I was in Nigeria this past august for a little less then three weeks. Im afraid I cant sum up the whole experience in a few sentences.. over all I was not expecting to see what I did. I wish I could put pictures up!
I think the first impression that I got after a few days of traveling from Lagos, to a couple of hour away small villages in Africa.. was that I realized as a culture how Self-absorbed we are… Can I say that here with out being stoned? As a people.. I have to be the first to admit.. in america we only seem to care about ourself.. I only seem to care about myself. The truth is… the poorest homeless man on the side of the street is much much more wealthy then the africans… but you know what in america.. Its about US.. its about self pleasure.. its about making me happy… all about me me me..
it seems to even carry into relationships(in america) shown ex.. in the high divorce rate… we dont choose love.. (love being a commitment until death do us part…) Love is not just lovely dovey feelings that you get and make YOU feel good..(where is about SELFISHLY HOW YOU FEEL) but love is DEEP wholesome DIE For you COMMITMENT… Ill lay my life down for you…(it doesnt matter about me.. as long as what is best for you! sacrifice) thats true love… but anyways sorry im getting passionate about that subject…hahaa… let me get back to my topic…
so africa.. hahaa When you go there.. Even though in america.. as a culture we may be trained to “get ours” to live for ourself.. self pleasure.. me me me.. in africa.. where I went.. i just saw so much need. Kids not having any shoes… walking around barefoot on the stones and glass… babies… starving… having ulcers… skin diseases all over..
I remember an incident where we passed out rice and Yams to widows… we also passed out simple made tissue paper flowers… and you know what happened? we started a riot! women were clawing each other.. fighting each other to get one of those flowers!! Can you beleive that?! if you didnt understand you woudl think… OH THESE peopel act like ANIMALS! but.. you dont understand… these poor people are so starved… have no hope and nothing at all… that flower is hope to them… can you see their situation?
so although I am deeply self absorbed and selfish… in that situation.. I was TORN and RIpped out of who I was.. that selfish part of me.. to see HOW MUCH NEED there IS, and HOW BROKEN People are.. and that even though I DONT Have much.. I can DO SO MUCH to HELP these people…
I was thinking… and in my mind, i got this Vision of… a battle field…( imagine a movie scene of a war) And peopeles guts were falling out here and there.. but you know what? if you just push their guts back in.. they live… will you do it!?
?! OF COURSE I WILL.. bc LIVES WILL BE SAVED! So.. if i fall and trip.. its ok… So i get a cut.. oh well.. EVEN IF I GET SHOT… or even if I DIE.. you know.. IT will ALL BE WORTH It.. bc You know HOW MANY LIVES woudl be saved? and THEY were worth it…
so in that vision.. i got the impression.. that It really wasnt bc I was special or anything.. but I had the privilidge to make a difference.. and it was such a blessing. IT frees your soul.. to be compassionate.. and Not self absorbed and self focused…
that was just the first few days of my reflections on the trip…… Before that.. I felt that I had no right to serve these people.. bc My heart was to selfish.. and the world was revolved around me.. After that realization… Thats when things beginning to happen and I was able to give my heart to children and widows completely and.. i feel then to make a true difference…
I could go on and on… but we cant have that here.hahhaa so ill just leave you guys with one of my favorite moments….that I will treasure with me forever… from Africa
I was doing a skit, and then playing guitar with all of the children… so in africa there are just hundreds of children that just gather around you.. esp where we were… (there was one day when I did some wushu kungfu, and so many young adults came out to see jet li kungfu! hahah)
so after singing with all these children.. and doing it day after day.. it was starting to wear on me.. i was wondering if anything i was doing was going to make a difference…
i was walking out back to my van to get picked up.. and this lady told me that her son was deaf. I was not sure if he was one of the hundreds of children that were in the crowd.. but even if he was.. he couldnt have heard me… In this deaf boy.. all you could see was a stone face… he was leaning with his arm wrapped against a tree…well she told the leader i was with to pray for him.. and they also asked me to pray for him… even though I felt just as helpless.. I just prayed in faith… I cried out.. to Jesus Christ… regardless if GOD was ever real or not to me.. he HAS to be REAL to THIS BOY… This orphan. What else does he have a chance in this world? and How can I be dealt with a hand at life that is SO fourtunate and him not have parents and hearing? even though I felt like I was helpless to do anything… I cried out with all I had and prayed aloud… and then I had to leave…
running back to my van i realized that we had to hurry to leave… And I just realized that… even though I prayed at the top of my lungs for this boy… he couldnt hear me.. its just dawned on me…
AS the van was pulling away.. I was sitting next to the window.. I see a child banging on my side of the window.. He just kept on hitting the window to get my attention…
and as I saw him.. i recognized the deaf boy.. except this time He had tears streaming down his face.. and he had the bigeeest smile I had ever seen and even as my van was slowly pulling away he followed as far as he could.. and gave me a look like…..like.. Ah!! I just CANT EXPLAIN IT!!! I saw into his EYES and I could almost see his SPIRIT aLIVE!!! If to SAY THANK YOU!! The people in my van didnt know hwat was going on… but as tears streamed down my face… all I could go was press my hand against the window against his… and say that GOD LOVES YOU!! GOD LOVES YOU SOO MUCH SOO MUCH MORE THEN YOU CAN IMAGAINE!!!
That was one of my fav moments.. where All I could concluded..that there God allowed me to cry out to him..and His spirit touched his spirit… the spirit of a orphan deaf boy…and gave him hope and joy
Weird eh? but amazingly cool ! hahhaa so thats just some of my highlights from A f r i c a
Thanks for allowing me to share!
Hi Vanae, very good advice!
“1) don’t take it personally”
I think however that this point may be, although quite valid in many respects, unfinished. I believe that it is always personal. I mean, how can it be any other way? I, and the lady, put ourselves, our person, into the relationship. When it ends, regardless of the way it ends, was based from she and I and who we are/were.
If we have done our best and gave what we had to give, yes, we should realize this and continue on based from what you said. If we screwed up and blew the relationship, we should try to fix the things we did wrong on our part. Yet, both I believe are still personal.
Great post!
Hi Allen,
(apologies to Vanae for using her blog to reach out to Allen …)
Thanks for sharing your experiences in Nigeria. I’m just curious to ask about whether, for the approximately 3 weeks you were in villages, did you get to see any relief organizations such the U.N., Red Cross, Oxfam (NGOs etc.) hand out medicines, food and other rations?
I believe that the situation is perhaps even more dire in places like Somalia where its too dangerous for relief organization to go in to help.
Thanks.
hey RR & tom, i love it when you guys have dialogue. esp if you’re using this channel to communicate, go for it!
=)
vanae