Hey Vanae,

You were spot on in this topic!

I personally thinks a lot (Most of them I couldn’t help it) and I still do from time to time…

Your advises are what I am trying to do now to distract myself from these unnecessary thoughts and they do work!

Hope this will help the rest who are in the same plight as me

\m/

Huh, yep, that’s exactly what I needed to read right about now. Easier to do than I’d initially thought it would be.

Hi Vanae,

This advice is sound, and in my opinion correct. I think the problem for so many is the HOW to your 4 points. It’s kind of like when our friend is going through a bad break-up and we give him/her the advice that we can clearly see to be correct, but yet we can’t quite see this advice as clearly when we are the ones having a bad break-up.

Over thinking, stress, anxiety is many times inter-related and clouds our judgments, especially about ourselves.

“When was the last time you were overthinking? How did you get over it?”

Oh, where do I begin? Well, I’ll keep a very long lasting and complicated story short.
I was told recently that a certain lady had an interest in me. I also saw a possible connection. We went out a few times and related this experience to a male and female friend.
I got all kinds of advice on how I should act, say things, in essence how I should be when around her. (Now mind you, I’m not a player), but these two friends are and have a great deal of dating experience.

Wait a day or two to call her back…
Give her the impression that you are busy at times…
Let her see that other ladies have an interest in you…
etc.

Well, I became overwhelmed and started over thinking the situation. It was, or I should say became, a negative experience for me. I decided that I am who I am and I’m not into games or rules. I decided that I’m going to be ME and if this lady, or any lady doesn’t accept that, then that’s fine, but it gave me a sense of relief and made me realize that I was over thinking and adding unwanted stress to my life.

I like who I am and how I treat people. There’s no reason to over think that at all-just accept it.

Sorry for the long post, but trust me, it could have been novel size

Hummm, last time I overthought, and how to stop? Let me think about that and I’ll get back to you.

A perfect message for a girl who is sitting here–overthinking! Thanks Vanae!

ROFL So true… LoL I stayed at a friends house this past weekend and at some point ended up at the mall looking for a sweater… By the time I **finally** picked “the rigth one”, I called her and she was already at the apple orchard… Ohhh how sad, i missed such an amazing day cause of being indecisive

“Shopping is a disease!”

Great work V!

xgrind,
keep on truckin’ on!

vanae

peter,
glad to hear that it’s easier. it’s all a mind switch. =)

V

bobby,
you’re right. it’s rarely ever a certain formula that will work with people. i’m glad you came to the realization to be true to yourself.

cheers,
vanae

suz,
what’s up girl! glad you’re following along.
tomorrow’s halloween!!! plans?

vanae

brian,
thanks for taking the time to read it. this article is partially dedicated to you

ha
V

hey locus,
yes! indecisiveness is always a killer
=)
happy friday!

My name is Chris and I’ve been looking at some of your blogs/video posts on YouTube.com. I’m just curious what is your education history? You have said that you work Pro Bono in San Francisco Bay. What makes you qualified to give out advice, such as the YouTube videos, on sex, relationships, dating, break-ups, etcetera? I think everybody, including myself, has some right to know, correct?

Hey V, yeah thanks for all that advice about self-confidence. It makes a lot of sense. I’m a quiet person myself anyway and don’t really ever branch out to others unless I’m trying to help them with a problem. I tend to put others ahead of myself a lot. I think maybe to the point that I devalue myself as a person for the slightest mistake. Have you ever had moments like that early on where you were depressed and then said, “Hold up! I’m not taking this anymore. I know I messed up, but that’s gonna happen anyway. I gotta make the most of my time and energy while I exist on this planet!” Was there a moment where you said that to yourself maybe in high school or middle school that motivated you to set up the site and stuff? Just wondering cuz what you are doing is a very loving and giving thing I will definitely say that. I really appreciate that because you saying, I’m gonna reach out to others who felt depressed and tell them what has helped me overcome my flaws and feel better about myself and tell myself I am beautiful. Well you keep up the effort, Vanae! Peace girl. <3 Muah!

Love & Compassion,
Jonathan “Jono” Forbes Akerele

I’m a lot like you in that I care about others and am self-sacrificing, but the difference is you are much more self-confident than me. Still building confidence takes effort and a change in one’s thinking. Then it becomes manifest in their daily behavioral actions toward themselves and others. I read in my psychology book you gotta love yourself before you can give it to others. You can’t give someone else what you don’t have.

Some fun quirks about me:
I’m a thinker. It’s one of my main personality traits and strengths. I analyze and think about everything in my life. And, oddly, this both caused my over thinking problem and solved it. Because not only do I think about my life and what I do, but I think about my thoughts as well. So for someone that’s a thinker/analyzer, they should eventually end up in the cycle that I find myself in. I start over thinking, notice my thought patterns, and change them. This happens often, but when you know how to deal with it, it’s not too bad.

Now, I made a decision last year to stay single until new years this year. I made this decision after realizing that I needed to straighten myself out so that I don’t screw up another girl’s life. In the past year, I’ve found myself attracted to a number of girls but didn’t do anything with it because of my vow. Then I met a girl and we became fast friends. And the more we hung out, the more it developed (as I’m sure we all realize would happen.) Then one night I was sitting in my room thinking about how I didn’t know if I was breaking my vow or not. That told me I needed to back WAY off. So I told her this and she got all broken up about it.

So, after we agreed to just cut ties completely, I started wondering if I did the right thing. Could I have done it a different way to not hurt her so badly? Should I have just stayed in it and rode it out? And a whole bunch of other shoulda, coulda, wouldas. Then, when I realized I was going in circles, I went back to the very beginning. My vow. I made a vow to myself, my accountability group, and God. I had to keep it. So that’s one of my stories. I haven’t had to deal with that issue in my head since.

Kinda long, but I’m hoping it can help someone out.

Hey V,

Thanks for such an insightful and practical post. This is the very topic I was discussing with my best friend yesterday about my gf. I was totally overthinking about how me and her can possibly break up b/c of a conversation about marriage. I really didn’t know what to say when my girl asked me about my viewpoint about marriage, I just froze. I am not very experienced with dating and in many ways I am still naive even though I’m 25. I asked my best friend for some tips on how to overcome these overthinking thoughts and he told me that I am trippin’. He told me just let it be and speak my mind and not to think so much. I am currently doing that and it’s working, my gf feels so much more comfortable talking to me about anything now….

Thank you!

btw you’re hot! lol

Bingo! These are the answers that I’ve been looking for! I have been doing the total opposite! I didn’t have the confidence to be independent. I became a burden to her because I tied myself around her neck, suffocating her every second of the day. Now we’re undergoing reconstruction, having a fresh start. This should help me and her get through. Why didn’t I think of all these? LOL Thank you very much for sharing your insight!

It cost me a lot but today i´m free to move on

Thanks

P.S. After see your site i guess isn´t easy to know you and move on.

My Friend convinced me to buy a book “The Power of Now” but i never read it (I passed it on to someone else ha!). This book provided him with great advice in how t ostop negative thoughts and almost stop thinking all together. He assures me it is hard but he has enevr been in a better place then when he was successful. Personally, i live entirely in my head which means m good moods are great but my bad moods are terrible.

Myself, I’d agree with 2 and 3. There are some possible problems with the others. A suggestion I might add is that there is a timeline for certain overthinking events. And the last one would be fine after a breakup. I think the first one works too after a breakup, but I think there are reasonable compromises one must make when in a long term relationship. A short term relationship might allow for one to think only upon ones own inclinations, but in a union it could be dangerous. I think the independence movement has been one that created problems for the concept of marriage, and marriage being important for stability and productivity in a society.. I think compromising co-dependence might be a better view? What’s your take?

“You are to worried by what what’s and what ifs.
there is a saying:
Yesterday is history, tommorrow’s a mystery, but today is a gift… that is why it’s called the present.”
(Master Ugay, Kung fu Panda)

“Never take things to seriously and you will always be at ease.” (Iron Monkey)

Hi Vanae! like what you done with the blog!
keep up your trainning for the Leukemia run

Haa glad i saw this, I was just talking about this my friend over dinner. This’ll help. Gracias!
Live it, Do it, Believe in it.

omg… ur like a goddess to mee lol
ty so much!

Hi Vanea,
the last time i have stoped myself to start overthinking was some minutes ago when I came from NLP-videos and saw you on youtube. I have stoped me with the thought “Dont even think about writing her the 10098 lovemail” I went on now I finish this comment and go salsa. But if you ever pass by in Germany or Angola send me a mail…please.

Take care
Mangole

p.s.: If you come to Angola I´ll keep the best fresh mango from the market… )

I have another way to stop overfocusing.
I’ve done a looooot of reading on “self-improvement” and basicly just how people work.
In a community i’m in this is called overfocusing (not overthinking – though i guess its basicly the same thing).
But a really good way to stop doing this and this just doesnt have to be with negative stuff, it can be with all kinds of things, but sometimes we just overfocus on one thing and we make decisions, the next day we wake up and we go “Oh my god? No i didnt do that? ohhh noooooooo, i said this and that, now i just feel awkward and weirded-out”.
Anyways, a good way to get rid of overfocusing and this is also a good anger-manegement “exercise” i do and A LOT of people i know do is this:

Imagine that you stand in this room (This is NLP by the way), but imagine that you’re standing in this kind’a “magical” room, how the room looks is entirely up to yourself.
But YOU stand there, focus on the “you”.
Around you are these pictures that rotates around you, these lively pictures, kind’a like films.
These “windows” show all the goals and all the things that are going on in your life.
A window of your singing career, maybe you stand on a stage at a concert.
Your family, your love life, your health, your whatever.
But its not just the goals that are evolving around you, there’s also things going on right now.
Your appointment tomorrow, your boss’ review on blah blah blah, and then theres this ONE thing, that you’re overfocusing on, weather it be your girlfriend or this guy who just talked behind your back.
But, as you see THAT window, of wich you are overfocusing on, and you then see the other windows, you then realize that, THAT picture, whatever it is that stress’ you out, you just realize that its STUPID to even let that window evolve around you in this room, because the other things you have going on in your life is of so much more value to you.
There are so many other things you have to take care of that you feel like its totally stupid and you start laughing at your self for thinking about how much of a big deal it was to you like 2 minutes ago.
And then, you just decide that THAT window, cant even be in your “room”.
This is good stress management, but the main thing about this “exercise” is to get rid of “overfocusing”.

hi vanae,
you help me alot because i didnt know wht to say to a girl to ask her out, im asking one girl to the prom tomorrow ^^

Great solid advice. I do these things everyday and it feels easy to just be me. I used to overthink what i was wearing and to impress people but when you dont over think its feels really great and you dont sweat the small stuff. Id like to say i like your website and your videos are addicting to watch! lol. see you around -alex

Thank you!! You are a genius!

thanks V ill keep that in mind even tho i think some might be hard 4 me

overthinking is my most biggest problem :[
the smallest things of what she did or didn't do.
Not even with me or what other people say.
I ask to many what what and what if questions.
but kung fu panda and this blog helped me alot
:] thanks Vanae!

Interesting blog post. What would you say was the most important factor in using NLP?

i always overthink things. i need to try to practice these tips because i think i just get scared that other people might not understand.

I am having an overthinking fit right now and your writings have not helped, only made me overthink about them and become infuriated by your stupidity!

Step 1: Terrible advice, do what you like and not what others will cause others to not like you. If you are disliked you will be alone, If you are alone you will be alone with your thoughts, if you are alone with your thoughts you will overthink! step one is, for lack of a better word, bullshit!

Step 2: release those thoughts through activities, well may I ask how? I don’t know about you but keeping my self busy doesn’t make it easier to release thoughts, maybe because I’m too fucking busy to release thoughts when i’m doing activities!

Step 3: Good job on repeating step 1.

Step 4: Just no, mediocre level has exceed it’s limit.

This is what i mean by i have been overthinking, Every damn thing has bugged me! I used to always think about sarah but now i see my self stressing for so long about some writting i saw on a bus and what it could possibly mean.

I think Derek is totally ignorant to this advice and I would like to give my thoughts on the subject.

Step 1: This is telling you to do what you want and not what others want you to do. Derek thinks people will leave you because you don’t want to do what they want. I say, if someone is willing to leave you for this reason then would you really want to be with this person, and if you get rid of these people in your life you will get rid of a source of negativity because you’re under no pressure to do things you don’t want to do. You will also find people respect you more because you are you.

Step 2: This asks you to release thoughts by doing activates you like. Derek doesn’t understand this and asks how this is possible. Well, as an aspiring artist, I like to draw and When I am drawing I am so focused I forget about everything else. After I am done, I have a fresh perspective on my thoughts and realize I was just being silly. Once these thoughts are out of my head, I can start to think about the more important things in my life.

Step 3: this seems similar to step 1, but where the first asks you to do things for yourself, this one is asking you to realize your potential. I mean just because you have the confidence to say no and do what you want, does not necessarily mean you know what you are capable of. Knowing what you can achieve will go a long way in the struggle to find happiness in ones life.

Step 4: This might be the kind of thing you here over and over but that’s only because it is true, trust is the key to a good relationship, you have to have trust in yourself to be happy, and I think the most important advice here is if someone doesn’t feel the same way move on. Think about it, if you’re chasing someone who doesn’t feel the same way you’re missing opportunities to meet someone who would if only he/she had the chance.

Right or wrong, these are just my opinions on the subject.

Oh and Derek is it not a bit childish to insult someone because you do not understand the advice they give you.

Vanae if you read this I would just like to say I love Vanea.com. It has inspired me to go for my goals in life. I also love your singing voice.

“Don’t take life too seriously; you’ll never get out alive.” ~Elbert Hubbard

Some time i over-think when i truly love a person or miss some one. But then i tell to myself that what’s mine is mine nobody can take away from me and what’s not mine i am not running for that or pretending something else. I generally live my life with this attitude.

~ SC