Vanae: Your Relationship Guide

Hey Vanae,

You were spot on in this topic!

I personally thinks a lot (Most of them I couldn’t help it) and I still do from time to time…

Your advises are what I am trying to do now to distract myself from these unnecessary thoughts and they do work!

Hope this will help the rest who are in the same plight as me

\m/

Huh, yep, that’s exactly what I needed to read right about now. Easier to do than I’d initially thought it would be.

Hi Vanae,

This advice is sound, and in my opinion correct. I think the problem for so many is the HOW to your 4 points. It’s kind of like when our friend is going through a bad break-up and we give him/her the advice that we can clearly see to be correct, but yet we can’t quite see this advice as clearly when we are the ones having a bad break-up.

Over thinking, stress, anxiety is many times inter-related and clouds our judgments, especially about ourselves.

“When was the last time you were overthinking? How did you get over it?”

Oh, where do I begin? Well, I’ll keep a very long lasting and complicated story short.
I was told recently that a certain lady had an interest in me. I also saw a possible connection. We went out a few times and related this experience to a male and female friend.
I got all kinds of advice on how I should act, say things, in essence how I should be when around her. (Now mind you, I’m not a player), but these two friends are and have a great deal of dating experience.

Wait a day or two to call her back…
Give her the impression that you are busy at times…
Let her see that other ladies have an interest in you…
etc.

Well, I became overwhelmed and started over thinking the situation. It was, or I should say became, a negative experience for me. I decided that I am who I am and I’m not into games or rules. I decided that I’m going to be ME and if this lady, or any lady doesn’t accept that, then that’s fine, but it gave me a sense of relief and made me realize that I was over thinking and adding unwanted stress to my life.

I like who I am and how I treat people. There’s no reason to over think that at all-just accept it.

Sorry for the long post, but trust me, it could have been novel size

Hummm, last time I overthought, and how to stop? Let me think about that and I’ll get back to you.

A perfect message for a girl who is sitting here–overthinking! Thanks Vanae!

ROFL So true… LoL I stayed at a friends house this past weekend and at some point ended up at the mall looking for a sweater… By the time I **finally** picked “the rigth one”, I called her and she was already at the apple orchard… Ohhh how sad, i missed such an amazing day cause of being indecisive

“Shopping is a disease!”

Great work V!

xgrind,
keep on truckin’ on!

vanae

peter,
glad to hear that it’s easier. it’s all a mind switch. =)

V

bobby,
you’re right. it’s rarely ever a certain formula that will work with people. i’m glad you came to the realization to be true to yourself.

cheers,
vanae

suz,
what’s up girl! glad you’re following along.
tomorrow’s halloween!!! plans?

vanae

brian,
thanks for taking the time to read it. this article is partially dedicated to you

ha
V

hey locus,
yes! indecisiveness is always a killer
=)
happy friday!

My name is Chris and I’ve been looking at some of your blogs/video posts on YouTube.com. I’m just curious what is your education history? You have said that you work Pro Bono in San Francisco Bay. What makes you qualified to give out advice, such as the YouTube videos, on sex, relationships, dating, break-ups, etcetera? I think everybody, including myself, has some right to know, correct?

Hey V, yeah thanks for all that advice about self-confidence. It makes a lot of sense. I’m a quiet person myself anyway and don’t really ever branch out to others unless I’m trying to help them with a problem. I tend to put others ahead of myself a lot. I think maybe to the point that I devalue myself as a person for the slightest mistake. Have you ever had moments like that early on where you were depressed and then said, “Hold up! I’m not taking this anymore. I know I messed up, but that’s gonna happen anyway. I gotta make the most of my time and energy while I exist on this planet!” Was there a moment where you said that to yourself maybe in high school or middle school that motivated you to set up the site and stuff? Just wondering cuz what you are doing is a very loving and giving thing I will definitely say that. I really appreciate that because you saying, I’m gonna reach out to others who felt depressed and tell them what has helped me overcome my flaws and feel better about myself and tell myself I am beautiful. Well you keep up the effort, Vanae! Peace girl. <3 Muah!

Love & Compassion,
Jonathan “Jono” Forbes Akerele

I’m a lot like you in that I care about others and am self-sacrificing, but the difference is you are much more self-confident than me. Still building confidence takes effort and a change in one’s thinking. Then it becomes manifest in their daily behavioral actions toward themselves and others. I read in my psychology book you gotta love yourself before you can give it to others. You can’t give someone else what you don’t have.

Some fun quirks about me:
I’m a thinker. It’s one of my main personality traits and strengths. I analyze and think about everything in my life. And, oddly, this both caused my over thinking problem and solved it. Because not only do I think about my life and what I do, but I think about my thoughts as well. So for someone that’s a thinker/analyzer, they should eventually end up in the cycle that I find myself in. I start over thinking, notice my thought patterns, and change them. This happens often, but when you know how to deal with it, it’s not too bad.

Now, I made a decision last year to stay single until new years this year. I made this decision after realizing that I needed to straighten myself out so that I don’t screw up another girl’s life. In the past year, I’ve found myself attracted to a number of girls but didn’t do anything with it because of my vow. Then I met a girl and we became fast friends. And the more we hung out, the more it developed (as I’m sure we all realize would happen.) Then one night I was sitting in my room thinking about how I didn’t know if I was breaking my vow or not. That told me I needed to back WAY off. So I told her this and she got all broken up about it.

So, after we agreed to just cut ties completely, I started wondering if I did the right thing. Could I have done it a different way to not hurt her so badly? Should I have just stayed in it and rode it out? And a whole bunch of other shoulda, coulda, wouldas. Then, when I realized I was going in circles, I went back to the very beginning. My vow. I made a vow to myself, my accountability group, and God. I had to keep it. So that’s one of my stories. I haven’t had to deal with that issue in my head since.

Kinda long, but I’m hoping it can help someone out.

Hey V,

Thanks for such an insightful and practical post. This is the very topic I was discussing with my best friend yesterday about my gf. I was totally overthinking about how me and her can possibly break up b/c of a conversation about marriage. I really didn’t know what to say when my girl asked me about my viewpoint about marriage, I just froze. I am not very experienced with dating and in many ways I am still naive even though I’m 25. I asked my best friend for some tips on how to overcome these overthinking thoughts and he told me that I am trippin’. He told me just let it be and speak my mind and not to think so much. I am currently doing that and it’s working, my gf feels so much more comfortable talking to me about anything now….

Thank you!

btw you’re hot! lol

Bingo! These are the answers that I’ve been looking for! I have been doing the total opposite! I didn’t have the confidence to be independent. I became a burden to her because I tied myself around her neck, suffocating her every second of the day. Now we’re undergoing reconstruction, having a fresh start. This should help me and her get through. Why didn’t I think of all these? LOL Thank you very much for sharing your insight!

It cost me a lot but today i´m free to move on

Thanks

P.S. After see your site i guess isn´t easy to know you and move on.

My Friend convinced me to buy a book “The Power of Now” but i never read it (I passed it on to someone else ha!). This book provided him with great advice in how t ostop negative thoughts and almost stop thinking all together. He assures me it is hard but he has enevr been in a better place then when he was successful. Personally, i live entirely in my head which means m good moods are great but my bad moods are terrible.

Myself, I’d agree with 2 and 3. There are some possible problems with the others. A suggestion I might add is that there is a timeline for certain overthinking events. And the last one would be fine after a breakup. I think the first one works too after a breakup, but I think there are reasonable compromises one must make when in a long term relationship. A short term relationship might allow for one to think only upon ones own inclinations, but in a union it could be dangerous. I think the independence movement has been one that created problems for the concept of marriage, and marriage being important for stability and productivity in a society.. I think compromising co-dependence might be a better view? What’s your take?

“You are to worried by what what’s and what ifs.
there is a saying:
Yesterday is history, tommorrow’s a mystery, but today is a gift… that is why it’s called the present.”
(Master Ugay, Kung fu Panda)

“Never take things to seriously and you will always be at ease.” (Iron Monkey)

Hi Vanae! like what you done with the blog!
keep up your trainning for the Leukemia run

Haa glad i saw this, I was just talking about this my friend over dinner. This’ll help. Gracias!
Live it, Do it, Believe in it.

omg… ur like a goddess to mee lol
ty so much!