does the idea of speaking to a person really you’re attracted to, freak you out?
or are you the student who sits at the back of the class and rarely speaks up?
we all know that shyness can be a barrier to meeting that special someone, advancing in your career…generally, dampering (vanae-ism word) in your effective communication.
simply put, there’s two types of people:
1) those who have overcome shyness
2) those who have not
all barriers have a root and these barriers are what’s preventing you from where you want to be. to kick shyness to the curb, you must start by tackling the root of why you’re shy. this way, you are aware and work from the inside to outwards. let’s shift your thinking and behavior of shyness with these tips:
1. dig deep! understand why and when you became shy
what is your fear of speaking up?
- is it a fear of being judged? punished? rejected?
was it a specific event in your past? was it your childhood?
replay that moment or feeling. understand what emotion made you revert inwards.
2. address that root, that fear
tell yourself that moment does not exist anymore, you’re living in the present and you have the power/control of NOW and how you present yourself. today, you are making the consciously decision to be VISIBLE and HERE!
3. negative thoughts can hold us back
no one is better than you! you can’t stop negative thoughts from coming into your head, but you can let release them or transform those thoughts into positive. often times, other person is feeling the same exact way, so talk to people as if you were talking to one of your friends. it’s an even playing field.
4. join an interest group (www.meetup.com)
find a meet-up group that surrounds your interest and commit to going to an event this week! this is the perfect opportunity to practice meeting and talking to people, starting with a shared topic you care about. hey, if it’s motorcycles or cupcakes that you’re into, why not connect with someone who does to.
5. smile often!
you’ll notice that i smile a whole lot! when you smile, you create good energy and share it with people around you. not only does it makes you feel good, but it alludes confidence. you’ll come off as friendly and approachable, so smile and make it OPEN INVITATION TIME!
6. know your best qualities and present those
put your best foot forward when getting know someone you’re interested in. is your strong point- humor? then use humor as an icebreaker. are you good at making people feel comfortable? then talk to them as a friend. are you good at smiling? then smile a whole lot.
7. initiate
this may be the toughest part when getting out of your shell, but practice approaching people with small talk. people won’t know how wonderful you are unless they have the chance to talk to yah!
8. give genuine compliments and ask questions
don’t you love it when people compliment you? we all love compliments! flattery puts down people’s guards and opens the gate for you to make a connection. people like talking about themselves and love the feeling that people care about him/her. so ask questions to show that you’re sincere in getting to know him/her.
were these tips helpful? what else has helped you overcome shyness?
Gee, I couldn’t stop grinning from ear to ear after reading your post because I’m one dude who doesn’t even remember the last time I was shy! I think its my curiosity that takes over every other feeling that might possibly go through my mind when I’m about to do something. I’m very experimental I guess. E.g. if I see a chick at a club, I’d be interested to know how she would react to my “ice-breakers” (in quotations because my icebreakers don’t always seem to work … its work in progress, I’m getting there
). If she responds favorably, then I know that the “ice-breaker” worked. If not, I better think of something else really quick to say to save the conversation. But the possibility of bombing doesn’t make me shy but rather it reminds me to be cautious.
Some good suggestions. The biggest thing I realized was that most of the people who I was shy of had a self-image problem themselves…they didn’t even think highly of themselves. When asked what they wanted in life, many of them did not know what to say. They had no goals, and therefore, they weren’t really going anywhere they were sure of. Having goals makes you feel a lot more sure of yourself, and therefore, you know more about how to live than most people out there, and the other goal-oriented people respect you for that.
So, my suggestion: have goals, personal growth-wise especially, and stick to them. Pick up some books on people skills, attitude, leadership, sales (there are sales in every communication cycle). I like reading Zig Ziglar, Dale Carnegie, and John Maxwell. Personal growth is something I dedicate about 1 hr to everyday, but 15 min a day for 3 months is a great start.
You’re awesome. I just have to say that. Everything you’re sharing is positive and helpful to the world. There might be a few deeper issues we wouldn’t agree on if we sat and had some deep discussions, but everything I’m seeing so far is awesome. YAY!
hi sam, thanks for the sweet comment! i LOVE what i do!
Hi Vanae –
Accidentally came across some of your YouTube videos while surfing the web tonight. Great advice with a genuine concern for your friends and fans. All the while enjoying your fabulous smile, gorgeous eyes, and other features too numerous to mention. Put it all together and it makes for one fantastic web site. Now it time to learn more about the charity event, and see if there’s another “win a date” opportunity. I didn’t really need that 401(k) account anyway. Thanks for what you’re doing in reaching out to others and sharing important advice. The video on “health” will save some lives for those who do get tested. It doesn’t get more important than that. And you message was delivered with great love and concern.
–Bruce
hey bruce, thanks for the sweet message. people is my passion and i hope i positively affect as many lives during my time here!
where are you from?
=)
vanae
Hello again, Vanae,
Well, originally from Detroit. Then moved to Los Angeles with my family when I was in junior high. Attended college and graduate school in Berkeley, and lived in the Bay Area for 7 years. Moved back to LA and taught high school for a number of years, and then changed careers to manage the retirement trust fund for the So. Cal. Kaiser Permanente physicians. Preceded by several years in the banking and financial planning business with Washington Mutual. That’s my career in a nutshell. How about you?
Based on the diversity and content of your website, I could almost see that being a full time career for you in the service of others. But since I suspect you have endless energy, creativity and imagination — I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that you also have another full time career to generate the income needed to make the first dream come true. Maybe we’ll have an opportunity to meet and visit in person one day soon. I have my bid in for the “date for charity” auction which ends tomorrow. I’m new to eBay, but I think I’m the current high bidder. Haven’t been to the Bay Area in awhile, so that would be a nice get away. If I win, we have to get some ice cream at the Ghirardelli location near Fisherman’s Wharf. What do you think?? That’s one of my old hang-outs. Less than a day to go to find out. Wish me luck… BRUCE
Congrats bruce!! Hope you guys have fun.
I don’t usually read your blog but I have a bone to pick with you on this topic. I’ve been shy ever since I can remember (much like my father and grandfather before him). No traumatic event, punishment, judgement, or rejection ever ocurred in my life that caused shyness. I grew up in a very loving home with two wonderful parents and a sister that I adored. I know this may come as a surprise to the more outgoing members of the population but some people are just born shy and that’s the way they are. We don’t live some life where we are completely unhappy and wallowing in self-pity all day long wondering when, oh when, will we break free from the shackles of shyness. I think the idea that shyness is something that needs to be “kicked to the curb” is an inherently self-righteous one. I’d argue that shyness should be kicked to the curb just as much as the overly verbose should be kicked to the curb. Personally I think the third option would suit all of us better: celebrate the differences of all people. As a dear friend likes to say “people are different, get over it!”
Here is some food for thought: http://www.genomenewsnetwork.org/articles/04_00/shyness.shtml
I really like this post. I would consider myself a shy individual, especially in circumstance where I do not know a lot of people.
I have no problem talking to girls, but it is totally different when its a girl I really like. I believe it is because I tend to think too much when I’m around a girl I like(more self-conscious, and trying too hard).
Imma print your eight points and put it on my bathroom , so I read it as an advice every morning. :]
There is a range here, and just labeling it all shyness is like saying someone who likes to drink is automatically a alcoholic, even though it is in moderation.
Introvert: Someone who “recharges their batteries” when doing something along. It is possible for someone to be very outgoing socially (a lot of actors are introverts) but still need time alone to collect themselves. Introverts do feel good when interacting with people, but it tiring and there is a limit on how much can be done in a day.
VS Extraverts: who get their energy from interacting with people. So at a party, they feel better, while if they are home alone they get bored and feel bad.
These two tend to be just how you are born, and the amount of cross-exposure doesn’t seem to change things very much. It definitely improves your endurance, but you still can’t go on all day every day.
Shy: Someone who feels timid, and is not very outgoing when meeting new people.
Social Anxiety: Someone who feel anxious around people, especially new people but often can be seen around their own friends to some extent in certain situations. . Demonstrated by fear, apprehension and discomfort in social situations. At some level, everyone feels this but there is also the psychological definition where it occurs nearly continuously in almost any kind of situation. Frequently, that the feeling associated with the “Do I look right? Did I say the right thing? What should I do?” thoughts.
Social Phobia: Where the Social Anxiety is so high, that the individual will go often go out of their way to avoid social situations. Either in certain situations (eating, dancing, young/older/same-age people, opposite-sex interactions, etc) or from society entirely. Although both Social Anxiety and Phobia are rooted in the “fight or flight” response, the phobia tends to be much more intense with patients emotionally feel that their life is in eminent danger (even though they logically know it is not – as opposed to paranoia, where they actually think they are).
To restate – It is possible for someone to be a introvert and not by shy. It is possible for someone to be shy, but not be afraid of social situations. It is normal to feel uncomfortable in /some/ social situations, but if it is regularly consistent then it could be a disorder.
If the fear is so much that it is limiting what you /want/ to do with your life, do not be afraid of going and getting professional help. Write down your feelings beforehand (a journal is especially helpful) if you are not comfortable with talking, and hand that over to the psychologist.
I do have to admit, that overall the only real solution is just to force oneself to increased exposure (going out more). There is medications that can help stabilize things emotionally, but they can’t eliminate them entirely, and you still have to go out there and do it (in a lot of small steps).
It helps to expose yourself to just a /little/ more then you are used to, and maintain that for a duration. For example, saying “good morning” to people you pass in the street, try small talk with the teller at the grocery store and asking simple questions to classmates/co-workers (“where is the bathroom? Did you get the new TPS report?). If you jump off the deep end right into the sharks [Like trying to talk to that super hot girl over there] it could be too intense and you can only manage to keep the conversation going for ~30 seconds before breaking down, which can leave you with a negative experience which can make the fear even stronger. If you are at a pretty good level already, then naturally you will want to raise the bar (or set it lower then this if you need to – think teeny tiny baby steps).
I am not a psychologist, I have just read quite a bit on the topic and from my own personal experience.
meetup.com????????
i’m going to dissneyland! hahaha!
very interesting concept
Thanks vanae. I love what you do keep it up =D and this was so helpful.
OMDzzzz!! the tips is really good and inspiring…
but i still dnt knw watz wrong wiv me…
am a person datz well known and respected in college jst bcos am clever… i confident when it comes to sciences and maths(academics). I also confident when talking wiv ma friends. but am so shit at talking 2 females! expecially a gurl am interested in…
SOS!!! i need help plzzz, i wna break dis tough membrane…
Im the ones that have not overcome shyness but i bet ya that with these tips i will become more confident; i’ll try my best jijiji Great post. i luv it
smile —–> my best quality
I am a bit of an introvert, so I hardly go anywhere. Also I am quite shy for a man of my age, and where I live it is quite important if you know people to be wary of, to have your confidence be sky high… (By the way I do live in the UK, and not the US)!
Wow it really is amaze the help u can find just browsing the web.
Thx alot vanae