We all been been-there-done-this! I know I went through one 4 years ago and came out of it stronger and here to share my experience. Unhealthy relationships are usually with the one we fell flat-on-our-face-for. So intense that you lose yourself! But you need to recognize the damage before becoming handicapped.
Signs that your relationship is unhealthy:
1. Your significant other is the only person you hang out with
2. You flake out on people & responsibilities to spend more time with your gf/bf
3. There’s abuse (mental, verbal, physical, emotional) from either sides
4. You have no support system besides him/her
5. Deep down, you feel like you’ve lost yourself
6. You’re constantly disappointed
7. There’s constant jealousy and no trust
8. He/she restricts you (hanging out with certain people, goals)
Get out of there as soon as possible, or you’ll build up so much resentment that you’ll explode! If you do, it’ll be too late to salvage a friendship.
Gain a healthy relationship through:
A. Balance
She/he can be an important part of your life, but not what your life is all about. You need to balance your time, priorities, wants, needs and self.
B. Communication
Don’t let things bottle up inside. Be sure to communicate effectively to improve your connection. If you there’s something bothering you, then tell her/him that.
C. Understanding
Take the time to listen and understand where she/he is coming from. This will help with patience and it’ll strengthen your bond. She/he will feel like they can open up to you.
D. Independence
A person who can hold their own (opinion, goals, thoughts, social life) shows independence. No one wants a super slingy person.
When did you realize it was an unhealthy relationship? How did you get out of it?
yeah i have some of those point in my relationship right now so i better get to fix this thax
wow!!! that’s sooo true…. I’ve experienced all that before, and now reading back on it, I can kind of see where me and my ex went wrong. We went out for just under a year, but I realised she was the wrong person for me like 6 months in, but for some unknown reason, I held onto the relationship hoping that something would change. Never doing that again, or at least, not for that long anyways.
Funny thing is though, it’s been almost 2 years now since we broke up, and she won’t talk to me (not that i’ve been trying to), and still runs away from me if she happens to see me, so yeah, friendship over!!!!
I guess reading your post is food for thought for when I think of getting a gf again.
Hi there,
I just came out of this kind of relationship.
Actually, I am the first responsible for this situation. I mean, I moved to another country to be with my girlfriend, to live together… I mean, she was the only reason I moved… and thus, I didn’t see the point in meeting new people. First of all I was extremely jealous, second because I naturally fear and don’t trust people. Sartre said once “people are devil” and I totally agree. The more I am alone, the better I feel.
My now ex girlfriend was totally the opposite. In the need to meet a lot of people all the time… so for me it was terrible coz I really cannot trust people. Besides, she was not really helping me when I was in bad times.
Anyway, now everything is over now. But it’s very hard coz on one side I miss her a lot, but on the other side, It will be more destructive to get together again.
Hi Sam,
I can understand your situation as I think our situation have many similarities. I’ve moved to a new country and met this girl here. I thought things were going great initially. I am not an outgoing person but neither is she really. I thought that we have alot of interests in common – music, art, culture, etc. So we started to hang around alot – it’s been 2 yrs now. I’ve professed my love to her and have asked her to be my gf a few times and even asked her to marry me. But she kept saying she just wants to remain friends. Yet she constantly came back to me and treat me more than just a friend – calling in the middle of the night, going out every weekend, etc. So I always thought I had a chance – only if I gave her time. Now recently, I’ve lost my job due to restructuring. Initially, for a few days, she was very supportive. But then she became very impatient and verbally abusive. Finally she said she wants me to leave her alone from now on. What kind of a “friend” would abandon you in your darkest hours? I feel so stupid to have cater to her every whim during these 2 years, only to have her so cruelly reject me at my moment of need. This is a tough lesson but I think I’ll be less trustful/more careful as you said. I should’ve seen it coming all along but never thought she’d be as heartless as this. I sometimes hate myself for being so stupid to pursue her. But being someone who doesn’t give up easily, I thought it was my duty to pursue someone whom I thought was my destiny. It was not a two-way relationship ever and now it’s totally destructive. Now I have to cope with both a job loss and a loss of emotional support (or was it emotional abuse that i was used to?). The job loss is ok as I intend to start my own business anyway so I’ll focus on that. I am sure I will come through stronger but my hope for true love has dimmed a bit.
Regards,
Bruno
I can identify some of those points on mine…
not as easy to got out of it tho ad I am married to her… not that I want to… I do love her with defects or not…
I suppose that fixing things is a LOT more complicated than leaving them behind…
I find all of the points here made very true. I just got out of an 8 month relationship that was very toxic. The guy that I dated had a lot of family problems, which seemed to make him very needy and over dramatic (which I didn’t notice at first). There were little red flags that kept popping up, like a note during our first week of dating talking about how he loved me! It was going way too fast, but I waited it out, because I really did care about him…thinking that he liked me a lot but didn’t know how to communicate it in the ‘right’ way.
We had a lot of great moments, but I had a sinking feeling that I was losing myself. I didn’t have time to do anything that I wanted to do anymore because I spent a lot of time with him. I would try to get my space and he would try to give me patience, but it was obvious he was upset.
The break-up was really hard, because it ended in a way that didn’t give much closure at all. We have a lot in common and were really good friends before we dated, but after all of the fights and resentment, I don’t even know if our friendship is reconcilable. I’m still trying to get to the confident, indepednent “me” that I was before I dated him, but it’s harder that I thought.
So if something doesn’t feel right, sometimes it really is best to just leave
I wish I left sooner so I would still have a friend.
Yes I have been in one. It was horrible. Left all my friends. Very unhealthy. Ever since then I have made a vow to myself never again will I let a guy control or take over my life. I am who I am and that is that. Now I am in a loving relationship with 2 kids. Someone who understands my needs and let me be the person who I really am. Thankfully we learn from our mistakes
She cheated on me. But she fell face flat for me? Hmm? I hate her now.
I wish my dad would take some of this advice. He is in such a manipulative realationship, but he has low confidence so when this woman gives him compliments he feels better about himself. But the thing is she bosses him around, and tells him stuff like my sister is a liar when she isn’t… it has gotten so bad that she told my aunt that she doesn’t want him talking to us all because we are against the way she is. She hit my sister with a table over and over again. I cant respect someone like that.
You and your sister should have a talk with your dad alone. If nothing else works, gang up on that woman a tell her not to F with you two again… OR else..
I experienced all of that and more…which left me really handicapped. It even rolled over unto my friendships and people I meet.
How do you come out of “handicap-mode”?
You know something funny, I just ended a friendship that meant a tremendous amount to me today because of exactly what was written here. I can’t say that the “other” person was my girlfriend but she was a very close friend that I loved very much. Unfortunately life with her was and I am hoping much worse than life without her.
Although she brought so many great things to my life, sometimes the mental anguish is just not healthy. Here is someone I truly love and respect but for whatever reason (probably love) I just cannot function with her in my life. Thankfully she lives, now, on the other side of the country. Even at that distance for the last three months the relationship I had with her caused me so much pain and heartache. Pretty much all of the symptoms written above applied to my relationship. I am now somewhat relieved at breaking this off, hopefully this feeling will stay and I won’t get lured back into contacting her, well not until it is healthy for me to do so.
Thank you again Vanae, you have been a source of knowledge that has helped me through some things I might not have been able to deal with in such a healthy way.
I respect your knowledge and insight.
G
The hardest thing is letting go…I still can’t do it…
i agree, i love ur words.. Godbless!
Informative post! I would change the suggested course of action, though. What I see in the symptoms is a lack of proper boundaries between people. It is possible to heal a relationship with these symptoms, so long as at least one person recognizes them and changes his/her behavior to set appropriate boundaries. The process may be challenging; this is where self respect, self esteem, and respect for the other person become important.
i kno some one who was in an unhealthy relationship
Hello,
Id like some feedback. I have been with my girl for 2 and a half years now, and i am starting to wonder if it is right. well i have been wondering for a long time. Should i be taking action? My gf is a sweet girl, but she is very controling, unsupporting of my goals and is very jealous of not only friends of mine that are girls but guys too ( band mates etc.) she tells me “her friends are my friends”, we always go to her friends parties and gatherings. when id ask for her to even meet my friends it s always a big fat no.i find my self lying to her quite often about the smallest things like what i am doing and who i am with. i guess im afraid she wont aproove. she just went away to scholl a few months ago and we see eachother on weekends. but during the week days she is constantly txting me and asking what i am doing, with who and where. i feel lost but maybe im just crazy…
help?
Hey bro, I went through the same exact thing. Sweet she was, and I had to make changes in my carreer and who I really was for her. But the worst thing you could ever do is to lose your identity, and ultimately not love yourself..
The best thing I ever did was to take a long vacation and actually be really comfortable with myself again. That also means cutting all communications with your girl. A relationship should be where both of you and your g/f, live your own lives and come together to share it whith each other.
almost got all those points, thank god i call it over. im only 16 and tat time she made my hair turn grey for the first time. Just 2 hairs turn grey.
i have all 8 of theese signs..but i don’t wanna let go…
Update? what happened with your relationship?
I like your site and advice, in that you cover all aspects of relationships. Plain and simple as well. This topic showed some points which I am guilty of. Though my ex initiated these points and brought the bad side out of me, it didn’t make it any better and also now I realize…..she was just young and not had developed as a woman yet. What I can say is that getting out of the relationship was the best thing I ever did, because sometimes when you are caught up your carreer and ‘the fog of war’, your in the chaos and can’t see the truth.
I have a cousin. She is 17 almost 18 and pregnant. She’s about 2 months pregnant i believe. Her boyfriend who is around her age is very rude and controlling. They started dating about a year ago and it was fun and games at first but its lead to this. Before she found out the news about her being pregnant she would cry to me about how much he hurt her feelings and how badly she wanted out of the relationship. She always told me how much it bothered her from all the fighting that went on between them. She said it got violent (not physical-or so she says). She also revealed to me that he made her delete all her guy friends numbers on her phone which i thought was a very bad sign. So the list continued and i have gradually become more and more concerned. Every time i talk to her she’s crying . She feels pressured to stay with him… its like …she knows hes not a good guy but shes still with him! I don’t know what to tell her anymore! It’s like the advice i tell her it goes trough one ear and right out the other!
She needs to start thinking about that baby and put him/her first, and the consequences it would bring raising a child seen what he does to her…
Would really like some feedback…
I just got out of an almost 2 year relationship. I have known this guy since grammar school and we ran into each other once i hit high school. We had been talking on and off since i was a freshman and we ended up finally dating the summer i was going into my junior year. the first year of our relationship everything was great. we had our fights and ups and downs but nothing we couldn’t work through. But once the next year began everything started to change, and im sure some of it was my fault because he was in his second year of college and i was still in high school and by that time i was deeply in love with him and very attached and was nervous he would leave me. i never let him really know that though because i didnt want him to think i was insecure. But basically i started to feel like he was very controlling and manipulative. Basically i felt like he was getting mad about the little and big things, making me feel like i was a bad girlfriend all the time. always an apology to be made, and all i wanted to do was be a good girlfriend. He has put me through alot and i have had to let go alot of things from the past, but i did because i wanted our relationship to really work. now we have broken up and i think it is for good but the reason i broke it off was because i felt like i was always walking on eggshells with him, didnt want to make him upset because he could be nasty towards me when he was mad. also, he had gotten mad at me because i ended up changing plans with my girlfriends and all i did was go out for ice cream and told him an hour later once i got to my friends house. he was mad that i wasnt communicating with him and said i should have told him when i got there, but i told him once i got to my friends house and it had only been an hour since we last talked so i really didnt think he would get mad but he did. he said i wasnt being considerate of his feelings and was really mean to me on the phone that night when i got home. once we broke up he then said he was sorry for everything, and that he would change, i just dont know if he really is going to change and because of our past and the bad things that have happened i just dont know if i should give it another shot. i really want to though, i miss him like crazy. but my friends keep telling me to give it time cuz it has only been two days, i just feel like a crazy person, i never thought i would be this dependent on another person.
ps- sorry this was as long as a novel.
I really agree in the 8 signs of an unhealthy relationship. If you don’t have trust, you don’t have much time with your gf/bf, you telling him/her not to go with somebody,you feel that you don’t have support system with each other and you are disappointed with yourself. You just need to balance everything in your relationship.
I have recently come out of a long term relationship which became very unhealthy. It took my family and friends to sit me down and tell me i wasn’t the same person anymore and that i was turning into an emotional wreck,for me to end things with my first love. Deep down i knew things weren’t right but love is blind and i wasn’t willing to let go of something that was so in one way, amazing and another, destructive. it all started going wrong after he split up with me after one and half years and it turned my world upside down as he told me he didn’t love me anymore, however after just three weeks apart we got back together but without discussing the issues. Everything was amazing for a few months but when we both went to university things went bad again. there was no trust, he hardly rang or text me and i went crazy because he was showing the same behaviour he had done when he broke up with me. however when we did see each other he couldn’t keep his hands off me and talked of marriage and how much he loved me. i thought it was just because we were trying to deal with a long distance relationship so i put up with it. however when we moved home in the 2nd year things didn;t change. he hardly text, rang, i felt honoured just to spend a bit of time with him because he only seemed to want to see me on the weekend. throughout our whole relationship he told little pointless lies, nothing too big to be able to fall out about but just enough to make me question him the next time. unknowingly this behaviour was wearing me down. i tried to talk to him about the things tht made me unhappy but it never changed. if i got emotional it was my fault. he couldn’t handle it. in the end i got myself to such a low point that i realised that if he wasn’t going to change then i did. and the only way i could see myself becoming a stronger person was to let him go. my head said yes but my heart said no. its one of the most difficult thing i’ve had to do but i would have only ended up resenting him. its been a few months now and he has admitted his issues and wrong-doings and he wants me back but i don’t trust him emotionally, and i can’t forget the effects his manipulative behaviour had on me. i’m heartbroken.
I’m currently in a 16 year relationship with my g/f (10 of which engaged). I cheated on her some years ago but it was so out of character for me as at that time I was just glad that someone else was taking interest in me. I have no friends, no confidence and I feel like I’m plodding along in the relationship. I can definitely tick 7 out of 8 from the list.
Me and my boyfriend are having some of these problems. I always try and suggest going out together as a couple and meeting new people as a couple, but he always says that he likes to relax on his days off. We have been dating for almost 2 yrs now and we have only been in social situations in which there were large groups of people twice! I fail to believe that relationships should be like that. I don’t know what to do. I have tried bt we always end up fighting…
Very True. One reason why I’m moving.Also for better opportunities. You get a feeling from the beginning or after awhile that it’s not right for you. Go with what you know you should do and not with what you hope will happen or change. Shouldn’t date someone you work with. First and last time. Assess every relationship at the end or ones in the past. Try to take something from that to improve your next relationship go with what you know is the right decision. Doesn’t feel right probably isn’t. Time to get out of there.
i have been in an abusive relationship for 15 yrs. I met my wife 3000 miles away and she came to visit me. eventually she came to live with me and we got married. I always knew she was possesive. She had a problem with every one of my friends. I only had a few. some were girls. she decided after a few years to go back home with our son and i could not change her mind. she was lonley and missed her family. we have lived in poverty since. She has spent a lot money that she earned on herself, i could not afford to buy a cup of coffee. she hid receipts, looked for money to pay bills when she spent it on herself. has bank accounts that i do not have access to. is having an affair with the local DJ. she continues to tell me that she loves me and wants me back. I have moved out 5 months ago. I am absolutely devastated, as I spent most of my time with my two kids. for the last five years she was the one out socialising and i ended up at home . the last 3 years she constantly picked fights with me and the kids. I absolutely hate the way she treated the kids. I have no respect for her…she kept tell mke i was paranoid. I did become that and had to leave. I do not trust her now and want nothing to do with her. I still love her but also hate her more. I have never hated anyone in my life. I hope that she gets all she wants as it will never be enough. I cannot be there for the kids, as i would end up losing myself. I stayed because of the youngest child for more than 4 years, i thought she was just suffering from depression. It turns out she was just a self centered bitch.
jack
Don’t do it! Best words of advice I can give u. I’ve been in a relationship for 3 and a half years now and my story is similiar 2 urs. In the beginning it was great althougj we had ups and downs but after that 1st yr things went downhill quickly(more fighting,more controlling tendencies, etc.) I broke up with my bf more times than I can think of and each time he apologized and said he will work on his manipulative, trust issues but in the end when I went back it got worst after a couple weeks and in turn he was worst and blamed me for his actions. LEAVE AND DON’T LOOK BACK! U deserve to live a haapy life, value urself because ur worth it!
My comment above was in response to “confused” who wrote on. 6-8-2010…hope it helps!
These are relatively accurate signs for a short-term relationship. For the long haul, we first imagine what it would be like if a relationship sustains marriage. Then your signs become more of healthy than unhealthy. In a spectrum with sorority girls and anime/manga-reading nerds at its extremes, you would fall somewhere towards the former. But perhaps it’s not all that bad to yield to our hormones and intrinsic machinery.
I realized my relationship was unhealthy when I realized that I didn’t know who I was anymore and that it wasn’t right to be crying almost every day. 1 year of that but it’s finally over
That is AMAZING! My paarents are in an unhealthy relationship and i cant seem to do anything about it….
you made the right decision… being in a relationship is suppose to make you happy
maybe i am included for those who have unhealthy relationship
I was in a relationship for a year. He got so mad everytime I had something planned with my family or friends, even if I had been with him everyday almost. He let his mom call me a whore and everything for no reason…He would make me feel like crap if I talked to any other guys, just friends. Yet he was obsessed with a girl he met over the internet. He got mad one time and shoved me and grabbed my arms and I had bruises on my arms for a few days. He did a bunch of other things but I got diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. My doctor said it was due to overactive nerves, stress, and/or emotional abuse. I’ve missed 35 days of school this year due to my body hurting and being exhausted and staying home. He broke up with me because he said “noone will ever care enough or have the tolerance to be with someone as sick as you”. I also have a heart condition and I broke down…I didn’t go to school for a week and a half. My nerves were so messed up and I was throwing up and couldn’t eat without feeling sick and hurting…He still spreads rumors about me, him and his new girlfriend get a wierd pleasure out of making me look bad. Girls…if you are in a relationship like this, GET OUT, date your best guy friend, idc, just don’t stay with this jerk.
He’s an asshole. Hopefully his new gf does what he did to you
i am in a relationship for over a year now, and my family thinks that he is not a good influence to me, they are blaming him for the way i behave lately. because of this, my bf is now keeping distance from me, i have no idea on what is on his mind but all i know is that this is so unhealthy for the both of us. the lack of communication, lack of time for each other lack of contact… what should i do?
Cris, why do your parents feel that way?
Hey cris
Does he know that your family doesnt approve of him? I would talk to him in person if at all possible if not then calling would b the next best thing. The most important thing is do u think you changed?
Hi! So I dont know if im in an unhealthy relationship….Bt i think i love this boy. The problem is i stopped talking to most of my friends because he has become my live. Im going to college and im going to miss him so much! bt last night i told him that i had a dream that he broke up with me and that i woke up crying. When i told him this he was like well what if that happend? Im scared what if he breaks up with me now? If your boyfriend said that wud u wrry or am i reading too much into this?
Hi. I’m really confused right now and i need help, I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years and a half and we have been planning on moving in together, I love him very much and i know he does too but we fight too much he doesn’t trust me at all and in my opinion he’s just very dramatic and intense he’s always telling me how i don’t show him that i love him and that i care which i don’t most of the time because we are always fighting, i have to admit i have a attitude problem but I’ve been trying to work on it. Right now we are on a “break”. Sometimes i think i would be so much happier without him and him without me but then i think that i need him in my life, lately i’ve been thinking about going to a counselor, what should i do?
Laura,
If both of you fight constantly something is definitely wrong. Take the time of y’alls “break” and seriously think about what you want from A relationship. Not necessarily what you want from THIS relationship. If the standards or expectations that are most important to you are not being met fully, you need to consider if you think it’s better for you to stay in it. Counseling can definitely help, to have a third party point of view. Just make sure that you truly listen to what the counselor has to say about everything. That’s just my opinion though.
7 out of the 8 is what I am going through right now , I am with my daughters father and we have been together for about 3 years and he is such a selfish person , we literally only have sex like every 2 weeks and I know that’s not healthy but it’s him that is doing it . I am trying to make it work because I want to raise our family together but I am getting so fed up . I don’t want to cheat in order for me to be satisfied and I am only 27 so why should I even put up with that? Don’t get me wrong I love him but am I more used to him them anything else . It’s so hard every time I think of leaving him something holds me back and that’s because I hate being lonely. Some one give me advise on what I should do please.